“And what is the finish? Will I do what you want?”
Again, he sighed.
Something rustling in the corners of the room. The draperies swayed violently. And the chandelier sang softly again, glass striking glass. Was there a layer of vapor rising to the ceiling, stretching out to the pale peach-colored walls? Or just the firelight dancing in the corner of her eye?
“The future is a fabric of interlacing possibilities,” he said. “Some of which gradually become probabilities, and a few of which become inevitabilities, but there are surprises sewn into the warp and the woof, which can tear it apart.”
“Thank God for that.” she said. “So you can’t see to the finish.”
“I do and do not. Many humans are entirely predictable. You are not predictable. You are too strong. You can be the doorway if you choose.”
“How?”
Silence.
“Did you drown Michael in the sea?”
“No.”
“Did anyone do it?”
“Michael fell off a rock into the sea because he was careless. His soul ached and his life was nothing. All this was written in his face, and in his gestures. It would not take a spirit to see it.”
“But you did see it.”
“I saw it long before it happened, but I did not make it happen. I smiled. Because I saw you and Michael come together. I saw it when Michael was small and saw me and looked at me through the garden fence. I saw the death and rescue of Michael by Rowan.”
“And what did Michael see when he drowned?”
“I don’t know. Michael was not alive.”
“What do you mean?”
“He was dead, Dr. Mayfair. You know what dead is. Cells cease to divide. The body is no longer under one organizing force or one intricate set of commands. It dies. Had I gone into his body, I could have lifted his limbs and heard through his ears, because his body was fresh, but it was dead. Michael had vacated the body.”
“You know this?”
“I see it now. I saw it before it happened. I saw it when it occurred.”
“Where were you when it occurred?”
“Beside Deirdre, to make Deirdre happy, to make her dream.”
“Ah, so you do see far.”
“Rowan, that is nothing. I mean I see far in time. Space is not a straight line for me, either.”
She laughed softly again. “Your voice is beautiful enough to embrace.”
“I am beautiful, Rowan. My voice is my soul. Surely I have a soul. The world would be too cruel if I did not.”
She felt so sad hearing this that she could have cried. She was staring at the chandelier again, at the hundreds of tiny reflected flames in the crystal. The room seemed to swim in warmth.
“Love me, Rowan,” he said simply. “I am the most powerful being imaginable in your realm and there is but one of me for you, my beloved.”
It was like a song without melody; it was like a voice made up of quiet and song, if such a thing can be imagined.
“When I am flesh I shall be more than human; I shall be something new under the sun. And far greater to you than Michael. I am infinite mystery. Michael has given you all that he can. There will be no great mystery any longer with your Michael.”
“No, that can’t be true,” she whispered. She realized that she’d closed her eyes; she was so drowsy. She forced herself to look at the chandelier again. “There is the infinite mystery of love.”
“Love must be fed, Rowan.”
“You are saying I have to choose between you and Michael?”
Silence.
“Did you make the others choose?” She thought of Mary Beth in particular, and Mary Beth’s men.
“I see far as I told you. When Michael stood at the gate years ago in your time, I saw that you would make a choice.”
“Don’t tell me any more of what you saw.”
“Very well,” he said. “Talk of the future always brings unhappiness to humans. Their momentum is based upon the fact that they cannot see far. Let us talk about the past. Humans like to understand the past.”
“Do you have another tone of voice other than this beautiful soft tone? Could you have spoken those last few words sarcastically? Is that how they were meant to sound?”
“I can sound any way that I like, Rowan. You hear what I feel. I do feel in my thoughts, in what I am, pain and love. Emotions.”
“You’re speeding up your words a little.”
“I am in pain.”
“Why?”
“To end your misunderstandings.”
“You want me to make you human?”
“I want to have flesh.”
“And I can give you flesh?”
“You have the power. And once such a thing is achieved, other such things may be achieved. You are the thirteenth, you are the door.”
“What do you mean, ‘other such things’?”
“Rowan, we are talking of fusion; of chemical change; the structural reinvention of cells, of matter and energy in a new relationship.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Then you know, as with fission, if it is achieved once, it can be achieved again.”
“Why couldn’t anyone else do it before me? Julien was powerful.”
“Knowledge, Rowan. Julien was born too soon. Allow me once more to use the word fusion and in a slightly different fashion. We have spoken so far of fusion within cells. Let me now talk of a fusion between your knowledge of life, Rowan, and your innate power. That is the key; that is what enables you to be the doorway.
“The knowledge of your era was unimaginable even to Julien, who saw in his time inventions that seemed purely magical. Could Julien have foreseen a heart opened on an operating table? A child conceived in a test tube? No. And there will come after you those whose knowledge is great enough even to define what I am.”
“Can you define yourself to me?”
“No, but I am certainly definable, and when I am defined by mortals, then I shall be able to define myself. I learn all things from you which have to do with such understanding.”
“Ah, but you know something of yourself which you can tell me now in precise language.”
“-that I am immense; that I must concentrate to feel my strength; that I can exert force; that I can feel pain in the thinking part of me.”
“Ah, yes, and what is that thinking part? And whence comes the force you exert? Those are the pertinent questions.”
“I do not know. When Suzanne called to me I came together. I drew myself up small as if to pass through a tunnel. I felt my shape, and spread out like the five-pointed star of the pentagram which she drew, and each one of these points I elongated. I made the trees shiver and the leaves fall, and Suzanne called me her Lasher.”
“And you liked what you did.”
“Yes, that Suzanne saw it. And that Suzanne liked it. Or else I would never have done it again and not even remembered it.”
“What is there in you that is physical, apart from energy?”
“I do not know!” The voice was soft yet full of despair. “Tell me, Rowan. Know me. End my loneliness.”
The fire was dying in the grate, but the warmth had spread all through the room, and it surrounded her and held her like a blanket. She felt drowsy but sharply alert.
“Let’s return to Julien. Julien had as much power as I have.”
“Almost, my beloved. But not quite. And there was in Julien a playful and blasphemous soul that danced back and forth in the world, and liked to destroy as much as to build. You are more logical, Rowan.”
“That is a virtue?”
“You have an indomitable will, Rowan.”
“I see. Not broken with humor as Julien’s will could be broken.”
“Pree-cisely, Rowan!”
She laughed again under her breath. Then she fell quiet, staring at the shimmering air.
“Is there a God, Lasher?”
“I do not know, Rowan. In time I have formed an opinion and it is yes, but it fills me with rage.”