‘Yes, we want to know how you get on, don’t we, Brian Junior?’
Brian Junior said, ‘I have very little human curiosity, Barry, so I’m not especially bothered, but I know my mother would appreciate another fleeting visit. Perhaps when your teeth are fixed? I’ll show you downstairs, give you some internet basics and the web address.’
At the door, Barry turned and flashed a smile at Eva. His mouth looked like the Colosseum without the cats.
For a few minutes, there was a low mumbling from the hallway. When she heard the door slam, Eva moved to the window and waved Barry off.
He started the engine, then did a three-point turn… and another… and another.
She realised eventually that Barry was doing the taxi drivers’ equivalent of a victory roll.
43
The snow had disrupted the country. Transport and services, including postal deliveries, were erratic.
At six thirty in the evening, a week later, a postcard from Alexander was pushed through the letter box, together with junk mail and bills. Brian took the post and sorted through it at the kitchen table. On one side of the postcard was a hand-painted watercolour snow scene of the Thames, with Westminster Bridge and the Houses of Parliament.
Brian turned the card over and read:
Dear Eva,
I am going crazy in my mother-in-law’s house, she insists we all start the day at 7 a.m., and that we are in bed by 9p.m. ‘to save on the electric’.
I have sold four pictures since I’ve been here. Although my mother-in-law thinks that ‘daubing a bit of paint on paper is no way for a man to make a living’.
We’re back in Leicester next week. I think about you every day.
Brian looked at the small painting on the postcard and made a camel-like noise. It didn’t look much like the Houses of Parliament to him. And since when had the Thames been blue and spilled over on to the Embankment like that? He considered Impressionism to be cheating, in any case.
He threw the postcard into the ‘miscellaneous’ drawer of the kitchen dresser, then turned back to the tray he was preparing for Eva. It held a plate of cheese sandwiches, an apple, an orange and half a packet of digestive biscuits.
He filled a flask with hot tea, then took the tray upstairs to Eva, and said, ‘That will keep you going until I get back. Why the fuck did they have to go to Leeds? We’ve got two fine universities on our bloody doorstep. I can see them when I’m shaving!’
There was silence in the car. Poppy was playing the penitent.
Brian said to her, after a few miles, ‘You’re not your usual chatterbox self, Poppy.’
Poppy said, quietly, ‘No, I’ve been meditating. I’m trying to find out who I am, Brian. I have individuation issues.’
The twins sniggered.
Brianne said, from the back seat, ‘I know exactly who you are, Poppy. Would you like me to tell you?’
Poppy said, meekly, ‘No, but thank you, Brianne.’
Brianne sat back in her seat, enjoying the moment.
Brian Junior said, ‘I can’t take any more of this tension. It’s not only that you’re a dangerous driver, Dad, it’s the knowledge that we all have this bitter internal monologue running inside our heads. Can we put some music on, please?’
Brian said, ‘I’ll take criticism of my driving when you’ve been behind the wheel a good few years, son. And I’m still hopeful that we can forget Christmas and move forward. Why don’t we have an interesting conversation? I’ve chosen a few topics – would you like to hear them?’
Poppy said, ‘Yes,’ while the twins said, ‘No,’ at the same time.
Brian said, ‘OK, how about youth unemployment?’
Nobody responded.
‘The euro?’
Again, nobody responded.
‘All right, something for you young people. Which would kill you faster – a shark or a lion?’
Brian Junior said, ‘A shark. By a fifteen-second leeway.’
Brianne said, ‘How about, how long have you been shagging Titania? Let’s talk about that.’
Brian said, ‘You’re not a man, Brianne. You wouldn’t understand.’
Brian Junior stated blankly, ‘I’m a man, and I don’t understand.’
‘You’re a boy,’ said Brian. ‘And, Brian Junior, I suspect you’ll be a boy for the rest of your life.’
‘That’s an incredibly hurtful thing to say,’ observed Brian Junior, ‘especially coming from a man who sometimes wears a baseball cap backwards.’
Brianne added, ‘Who listens to Rice Krispies after the milk has been poured, and sings a little song, “Snap Crackle and Pop”.’
Poppy said, in her breathy voice, ‘I never met a more mature man in my life. I wish that I’d had you for a father, Brian.’ She placed her hand on top of Brian’s, which was resting on the gearstick.
Brian made no move to free himself from her little hand. When he changed gear, he took Poppy’s with him.
Brianne asked, ‘How can you prefer Titania to Mum? Mum is still beautiful. And she’s kind, and interested in people. Titania looks like the contents of a specimen jar, and she’s not kind, Dad. She calls Alexander “Magnum Man” behind his back. She says he’s dark brown and chocolatey on the outside, white ice cream in the middle.’
Brian laughed and said, ‘You must admit, Brianne, that he does sound and behave like minor royalty by way of Scarborough, Tobago.’
Brianne shouted, ‘He was adopted by an English couple who sent him to Charterhouse. He can’t help the way he speaks!’
Brian was trying to move a juggernaut into the middle lane by the use of his lights and tailgating. He shouted over the crashing of gears, ‘Methinks she doth protest too much. You sound as though you’ve got quite a crush on him.’
‘It’s more than a crush. I love him.’
Brian lost concentration on the road, and had to jerk on the steering wheel to bring the car back into line. He said, ‘He’s thirty-two years older than you, Brianne!’
She said, ‘I don’t care.’
‘You’ll care when you’re wiping his ancient arse, and his teeth are in a glass by the side of your bed. Does he return your love, Brianne?’
Brianne looked out of the window through the snow at the halo of tail lights ahead. ‘No,’ she said.
‘No,’ repeated Brian, ‘because you’re an infatuated stupid teenager. You’re just a kid.’
Brian Junior leaned forward until his mouth was very near to Brian’s ear and said, quietly, ‘And you’re a hypocrite. You’re eighteen years older than Titania.’
Brian gesticulated despairingly as he roared, ‘Do you think I don’t know that? For years I was terrified that she’d leave me for a younger man.’
The car swayed from side to side.
Poppy removed her hand from Brian’s and squealed, ‘Please, put both hands back on the steering wheel!’
Brian Junior said, ‘I want to know when exactly you fell out of love with Mum. I want to know how long you’ve been lying to our family.’
‘I haven’t fallen of out of love with your mum. Adults’ lives are complicated.’ After a long silence, Brian continued, ‘We should have stuck to “The Euro – Fight or Flight?” It does nobody any good to pick at old scabs.’
Brianne said, ‘I love picking at scabs. It’s so satisfying when they come away and you see the fresh skin beneath.’
Brian exploded, ‘All right! You’re both so fucking mature! I’ll tell you exactly how it was with me and Titania! Ask me anything you like!’
The twins were silent.
Poppy said, ‘Was it wonderfully romantic? Did you fall for her at first sight?’
‘It was more of a slow burn. I was impressed with her intelligence, and her brilliant research. She was like a terrier, clinging on to what she knew to be right. She made herself unpopular, but not with me.’
The twins exchanged a mocking glance.
Poppy said, ‘How did you first get together?’