Poppa leaned back in his chair and spread his hands expansively. “We’re a devout family. When Maggie was three years old, she wanted to be a nun; when she married me, she still wanted to be a nun. When we would argue, which sometimes happened in forty years of marriage, I would tell her to make up for lost time and get thee to a nunnery.”
I looked at Ben. If he ever spoke to me like that… but of course he never would.
“And this time”-Mr. Haskell emitted a sigh which sounded horrendously cheerful to me-“this time, for once in her life, the woman listens to her husband.”
The only sound in the room was the whispering of the purple caftan until Ben pounced out of his chair. First he opened his mouth, then he closed it, then jerked round to me. “Ask my father what he means.”
A more experienced wife might have taken the situation in stride. I stared, mute.
It was Paris who answered, imbuing his words with a grandeur worthy of the Old Vic.
“The sad truth, Ben, is that your parents have parted.”
My husband staggered and I helped him to a chair. “You mean separated? At my age I find myself the child of a broken home?”
“Was it anything we did?” I stood twisting my hands like Miss Thorn. “Did the wedding feature somewhere in this catastrophe?”
Poppa chuckled. “You young people always have such a big sense of your own importance.” He rose from his chair, smoothed out the bald spot, and spread his hands. “The reality is poor Maggie suspected me of having a romantic flutter with a Mrs. Jarrod, a nice widow lady who makes the best pickled herring in the world.”
“Mum thought you were having an affair?” Ben visibly relaxed. “Why the devil didn’t you tell her she was making something out of nothing; that at seventy years of age you are past making a fool of yourself, in some areas?”
His father stood in front of the fireplace looking like he had come down the chimney.
Paris bent to remove my cup as I said, “I’m sure the personal touch is very important in your business. Did Magdalene perhaps misinterpret?…” I left the question hanging open.
Poppa, brown eyes gleaming, closed it. “That, dear daughter-in-law, is my business.”
From the Files of
1st December, Commencing 7 P.M.
Vice President:
Kindly be seated, Mrs. Woolpack.
Beatrix Woolpack:
Oh, surely, must we be so formal? Please call me Beatrix!
Vice President:
Christian names are not permitted at emergency sessions, summoned only at moments of gravest crises. Our president being out of town, I, in accordance with Article Six, Section C, of the Bylaws, will preside. All board members are present, saving Mrs. Shrimpton, who is indisposed. Mrs. Howard, kindly pass Mrs. Woolpack that box of tissues so she may proceed to answer the charges that she willfully rescued a Subject To Be Retired. Tonight being the final episode of the BBC’s serialization of Pride and Prejudice, I’m sure we all wish to facilitate matters.
B.W.:
(Gulping sobs.) I will try to get a grip on myself, but I am so utterly devastated! So ashamed! Please believe me, Mrs. Howard and all my dear, good friends, I meant to do everything perfectly. I purchased the mice, as instructed, from the source in Bainsworth. I released them at precisely the right moment, using a magazine for camouflage. The train was coming. The S.T.B.R. was standing right at the edge of the platform-exactly as his personality profile suggested he would… Excuse me, may I have a cigarette? Thank you so much… When I released the mice, I felt productive, fulfilled. The S.T.B.R. screamed, clutched at his trouser legs, and pitched forward. (More sobs.)
Vice President:
As you say, Mrs. Woolpack, a job well done-until you forgot duty, loyalty, and sisterhood and snatched him off the line.
(Rumblings from the Board.)
B.W.:
I don’t know what came over me! The noise from the train filled up my whole head, and those lights-charging! I was hypnotised. I couldn’t think of anything, see anything… except the butcher’s scraps I had fed my cat at breakfast, all bloody like Mr. Daffy would be…
(Fist pounding on the table.)
Vice President:
You were instructed never to put a name to the S.T.B.R.
B.W.:
I know, but-
Vice President:
Consider, if you will, Mrs. Woolpack, how you would have felt if the person charged with the office of dispatching your husband had been overcome with such sentimentality.
B.W.:
(Weeping.) I know, I know. What can I say, Mrs. Howard? I was abominably selfish.
(More rumblings.)
Vice President:
You volunteered for this assignment.
B.W.:
Indeed I did. But it was stressed to me during my briefing that murder is not an exact science. I was told there was only a fifty-fifty chance that I would succeed. Don’t think I am excusing myself, but I do ask for a little understanding.
(Prolonged silence.)
Vice President:
Mrs. Woolpack, had the operation gone awry through no fault of yours or had you unwittingly bungled, you would have met with profound sympathy. As it is, the Board and I will bear in mind the excellent job you did in Correspondence. However, I feel it my duty to advise you before we convene, Mrs. Woolpack, that to err is human, to rescue is unforgivable. All rise.
9
… Primrose’s blue eyes misted. “Ben must have been seriously alarmed about his mother’s state of mind.”
“He was upset for her, but he didn’t believe she would jump off a bridge, if that’s what you are thinking. For one thing, her religion frowns on such behaviour. For another, Ben was certain she wouldn’t want to make things easy for Mrs. Jarrod.”
“Ben didn’t think his father was showing off, in regard to Mrs. Jarrod?” Hyacinth’s earrings hung motionless.
“Upon calming down, that’s exactly what he did believe-a wink or two and an extra orange slipped into the woman’s bag, that sort of thing. I didn’t know what to think. Poppa looked so smug. Quite like Tobias when he knows we know he has been in the pantry. When we mentioned Constable Beaker, Poppa said he was glad the police had time on their hands. He told us that his wife had dragged her suitcase out from under the bed on the morning of the twenty-seventh November and announced she was leaving to take up a life of prayer and abstinence. I kept picturing her trudging some lonely road clad in sackcloth, but Paris relieved my mind on that score. He said my mother-in-law had telephoned the afternoon of her departure and told him she had found a safe harbour at the seaside. Ben spent the rest of our visit to the flat saying that a change of scene would do his mother the world of good and that he was certain she would soon come to her senses and return home, to the embarrassment of the gossips.”
Primrose clasped her papery hands. “Paris! I do hope he was named for the Trojan. So romantic, that whole story! Aphrodite and the apple, the incomparable Helen: the face that launched a thousand ships. Foolish of me, but as a young girl I used to think I would be quite satisfied if I could launch a couple of rowing boats.”
I know the feeling. I suppose every woman does on her honeymoon…
The Hostelry was known the length and breadth of England for its home-away-from-home atmosphere. So said the liveried porter as he carried our luggage into the bridal suite. But looking around at the cream and gilt splendour, I could believe Ben and I were guests in someone’s home-a someone who did not know we were here and would have been hopping mad if he knew we were treading down the pile of his champagne carpet, fingering his filigreed light switch plates and fogging his rococo mirrors. The marble fireplace reminded me of monuments in St. Anselm’s churchyard. Drawing a silk handkerchief from his gold-braided pocket, the porter flicked a single speck of dust from a carved rose on the headboard of the exquisitely fragile Louis XIV bed.