Louise found a fallen tree, warmed by the sun, sat on the smooth trunk, and took out the sketch pad and pencil she always carried with her on her hikes about the countryside. As stationery, the plain white paper lacked the prestige of her usual creamy vellum with its royal crest, but she knew Amanda wouldn’t care. She began:
Amanda dear,
You asked that I write, probably believing I’d find little time, so preoccupied would I be with my new husband. I fear this is far from the reality of my situation. I shall make short work of describing what transpired on my wedding night, as even now it is painful to think of.
Lorne is not the man I believed him to be. To be blunt: his passions are directed in every way toward his own sex. He has no interest in me, in any woman, or in performing his duty as a husband. I am trying not to be bitter, but this is a terribly difficult pill to swallow. At the moment, I am trying to determine the wisest course of action. It is my hope that you will be able to help me puzzle through this dilemma. Here are my choices, as I see them now:
First, I might divorce Lorne and hope to find a mate better suited to my own passions and character. But I would need to offer specific reasons for wishing to dissolve the marriage. To state the truth would destroy the marquess. He might well be sent to prison—which is his worst fear, and I would not wish it on him. I’ve confided in Bertie, and he told me they put men of Lorne’s persuasion to hard labor, force them to sleep in damp, crowded cells with no heat, no mattress or blanket for warmth, and give them too little food to restore their strength. I imagine the harassment of the guards is most dreadful. Under such conditions, even a short term of a few years might ruin a man’s health. It is just a matter of time before a prisoner succumbs to consumption. A delicate soul like Lorne would likely wither all the more rapidly.
My second option is to maintain our charade, stay married to Lorne and pretend happiness. In time, I may convince myself that I am content with my lot. That would please Mama and silence London gossips. If I bury myself in my work for the poor and in my art, I may yet build for myself a fulfilling life. Do you remember my speaking of someday carving a life-size statue of Father to honor his memory? I still have so much to learn before attempting such a challenging project. But, married to Lorne, with no obligations or restraints made upon my time by pregnancy and children, I will be free to follow my muse, and dedicate myself to service to the poor. Shouldn’t that make me happy?
Children, though. That is what I shall miss, perhaps even more than a man’s affections. How I’d wanted a bevy of them. A squealing, kissing, hugging, drooling flock of little ones. Oh, Amanda my dear, what will I do about that? Lorne will never give them to me. Do you think I’m capable of sleeping with another man simply to induce pregnancy? I might keep my children’s fatherhood a secret. Demand that Lorne claim my babies as his, thereby cloaking them in legitimacy.
Well, I guess I’ve miscounted, because that’s actually a third option—keeping a lover on the side for pleasure and baby making. A stud as it were, no different than the stallions in Windsor’s stables. But the risk of being found out is appalling. The scandal would destroy the family. And Mama—well, she would be frantic about the royal lineage. Even bastard children may lay claim to the crown under the right circumstances.
I just feel so very confused, and hurt, and desperately in need of your advice. The idea of taking a companion lover, for the sake of assuaging my loneliness and satisfying the lust I feel when a strong man looks my way—well, that seems utterly distasteful and unappealing. I would feel as though I were giving in to the basest of animal instincts if I didn’t love the man I took to my bed. And what if he didn’t love me—even a little? How sad that would be.
Anyway, I know few men with whom I’d even want to be intimate.
Louise hesitated, her sketching pencil poised above the page. Dare she continue? She’d never been able to reveal such intimate feelings to her own sisters. But then, hadn’t she and Amanda already shared the bond of a secret even more shocking than Lorne’s?
Drawing a breath for strength, Louise set to completing her letter . . .
I can imagine you chiding me now, reminding me that, some time ago, one man was quite capable of winning my heart, soul, and body—and therefore it stands to reason there will be others. But I would argue this isn’t necessarily how life works. Sweet, blithe-spirited Donovan of my innocent youth was quite unique. I don’t know that another man could make my heart, or body, sing as he did. If we two ever were reunited by chance or design, I might again fly into his arms and be his—ignoring my mother’s, and possibly your, warnings.
Who can say why he left me and where he went? I’ve struggled these many years to answer those questions. Perhaps he loved me so deeply he left to save me worse heartache—knowing we could never marry. I suppose any number of other explanations are possible. He might have been attacked in an alley and terribly injured, or even killed. Then again, he might still be alive, wishing we could be together. If there were any way of discovering the truth . . .
But more to the point, I must look to my own future. Have you any thoughts at all on this most troubling marriage of mine? Give them to me, Amanda, please do. I need your clever mind and down-to-earth views on life to help me through this most painful predicament of mine.
Write soon, dear friend. Ever faithfully yours,
Louise
Louise closed her sketch pad. She’d post the letter tomorrow and pray that Amanda would have a solution to her problem . . . though she had little real hope.
She walked faster, drying her tears, using her riding crop to whack away at brush that had started closing over her favorite path leading away from the castle and toward the town. The farther she walked, the more determined she became to seize control of her life, to make something of it and not wallow in self-pity. Her mother, her husband, the court—she refused to let them determine her happiness, or lack of it.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Louise gasped and spun around, crop raised in front of her as a weapon against the intruder with the deep voice. Stephen Byrne stood not twenty feet behind her on the path. Yet she hadn’t heard as much as a single snap of a branch to announce his approach.
“I require no one’s permission to take exercise,” she said, sounding far too defensive to her own ears.
“Don’t be stupid.”
“I beg your pardon!” She glared at the man, standing there in judgment of her. Here was a common hired hand—when it came right down to it, that’s what he was—not even a subject of the queen. A foreigner. And he was insulting her and attempting to order her about?
After delivering the royal party to Balmoral, Byrne had disappeared for a full forty-eight hours. She knew because she’d watched for him. Well, didn’t she need to discuss something important with him? So she’d asked several of the staff if they knew where she could find him, since the maids would have had to make up a room for him. They said they didn’t believe he’d stayed even one night at the castle. She expected he’d gone off on another mission for her mother, or returned to London to report to his superiors. But here he was now, hunting her down as if she were a hound that had wandered from the kennel.
“Did you just call me stupid, sir?”