I could have crossed at Emmanuel, but in my cowardice I craved the shelter of the scaffolding. I turned left down the pavement alongside the construction site and kept under it until I had to cross the street. More construction obscured me there, between Christ’s College and the bus station. I’d been under cover since coming out of Downing Street. The open green of Christ’s Pieces stretched in front of me. I hesitated to step out from the covered alley.
“Don’t be an idiot,” I said out loud. I made myself step onto the path.
Approaching footsteps beat behind me, under the alley’s temporary roof. I quickened my pace to keep ahead of them. Once into the park, I looked over my shoulder, but couldn’t make out more than a silhouette.
It was a woman. I don’t think she was a student; at least, she didn’t come across as studenty. Maybe it was the hair. The hair seemed like it belonged to someone’s mother. Polly’s mother.
I walked faster.
She was as quick as me, quicker. The distance between us shortened, despite my longer legs.
When she inevitably caught me up I whipped around to face her. “What do you want?” I shouted. I shouted it into her face.
She stepped back.
“Why are you following me, Mrs. Bailey?” I demanded.
She stepped back again. She wore a tracksuit, with a stripe down each leg. She had trainers on her feet. She flicked earphones off of her head.
“I’m sorry,” I stammered. Her glance flitted over all possible directions of escape. Back through the alley? Across the grass?
I pushed my hair off my forehead. “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else…” I walked closer, so I wouldn’t have to raise my voice.
She ran for the alley, probably because there was a homeless person in there. I suppose she thought I wouldn’t hurt her in front of a witness.
She wasn’t Mrs. Bailey-I realised that from her reaction-but she reminded me of Polly just the same. It was the turning and running.
I leaned over, hands on my knees, and tried to slow my breathing. The grass looked awfully close, closer…
“Nick?”
A soft, feminine voice. I sprang back upright.
“What? What do you want?” I spluttered. In that instant the voice was Liv, it was Polly and Gretchen and my sister. It was my mother, disappointed that I wasn’t staying home for dinner. I held my hands up in front of my face.
“I’m Miranda Bailey. Are you Nick Frey? Are you,” she asked, in light of the ridiculous outburst she’d just witnessed, “looking for me?”
She hadn’t followed me. Anyone with my address could guess I’d come this way. She’d simply waited.
“No, I, no…” I babbled.
“Are you all right?”
“Never better!” I flung my arms out wide. Then I started walking.
It was a public park. It’s not like I could stop her from walking beside me. It’s not like I could stop any of this.
We crossed the road together to New Square.
“Polly wrote me such nice things about you.”
“That’s very kind of her,” I said, staring straight ahead.
“I need to talk to you because you’re her friend.”
“You’ll have to ask her about that.” Polly had made it clear how she felt about me now.
“If you and Polly have been… intimate…”
“Good God, Mrs. Bailey.” I stopped in front of a rubbish bin. “I’m not going to talk about that with you.”
“There’s something you need to know.”
What? A disease? This was horrible. “Mrs. Bailey.” We faced each other. I put my hands on her shoulders. “You’ve got to stop. Please leave me alone.”
“You need to know that she’s a fragile person. You need to be gentle with her.”
Gentle. Had I been? I remembered pushing her up against the back of the lift.
She continued, “I think you’re good for Polly, you’re a good person. So I’m going to tell you this, so that you’ll understand what Polly’s going through, and why.”
And then she told me. I was stunned, of course, and sickened. She was matter-of-fact about it, having, I assume, gone over it so many times. She didn’t cry. She didn’t claim any part of the trauma for herself. I genuinely think she was telling me for Polly’s sake, misguided as that may have been.
“I’m so sorry,” I said automatically. Manners are a good fallback during times of stress. “That’s awful.”
In the lift, Polly had put her arms around my neck. I’m sure she did. But had she really wanted to? Or had she forced herself, trying to conquer her trauma by will? Were there signals I’d ignored? I’d stopped when she wanted me to.
Hadn’t I?
In my office, I’d only touched her shirt a second time because…
Because I wanted to. Because everything else about her acted like she wanted me to. There was just the hand, brushing my hand away. One hand, versus everything else about her: the way she was breathing and her open mouth.
And what I wanted.
“Polly’s a good girl.” Polly’s mother brought me back. “She’s a good girl, and she cares for you, and she’s been punished for caring for someone before.” I noticed that she’d not once said the name of the boy. “So you can understand,” she concluded, “why it would be a hurdle for Polly to let herself go again.”
I did understand. But, “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“She doesn’t want anyone here to know.”
Miranda looked very like Polly. Obviously older, but with much the same face. It gave the illusion of a future Polly time-travelling back to now to share this important information. But this wasn’t future-Polly. This was Miranda and she had no right. “If that’s so, then you shouldn’t have told me.”
“You need to know…”
“Polly will decide what I need to know. Polly will tell me when she’s ready to tell me. She’s brave, and she tried with me, and it’s no one’s place-not mine and not yours-to rush her into anything she’s not ready for.” I wanted to tell Polly that. I wanted to promise her patience. I wanted her to know that the lead was hers to take.
Miranda looked away from my indignation, staring at her purse held tight in both hands. “She’s lucky to have you,” she finally said.
Liv had said something like that last night, at the party. Just before the porter came, she’d said, “I’m lucky to have run into you tonight.”
Lucky.
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes. “No, she’s not.”
Miranda took a deep breath. She wasn’t done with me yet. “If you’d just go to see her…”
I cringed. No. Polly would have talked to Liv already. She’d be done with me. “I don’t think so.”
Miranda was offended, actually offended. She gasped. How dare I.
“Truly, Mrs. Bailey, I’m sorry. I just…”
“You just what? You just care about her, except for the part of her that hurts? That part of her that’s vulnerable? Is that ‘just’ it?” She looked so much like Polly in that moment, yet so angry. I don’t think I’ve seen Polly angry in that way. Then Miranda deflated. “I’m sorry. It’s only-she cares for you. I think you’re good for her.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I’m much good for anyone at the moment.” Not Polly, not Liv. Not even Gretchen, on whom I’d forced an unnecessary truth.
Miranda reached for me and I stepped back.
She reached again, and I stepped back again, almost tripping backwards over the low fence that lined the path.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
I turned and headed toward the Grafton. Miranda didn’t follow me at first. I got almost as far as the compass rose embedded into the pavement where Fitzroy and Burleigh Streets meet. I heard her footsteps growing louder and I turned.
She ran for me, charged at me, really. When she reached me, she begged. “Polly will think it’s her fault. And it’s not. You’ve got to let her…” It ran down into incoherence, and then, at last, apology. “This is madness. I’m sorry. I know you’ll do what you feel is right.”