It was not possible for me to keep my gaze upon him, yet was I aware of the hurt and rage which drove him to his feet and away from where I sat. Mehrayn had no further words to speak, which was truly a blessing, yet would a greater blessing have been for Jalav to fall senseless to the ground. With no more than a few angry strides was the male gone entirely from me, and already had the ache of his going begun deep within. Mehrayn was denied me as Ceralt had been denied me, yet the ache came as though the matter might be done otherwise. A great fool was Jalav, and more than a fool, to feel such a thing for those who would never be hers.
Few words were exchanged among those in our camp before the toray was done, even the Summa refraining from questioning me upon that which had occurred. Chaldrin went and fetched my toray and his, and I took it and fed upon it even though I had lost all desire for it. The hunger of healing continued to be with me, and for that I gave silent thanks to Mida; the eyes of Mehrayn glowered from across the camp, and I had no wish to appear indecisive before him. I had sent him from me, and there he would stay.
With the toray fed upon I completed the combing of my hair as best I might, and then did I return the comb to its place upon my kan. Ilvin and the male S’Heernoh had both gone briefly into the pond to wash themselves, and as darkness had already fallen all those about the camp prepared to take their rest. The crackling fire cast shadows all about as S’Heernoh joined the Summa, and Chaldrin looked up as I halted before his cloth-covered lenga pelt. Even with the cloth the fur would be overwarm to lie upon, yet for once Mida’s bare ground held little attraction for me. Chaldrin looked upon me where I stood silent and unmoving, joined my silence for a moment, then turned his head toward Ilvin.
“Girl, go to those Sigurri warriors who ride with the Sword and tell them you are theirs for this darkness,” said he to Ilvin, his tone gentle yet firm. “Should they be uninterested in the use of a wench, seek a solitary place to take your rest. You are not to return here.”
Ilvin, clearly distressed, parted her lips to speak, yet did the words die on her tongue when her gaze met mine. There was naught she might do save obey no matter the humiliation obedience brought her, and the realization of this truth took her away into the shadows. With her departure Chaldrin sighed, patted the cloth beside him, then waited till I had lowered myself near him before he spoke.
“So you would slay the Sword if he were to slay me,” he murmured, his eyes upon me though I looked only at my folded legs. “Your honor would demand such a thing, I know, and I also know you capable of doing what must be done. Despite all, I feel compelled to ask: would you truly find it within you to cut Mehrayn down? I speak of no other, mind you; solely Mehrayn.”
The cloth-covered pelt beneath me was warm and yielding, calling comfort to my weary body. I opened my swordbelt and removed it then put it aside, yet were there still no words to reply with. Chaldrin had said I had spoken untruth, yet was there naught of insult felt within me, for he was correct. I would not have found myself able to strike down Mehrayn, no matter the cause, no matter the provocation.
“So I thought,” said Chaldrin with a further sigh when it was clear I would not reply to him. “It would not be possible for you to slay him, for you feel for him what he feels for you. For what reason then, have you entirely denied him?”
“He would throw his life away in an attempt to wrest me from the gods,” I whispered, the pain of the thought touching me again. “I would buy back his life as I did with another, yet do I fear I no longer have the strength. He would be lost then, and I likely surviving to recall my failure, and all would be far more unbearable. Far better that he find belief in my words, and ride elsewhere to seek another.”
“And this you believe he will do.” The words of Chaldrin were without inflection, neither giving support to the comment nor questioning it. I raised my eyes to look upon his shadow-darkened face, then nodded my head.
“He shall do so for I shall see to it,” said I, lifting one hand to stroke it slowly down his arm from his shoulder. “I have no understanding of the reason he dislikes the thought of my use of another male, yet am I able to understand that such use speaks of there being naught between us. I had desired the pleasure of you for this darkness, brother, and now do I have need of it as well. Am I to be refused?”
The eyes of Chaldrin continued to rest upon me from out of a shadowy visage, his silence and the darkness keeping his thoughts from me. Much did I begin to believe that he would indeed refuse me, and then his hand came gently to my face.
“Had you demanded my agreement I would surely have refused you,” said he, with resignation in his voice. “Had you sought to bring anger or jealousy to the Sword, I would also have refused you. However, as your intentions are honorable, and as I cannot refuse you when you call me brother in such a voice—”
His words ended as his arm came to my waist, and then was I lifted back to lie upon the cloth-covered fur away from the fire, the back of Chaldrin turned toward it. The hand of the male caressed my breast a brief moment before lowering to the ties of my breech, and then were his lips beside my ear.
“The Sword does not dislike the thought of another man possessing you,” Chaldrin murmured, slowly opening my breech and pulling it away. “The thought is abhorrent to him, as it would be to any man with sense. Should your schemings go counter to your expectations I am likely a dead man, and yet—” His hand, moving between my thighs, drew a soft gasp from me as my hands went to his arms, and gently he chuckled. “And yet, my girl, this will be the first I have had willing use from you. Perhaps the cost is not unreasonable.”
His lips came to mine as the heat began to rise within me, brought about by his touch upon my womanhood and the feel of his thickly muscled body against me. Well had I known that Chaldrin would have the ability to cause me to feel so, and deep was my need for strong pleasure without thought. Had it not been foolish I would have wished Chaldrin to be another, one who filled more than the emptiness Chaldrin would fill, yet was it indeed foolishness and idle as well. Again I moaned, beginning to lose myself, and such was surely for the best.
4
An abrupt departure—and the will of the gods
Fully had I expected Mehrayn to depart the camp with the new light in return to his city. My use of Chaldrin was to have shown him there was naught between him and me in accordance with his own views, yet had I forgotten how greatly lacking were males in reason. When we again took to the trail Mehrayn and his males were with us, he who was called Sigurr’s Sword silent and grim.
Of those who rode in our set, no other save Ilvin emulated Mehrayn. The pale-haired Hitta warrior was fully disturbed, for the two Sigurri who accompanied Mehrayn had accepted her use for the darkness with wide grins. They, unlike Chaldrin, had not considered even briefly the allowing of Ilvin her own method of use, instead taking their pleasure by making Ilvin helpless to their demands. The Hitta’s time in the capture of the followers of the Oneness had been harsh and cruel, ill preparing her for the use which Chaldrin and the Sigurri took. To be used with no thought for her own pleasure allows a warrior the dignity of hatred and the considering of revenge, yet to be made to feel great desire and need before she is granted use brings naught save humiliation. The consternation in Ilvin’s eyes showed she began to learn the lesson I had meant for her, the lesson teaching what might well have been her fate forever.
Wedin and Dotil had looked fondly upon the gray-haired male S’Heernoh when all three were mounted, and the male had returned their look with amused delight. It had pleased the Summa to allow the male their use rather than taking his, and they had not regretted their decision. Despite the age of the male he had been able to satisfy both of those he followed, which put a knowledge of justification for the request she had made in Wedin’s eyes.