She tried to talk to Simon about it sometimes. Suddenly she had so many fears, about herself, her life, her body. It had just been in the past year or two, and she knew her looks had changed, no matter how many people told her they hadn't. She was getting older and it was painful sometimes realizing that she seemed to have altered more than Simon. It seemed amazing to her that it had all gone so fast, and she had reached fifty-four so quickly. And soon she would be fifty-five ‘ and then sixty. ‘ It made her want to shout Oh, my God, and Stop the clock ‘ wait ‘ I need more time. It seemed odd to her that Simon didn't understand that. Maybe because men had more time, their hormones didn't suddenly start changing at fifty, their looks altered more subtly, and they always had the option of a wife half their age, and half a dozen more children. Even if they didn't want them, which Simon always said when Blaire reminded him that he could still have children and she couldn't, even if he had no interest in them at all, he had the option, and that made things different between them. But when she tried to say all those things to him, he just told her she was overworked and she was being silly. For God's sake, Blaire, the last thing I want is more children. I love the ones we have, but if Sam doesn't grow up soon and get her own apartment one of these days to break the sound barrier in, I may go crazy. He said that, but Blaire knew he didn't want her to move out either. She was their baby. She wondered, though, why it was all so much easier for him, why he got less upset about things, why he didn't worry as much about Scott's grades, or the fact that Allegra was still with Brandon, after two years, and he was still married to another woman.
But none of that came up at the dinner table. They talked about other things. Simon and Scott talked about basketball, and Stanford, and a possible trip to China. And then they all talked about the Golden Globes, and Scott teased Sam about the last boy he'd seen her go out with. He said the kid was a real nerd, and Samantha defended him hotly, although she insisted she really didn't like him. And Blaire announced that their ratings had just gone up again, after a brief dip the month before, and she was planning to redo the garden and the kitchen next summer.
Is that supposed to be news? Simon teased, as a warm look passed between them. When haven't you been ripping something out and putting something else in? And anyway, I like the garden the way it is. Why change it?
I found a fabulous English gardener, and he says he can change everything in two months. The kitchen is another story, she grinned. I hope you all like Jack in the Box, we'll be eating all our meals there from May till September. There was a communal groan, and Simon looked at his only son with a meaningful expression.
I think that's just about the right length of time for our trip to China.
You're not going anywhere. She looked at him pointedly. We're shooting all summer this year, and I'm not going to be left alone again. Every year the two men took a trip together, usually to someplace where Blaire couldn't reach them if she tried, like Samoa, or Botswana. You can go to Acapulco for the weekend. Scott laughed at them, and the teasing and the arguments and the exchanges went on until after nine o'clock, when Allegra finally stood up and said she had to get home. She still had some work to do that evening.
You work too hard, her mother chided her, and Allegra smiled in answer.
And you don't? Her mother worked harder than anyone she knew. And Allegra respected her a great deal for it. I'll see you tomorrow night, at the awards, she said, as they all left the table.
Do you want to come with us? her mother asked, and she shook her head.
Alan's always late, and he's got ten million friends wherever we go. He'll probably want to go somewhere afterward. We'd better meet you there, or we'll drive you crazy.
You're going with Alan and not Brandon? Samantha asked her with a look of amazement, and her older sister nodded.
How come?
He had to go to San Francisco to see his kids, Allegra said matter-of-factly. She felt as though she had already explained it four thousand times, and she was getting tired of it.
Are you sure he's not sleeping with his ex-wife? Sam asked her bluntly, and for a minute she knocked the wind out of Allegra. Allegra was quick to respond once she caught her breath again, and she was furious at her younger sister for the question.
That's a really bitchy thing to say, and totally unnecessary. You ought to watch your mouth, Sam, Allegra said hotly.
Well, don't wet your pants over it, Sam said, looking all cat as the two sisters hissed at each other. Maybe I'm right, maybe that's why you got so pissed off when I said it.
Knock it off, Scott said to Sam, seeing how upset Allegra was. His sex life is none of our business.
Thanks, Allegra whispered to him later, as she kissed him good night, but she wondered herself why Sam's comment had upset her so much. Was that really what she thought? Was that what she was afraid of? Of course not. Joanie was dependent and whiny and overweight, and Brandon even said to her all the time how unattractive his ex-wife had gotten. That wasn't the point. It was just that it hurt so much to have to defend him. It was obvious that her whole family thought he should be there, and so did she. And secretly, she was furious that he wasn't.
She thought about it again all the way home that night, and by the time she got home she was angry at him all over again. She sat and stewed about it for a while, pretending to pore over her work, and then finally she decided to call him. She knew the number of the hotel where he stayed by heart, and she dialed it with trembling fingers. Maybe she could convince him to come back after all, but then she'd have to explain to Alan that he couldn't take her, and that could have been awkward, even though they were good enough friends that she could say anything to him, and if he was mad about it, he'd tell her.
They rang Brandon's room for her, and she waited interminably. It was after ten o'clock, but he didn't answer. She asked them to try again, just in case they'd gotten the wrong room, but he was clearly not in. He was probably still at the house, talking to Joanie about the divorce. After the girls went to bed, Brandon said, they argued for hours sometimes. But as she thought of it, Sam's words about his sleeping with Joanie popped into her head. And Allegra was furious all over again, at him for being there, and at her sister for having said it. She didn't need to spend her life worrying about him or feeling insecure because of something a teenager said. She had enough going on in her life without this bullshit. And almost as soon as she hung up, the telephone rang, and she smiled to herself. She was hysterical about nothing. It was probably Brandon, and he'd just gotten back to the hotel. But it wasn't. It was Carmen, and she was crying.
What's up?
I just got a death threat. She was sobbing, and she said she wanted to move back to Oregon. But hers wasn't a career that would easily disappear. She had movie contracts now, and the entire world wanted a piece of Carmen Connors.
Allegra frowned as she listened. How did you get it? Try to calm down and tell me.
It came in the mail. I forgot to open my mail today, and I just got home from dinner, so I opened it, and there it was. It says she dissolved in floods of tears again it says that I'm a bitch and I don't deserve to live another hour. This guy says he knows I'm cheating on him and I'm a whore, and he's going to get me.