I got a fair bit of grief over this, but it wasn’t as bad as what happened next. The second problem was even closer to home. It started when WBAL, one of the Baltimore television stations, was out at Hereford High filming a lacrosse game with Perry Hall, in May. The twins were there, of course, along with the rest of the varsity cheerleading team. At some point they decided to shoot some footage of the cheerleaders (pretty girls in short skirts, sounds like a winner to me!) and all the girls eagerly crowded around. They were teenage girls and being on television was exciting! For whatever reason, the interviewer asked them if they had summer jobs lined up. A few of the girls said they were working in local stores or for their family businesses or babysitting. Holly and Molly decided to goof off. Holly replied, “Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I sell drugs and my sister turns tricks.”
Molly chimed in and added, “Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturdays we switch off.”
Holly finished with, “Sunday is a day of rest!”
Then, with all of their buddies laughing hysterically, they all ran back over to the sidelines. At that point, one of the editors back at the station figured out that it wasn’t just a bunch of ditzy cheerleaders fooling around. No, it was the twin daughters of the Vice President of the United States who were goofing off! They made the top of the local news that night. The Baltimore Sun picked it up and put it below the fold on page 3 in the morning. At that point it was loose in the world!
I learned about it when Frank Stouffer ran into my office that next day around noon. “Boss! You have to see this! Turn on your television!”
“Frank, what’s going on?”
“Turn on the television!” He grabbed the remote and flipped it to CNN, which was finishing a segment on my daughters joking about selling drugs and becoming prostitutes.
“What in the hell?” I asked him.
“Were Holly and Molly on television yesterday?” he asked.
I shrugged in ignorance. “No idea. If they were, I don’t know how. I was here last night. Marilyn was at home with the twins.”
“You’d better make a call!”
I shrugged again and called Marilyn. “Where are the girls?” I asked.
“At school. Where else would they be now?” she replied.
“Were they on television yesterday?”
“Television? Why? What’s going on?”
“That’s what I’m trying to find out. Did you watch the local news last night?” I asked.
“No, I missed it getting dinner ready. By the way, are you coming home tonight?”
I glanced over at Frank, and an equally agitated Carter, who had just come in. “I think so. I think I am coming home tonight. Make sure the girls are there.”
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I hung up. I looked over at the other two. “So, want to tell me what is going on?”
They looked at each other nervously, and then Frank said, “You’re going to need to see it for yourself, Mister Vice President.”
About twenty minutes later CNN’s Headline News rolled around with a repeat of the report. They had the clip from WBAL, cut down to just the last few questions, and there were the twins proclaiming how they were going to work as drug dealers and prostitutes over the summer. It would have been hilarious if it weren’t for the fact that upon entering the White House it was required that you check your sense of humor at the front door. I just rolled my eyes and tried to keep from smiling.
On cue, the phone rang. It was Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary. He was on his way over. I was to be ready to explain this.
I looked at the other two. “Okay, back to work. Ari is coming over. You don’t need to be involved. Just let the Secret Service know I’ll be traveling to my home tonight, and not the Naval Observatory. Thanks.”
Ari Fleischer barged in as they were leaving. “Mister Vice President, what have your daughters done!?”
“Ari, you know as much as I do. I thought kids were off limits to the press?”
“Nothing is off limits, you should know that! Your daughters are going to sell drugs and turn tricks? This is a disaster!” he cried.
“Ari, how is this any more of a disaster then when Bush’s daughters got picked up for underage drinking a few days ago? I don’t recall the end of the republic occurring when that happened?” I asked him.
“They didn’t do it on national television!”
Just then Karl Rove stormed in, with a full head of steam. “What the hell are your fucking daughters up to now!?” he demanded.
I fixed him with a glare. “Watch your mouth, Karl. Those are my daughters you’re talking about.”
“Screw you, Buckman! We just buried the problems with Jenna and Barbara and you do this? Have you lost your mind?!” He never bothered to give me a chance to talk, but turned to Fleischer and said, “You’ll need to put out a statement, something about how the Vice President regrets the statement his daughters made and how he understands the significance of the drug problem in this country…”
“Don’t forget the prostitution,” I chimed in.
“This isn’t funny, Buckman! Why don’t you just shut the hell up?!” I contemplated tossing his fat ass out the door for a second. Rove just turned back to Ari and said, “Yeah, and the prostitution problem. Add in something about how the Vice President apologizes for his daughters’ behavior and youthful indiscretion and is counseling them.”
Ari looked over at me and I simply shook my head. “Forget it, Ari. Don’t bother. I am not throwing my daughters under a bus so that George Bush’s daughters look good in comparison. Forget it.”
Karl said, “Screw you, Buckman! Ari, write the damn release!”
I stood up and pointed towards the door. “Karl, you can leave under your own power or get thrown out head first, your choice. Ari, I’ll see you at the press briefing in the morning. I think I’m going home to talk to the dope dealers and flesh peddlers in the house. You put out a release like what he wants and I will publicly repudiate it tomorrow morning. See how well that goes over.”
I pushed past the pair of them into the outer office and picked up the Secret Service agent assigned to me. Rove kept following me and ordering me to return and do as I was told. It was quite the spectacle going through the West Wing. Finally I had enough and I turned to him. “Karl, if you don’t settle down I will deck you here and now. I’d love to read Ari’s press release for that!”
The Special Agent stepped in front of Rove and said, “Sir, I have to ask you to step back.”
“Get out of my way!” Karl blustered.
“Sir, if you do not step back I will be forced to detain you.”
He turned to face me and said, “Buckman, this isn’t over!” and then stormed off.
“Thank you,” I said to the agent, and then we continued on. We took a limo over to the Naval Observatory, and then took Marine Two home to Hereford.
I came in to find Marilyn knitting in the living room. Holly and Molly were sitting on the couch looking nervously at me. Marilyn seemed quite a bit calmer. “You’re home early,” she commented.