I've got to go to work. See you Saturday. And do me a favor, try to stay sober, will ya?
Don't be such a nag. No wonder you can't get a date. They teased each other. He drank a fair amount, but he rarely got drunk, and never misbehaved. The two just liked to play. But she felt human again as she drove to work. Alan had really lifted her spirits.
All day she felt better about things than she had early that morning. She met with some of the promoters for Bram's tour, worked out some security details for Carmen, met with another client about her children's trusts, and by the end of the afternoon she was surprised to realize that she had forgotten all about Brandon. It still bothered her that he wasn't going to the Golden Globes with her, but at least she didn't feel as devastated about it as she had that morning. And as she thought about it, she realized now, she'd been foolish. He had a right to see his kids. And maybe he was right. Maybe they both had to think of their careers, do what they had to do and then get together for whatever time was left over. It wasn't a very romantic way to live, but maybe for the moment it was all they had room for. Maybe that wasn't so bad after all, and maybe, as he suggested from time to time, she was just too demanding.
Is that what you think? Dr. Green asked her that afternoon when they met for their weekly appointment.
I don't know what I think, Allegra admitted. I know what I think I want, but then when I talk to Brandon, I feel as though I'm being unreasonable and I'm asking too much of him. I'm not sure which is right, or if I just scare him.
That's an interesting possibility, Dr. Green said coolly. Why do you think you scare him?
Because he's not ready for as much as I want from a relationship, or as much as I want to give it.
You think you're ready for more? Why? Dr. Green asked her with interest.
I think I'd really like to live with him, and I think he's scared to death to.
What makes you say that? Dr. Green was beginning to think Allegra was making headway.
I think he's scared, because he wants to go home to his own apartment at night. He really doesn't want to spend the night at my place if he can help it.
Does he want you to go with him? Is it territorial?
No. Allegra shook her head slowly. He says he needs his own space. Once he told me that when we wake up together in the morning, it makes him feel married. And that wasn't a good experience for him, so he doesn't want it again.
He has to work that out, or else be alone for the rest of his life. It's his choice to make. But his choices will affect your life with him, Allegra.
I know that. But I don't want to rush him.
Two years is not a rush, Dr. Green said, looking disapproving. It's time for him to make some changes. Unless you're happy with the status quo, she said, always giving Allegra options. If this is what you want, then we have no complaints, do we? Is it?
I don't know; I don't think so, Allegra said, looking nervous. I'd like more. I don't like it when he withdraws to his own world. Or even when he goes to San Francisco without me. And then she admitted something that made her feel stupid. I worry about his ex-wife sometimes, that she'll get him back. She's still very dependent on him. I think that's all part of what makes him shy away from commitment.
Well, he'd better get his act together one of these days, don't you think so, Allegra?
I guess so, she said cautiously. But I don't think it would be right to give him ultimatums.
Why not? Dr. Green asked bravely.
He wouldn't like it.
And? She pushed harder, just as she wanted Allegra to push Brandon.
He might end the relationship if I push him too hard.
And what would that do? Dr. Green asked her.
I don't know, Allegra said, looking frightened. She was a strong woman, and yet she never was strong enough with Brandon, just as she hadn't been with the two men before him. She was afraid to be, which was why she still saw Dr. Green after nearly four years now.
If the relationship ended, it might free you up to meet someone who would be more willing to make a commitment. Would that be so terrible?
Probably not. Allegra smiled anxiously. But pretty scary.
Sure. But you'd get over it. Sitting here waiting forever for Brandon to unlock the pearly gates may do you a lot more harm than a little fear over meeting someone more open to loving you, Allegra. It's something to think about, isn't it? she asked, boring into Allegra's eyes with her own, and then, with her usual warm smile, the session was over.
In some ways, it was like going to a Gypsy fortune-teller. As she left, Allegra tried to run through in her mind everything she'd said, and there were always things she remembered, and others that she tried desperately to recall but had forgotten. But on the whole, the sessions did her good, and they had done a lot of work together over the years about her penchant for finding men who were unable, or unwilling, to love her. It was an old, old pattern in her life, and one she didn't like to think about, or even talk about. She hoped that, after all this time, she was improving.
She went back to her office after that, tied up some loose ends, and her last meeting of the day was with Malachi O'Donovan, a new client. He was a friend of Bram Morrison's, her vastly successful rock star client, and this one was less so, but also very important. He was from Liverpool originally, but had long since become a citizen by marrying an American woman. His wife's name was Rainbow, and they had two children, named Swallow and Bird. Allegra was used to it. Very little that was done or said in the rock world surprised her.
O'Donovan had a checkered history of arrests and drugs, a couple of assaults, and some messy lawsuits. He had spent a little time in jail over the years, and a lot of time with lawyers, and he seemed very intrigued with Allegra. He responded to her sexually at first, but when she ignored it, and purposefully stuck to business with him, eventually he settled down, and they had a very interesting conversation. And she thought she could help him with some of his legal problems, most of which were stemming from a world tour he was trying to organize, but he was drowning in red tape and legal issues.
We'll see what we can do, Mai. I'll be in touch, after I get some of your files from your current attorney.
Don't bother with my last lawyer, he told her with a shrug as he left. He's an asshole, he said in a rich brogue.
We need his records anyway. She smiled at him warmly. I'll call you as soon as I know something.
He liked her very much. Morrison hadn't steered him wrong. She was smart, and got straight to the point with no bullshit. He liked that. You call me anytime you like, luv, he said softly as Rainbow went ahead to the elevator, and Allegra pretended not to hear him, and went back to close up her office.
In the end, she went home late herself that night. She read some files, and checked over some more of Bram's contracts. And Carmen had just had a very interesting offer to do a film that could be very important for her. It was challenging work, and Allegra loved it.
She was in good spirits when she got home, and it was only then that she realized she hadn't heard from Brandon all day, and she wondered if he had been irritated with her pressing him about the Golden Globe Awards that morning.
She called him at the office around nine o'clock, and he sounded pleased to hear from her. He told her he'd been working nonstop for the past thirteen hours, and he'd been just about to call her.
Did you eat? she asked solicitously, sorry that she'd gotten angry at him. And then she remembered what Dr. Green had said to her. She had a right to expect more than he was willing, or perhaps even able, to give her.