Pain is the worse thing.
‘They want you dead, you know,’ said Nappy in a conspiratorial whisper.
‘I had suspected as much,’ said Alfric.
Another pause.
Then:
‘Yes,’ said Alfric.
‘That’s nice to know,’ said Nappy. ‘I was never sure, you see. I was always too… well, too shy to ask, if you know what I mean. They said I had a reputation, but I never really knew whether to believe them. It’s nice to know, now that… now that it’s all coming to an end.’
‘You’re — you’re not going to kill yourself, are you?’
‘Kill myself?’ said Nappy in wonderment. He thought about it, then laughed: ‘Oh, I see what you mean. No. No, sir. I’m not going to kill myself. Oh no, there’s no need for that. It’ll all end soon enough, without me doing anything about it. Would you like this, sir? As a souvenir, I mean.’
So saying, Nappy offered Alfric his stiletto. Alfric blinked at the weapon. It had been gone from sight ever since they came into the room, but here it was again, back in Nappy’s hand, and Alfric was prepared to swear by a complete list of all his known ancestors that he had not seen Nappy sheath or unsheath the thing. The steel simply came and went. Like magic.
‘Thank you,’ said Alfric, gingerly reaching out and taking the stiletto. ‘It’s very kind of you to give me this.’
‘Oh, you’ve eamt it, you’ve eamt it. It’s my father, see.’
‘This?’ said Alfric, looking at the knife.
The room no longer seemed cosy. Rather, it was hot, hot, overheated by the brazier. Alfric wanted to get out, to escape from Nappy, from Nappy’s cancer, from Nappy’s madness. He wanted to be out in the night, alone, utterly free from all the demands of the rest of humanity.
‘No, young sir, it’s not the knife I’m talking about,’ said Nappy. ‘It’s my dad. You met him, you see. He’s a werehamster.’
‘Ah,’ said Alfric, enlightened.
‘He was most impressed with you, he was. You leaving him the most of his treasure. As for what you took, why, I found out about that. What you wanted it for, I mean. That was very handsome of you.’
‘It was nothing, really,’ said Alfric, mystified as to why he should be getting such praise for such trivial acts of courtesy and (minimal) kindness.
‘It shows you as a generous man,’ said Nappy.
‘But I’m not,’ said Alfric, speaking the truth. ‘I’m narrow, intolerant and selfish to boot.’
‘Oh, that’s how you see yourself, doubtless,’ said Nappy. ‘That’s how you may be, too, set up against some absolute good. But people — people, young sir, I wouldn’t rightly like to speak of them, not the truth of them. It’s ugly, that’s what it is. But you’re not ugly, not ugly-evil at least.’
‘Thank you,’ said Alfric, wishing he could believe this were true.
‘So I’ve given you the knife,’ said Nappy. ‘I’d like you to have this, too.’
With that, Nappy gouged out his right eye. Alfric locked his jaws together, choking off a scream. Nappy reached out. He had the eye in his hand. He wanted Alfric to take it. Carefully, Alfric put down the stiletto. He forced his fingers open. He extended his palm. Nappy pressed the eye into Alfric’s open palm.
‘Thank you,’ said Alfric.
Then closed his fist on the eye, expecting it to sklish and squash, to splatter and spurt.
But the eye was of glass, warm where it had been in contact with Nappy’s flesh, cool where it had been exposed to the night air. Alfric took a good long look at Nappy’s face. The gaping eyesocket was dark, and gave an unexpected touch of malevolence to Nappy’s countenance. But it was bloodless. The injury was years old. ‘Thank you,’ said Alfric. ‘Thank you very much.’
‘I thought… I thought you’d appreciate the gesture,’ said Nappy. ‘Something to remember me by. Now, young sir, I don’t want to impose on you, but I do need-someone to take over when I die.’
‘But of course,’ said Alfric, as if in a dream.
He had no wish to be a killer, but he would be, if that was the only way for him to live.
‘I’ve got a list,’ said Nappy, opening a snuff box and taking out several sheets of onionskin which were almost covered by crabbed handwriting. ‘I wrote this out. I can write. There’s not many who can write, but I wouldn’t be wrong in taking you for one of them.’
‘I’m a Banker Third Class,’ said Alfric. Then, remembering his recent promotion: ‘No, Second Class. Anyway. All bankers can read.’
‘That’s what I thought,’ said Nappy. ‘So here’s the things, all the things, and what to do about them. There’s the asylum committee, that’s for the lunatics. The abortion clinic, not that I approve of it, it’s murder if you ask me, but if we don’t then others will, and better for it to be run on a non-profit basis, that’s what I always say. It’s a crime to make money out of something like that, don’t you think?’
‘Agreed,’ said Alfric weakly.
‘Then there’s the charity school.’
‘School?’ said Alfric. ‘What school?’
‘Oh, it’s a new project, you won’t have heard of it. Funding, that’s the problem. Not much money in Galsh Ebrek, you know. Not money enough for all the things that have to be done. But we have our sources. Begging, that’s what it is when you come right down to it. But the Knights don’t pay taxes, and it’s them that has the money, so how else can we get it?’
Then Nappy led Alfric step by step through the intricacies of all the charity work he was involved in; then he passed his lists to Alfric; then Alfric swore himself to continue Nappy’s good deeds.
‘But,’ said Alfric, ‘what about the killing?’
‘Killing?’ said Nappy in surprise.
‘Yes,’ said Alfric. ‘I mean, someone has to do it.’
‘Oh, don’t worry your head about that, young master. Killing’s no problem. There’s always someone ready to kill. It’s looking after widows and children, that’s where the problem is. No, don’t you worry your head about any killing. They’ll find a killer with no trouble at all. Well, sir, that takes me to the end of it. I’ll show you to the Polta Door.’
‘The Polta Door?’ said Alfric, who had never heard of any such thing.
‘A secret way,’ said Nappy. ‘A secret way in and out of Saxo Pall. My secret, sir, known to me and now to you. Not to anyone else.’
‘I’d rather leave by the main gate.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that,’ said Nappy. ‘They’re waiting for your body. Ursula Major, I mean. Oh, and Ciranoush Norn. They’re expecting it. They won’t come looking for it, not yet, they know my work’s not always quick. But they do want the body, oh yes, and they wouldn’t let it out of their gates, not if they had a choice in the matter.’ ‘So they want to kill me,’ said Alfric. ‘So how do I survive hereafter?’
‘I can’t help you there,’ said Nappy. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve done what I can, but the rest is up to you.’
Nappy guided Alfric to the Polta Door and showed him out into the night. Then Nappy let the door close behind them.
‘Where did it go?’ said Alfric, staring at the rock walls of Saxo Pall. ‘It’s vanished!’
‘It’s closed, that’s all,’ said Nappy. ‘Here, young sir. Put your hand here. That’s right. And the other one there, just there. Now. Push inward and downward with the left hand, inward and upward with the right. See?’ What appeared to be solid rock gave beneath Alfric’s hands, and the Polta Door opened.
‘Finding the place,’ said Nappy, ‘that’s the thing. Finding the place. Landmarks, that’s the thing. Line up landmarks.’
Alfric orientated himself. Looked up the slopes of Mobius Kolb to the walls of the Bank and to the moonshining Gloat on the heights beyond.
‘I can find the place again,’ said Alfric.
‘I hope you can, young sir,’ said Nappy calmly. ‘Because I won’t be here to help you.’
Then Nappy said one final goodbye, went into Saxo Pall through the Polta Door, and let that secret portal close behind him.