They bring us sandwiches every few hours. Half the time, we forget to eat them.
You should go home and get some sleep at a decent hour, she reminded him, wishing he would come to her house. But this time she didn't ask him, and he didn't suggest it. And then he felt the pull to go back to work and his colleagues.
I'll call you tomorrow before I leave for San Francisco.
I'll be at my parents'. I'm going to go straight from the office.
Maybe I won't call then, he said simply, and she wanted to scream. Why did he shy away from everything she cared about, especially her family? It was all about his phobia about commitment. I'll call you after I get there. I'll call you at your house.
Whatever you like, she said calmly, glad that she had had the opportunity to review it with Jane Green. It always made it seem so much simpler and clearer, and less dramatic. It was so simple really. He wasn't able to reach out to her and love her openly and freely. But would he ever? She wanted to marry him, if he could ever get himself divorced and relaxed enough to let himself really love her. She thought he did, in his own way, but it was also obvious that he was severely hampered by his memories of what had happened to him with Joanie.
Did you work things out for the Golden Globes? he asked her suddenly, and she was surprised he'd brought it up at all, it was such a sore subject.
Yes, it's fine, she said, dismissing it, not wanting to admit to him that she was still upset about it. I'm going with Alan.
Carr? He sounded shocked. He had expected her to go alone, with her parents.
I thought you'd just go with your brother and your parents, or something like that.
She smiled at his na+»vet+¬. The Golden Globe Awards was one of the most sophisticated events of the year, it was not the kind of place she would have wanted to go with her twenty-year-old brother. I'm a little old for that, you know. Alan's fine about it though. He'll make me laugh all night and say rude things about all the big stars, but they all know him and love him.
I didn't expect you to fill my shoes quite so handsomely, he said, sounding both peeved and jealous, and she laughed. Maybe it was good for him.
I'd rather be with you than Alan any day, she said honestly.
Just remember that, he smiled. That's one hell of a compliment, Allie. I've never thought of myself in the same league with Alan Carr.
Well, don't let it go to your head, she teased, and they talked for a few minutes and then hung up, but he never suggested spending the night with her, and she felt depressed again as she lay in bed and thought about it. She was twenty-nine years old, with a boyfriend who preferred sleeping alone in his own bed to being with her, at least some of the time, if not most, and who had ditched her for an event that was important to her, in order to be with his ex-wife and two daughters. No matter how you turned it around, or dressed it up, it still hurt her feelings. And it left her feeling lonely. He was oddly withdrawn in his own way, and no matter what her needs, he always did what he wanted.
You deserve better than that. She heard Dr. Green's voice ringing in her ears that night as she fell asleep, and she couldn't remember if she'd actually said those words or if that was the gist of what she'd intended. But as she drifted off to sleep, Allegra could see the therapist's intense brown eyes staring at her, and reinforcing the message. I deserve better than that, she whispered to herself ‘ better than that ‘ but what did that mean? And then, suddenly, all she could see was Alan ‘ laughing ‘ but was he laughing at her? Or at Brandon?
Chapter 3
The Steinberg home in Bel Air was one of the prettiest in the area, and it was large and comfortable, but it was by no means palatial. Blaire had decorated it herself years before when they moved in just after Scott was born, and she was good about recovering things and redoing rooms to keep them fresh and neat and current. The children teased her about their home being a constant work in progress.
But she liked keeping it looking new, and she used a lot of bright, cheerful colors. The feeling throughout was one of casual elegance and warmth. It was a place people loved to visit. The view from the patio and the living room was spectacular. And for months now, she'd been talking about replacing the kitchen walls with glass. But she'd been so busy with the show that she hadn't had time to do it.
Allegra went to the house straight from work, and as always when she arrived, she felt surrounded by the warmth and generosity of her family and the house she'd grown up in. Her room was still as it had been when she left for college eleven years before. The wallpaper and the curtains and bedspread had been redone once while she was in law school. It was a soft peach watered silk, and once in a while she still spent a night there, or a weekend. Coming home and being with them was always fun and relaxing. Her room was on the same floor as her parents' suite, which consisted of their bedroom, two handsome dressing rooms, and two offices they each used when they had to work at home, which was often. There were two guest rooms on that floor too. And upstairs, Sam and Scott had their own suite of rooms, and a large sitting room between them. They shared a huge TV, a small movie screen, a pool table, and a fantastic sound system their father had given them for Christmas. It was every teenager's dream just being there, and there were always at least half a dozen of Sam's friends hanging around, talking about school, and plans for college, and their boyfriends.
Sam was in the kitchen when Allegra came in, and it was hard not to notice how beautiful she had become in the past year. Suddenly, at seventeen and a half, she had grown into looks that had been striking before, but were now even more so. She had star quality, her father's associates said, and her mother always growled when they said it. Sam's first priority had always been school. Blaire didn't mind her having a small modeling career, but she wasn't very enthused at the idea of her youngest child becoming an actress. It was a rough career, and seeing what she did all around her every day, she was beginning to think she'd prefer it if Samantha stayed out of the business. But there wasn't much they could say to her. She had been exposed to it all her life, and for the moment, an acting career seemed to be all that Sam wanted. She had applied to UCLA, Northwestern, Yale, and NYU for what they had to offer in drama, and given her top grades, she had a good shot at all of them. But unlike Allegra a decade before, she didn't want to go East. She wanted to stay in L.A, and maybe even live at home. She wanted to go to UCLA, and she had already been accepted, through early admission.
She was eating an apple, when Allegra walked in on Friday night after the office, and her long blond hair hung down her back like a sheet of pale yellow-gold. Her eyes were huge and green like her sister's.
Hi, kiddo. How's life? Allegra looked happy to see her as she walked over, gave her a kiss, and put an arm around her shoulders.
Not bad. I did some modeling this week. For an English photographer. He was cool. I like the foreign ones, they're nice to me. I modeled for a French one in November. He was on his way to Tokyo. This job was a layout for the L.A. Times. And I saw the rough cut of Dad's new movie. Like all teenagers, she spoke in non sequiturs, but Allegra understood her.
How was Dad's movie? Allegra asked, helping herself to some carrot sticks, and giving Ellie a warm hug of greeting. She had been their cook for twenty years, and she shooed them both out of the kitchen.
It was okay. It was hard to tell. They still had some of the scenes put in the wrong places. It looked pretty cool though. And so did Sam. Allegra smiled to herself as the younger girl bounded upstairs. She was all legs and arms and hair; she was like a wild, beautiful young colt bounding over everything. She seemed so young, and yet so grown-up suddenly. It was hard to believe how fast it had gone, but she was almost a woman. When Allegra had left home for Yale eleven years before, Sam had only been six years old, and in some ways that was how they all still thought of her, as the baby.