“You know, if you’re going to kill me, you should just get it over with,” he said, propping himself up on his elbows, his voice low, trying not to wake the others. I jumped, startled, and dropped the knife.
“I wasn’t, I mean, oh you know I wasn’t.” I was so embarrassed that he’d seen me staring at him.
“You so beautiful when you blush,” he said, staring into the fire. Watching him now, it was clear. He was no longer the boy I met in Pau. He was sure of himself, strong. I wished I had that confidence.
“I wish you wouldn’t say things like that,” I said, throwing the stick in the fire, watching it wrap its orange and yellow flames around the thin arm of wood and draw it into the heat.
Joseph sat up and pulled himself out of the bag. He made his way over and sat down with a thud. He gently nudged me with his shoulder. “Why?” I found it surprising that he didn’t know the answer to that question.
I picked up a stumpy piece of wood and retrieved the knife from the edge of the fire. Brushing the dirt off the blade, I began working my way into the bark. Carefully stripping away the outer layers, the dark grey skin peeled away easily.
“It just makes it harder to...” I wasn’t sure what to say next so I let the words fall away to silence.
“To resist me,” he said jokingly, raising his eyebrows.
I carefully dug the knife in at an angle, slicing away at the bone-colored flesh, removing small pieces and flicking them into the fire. “Well, yes, I suppose.” My nervousness at this conversation was showing, my legs rattling uncontrollably. I wanted to be calm. Cooler.
“Oh,” he said, half-laughing, half-sighing. “Why do you have to?” he asked genuinely.
I whittled the wood further, using the thin edge of the knife to smooth out the shape. Adding sharper angles, refining and defining the shape I was trying to bring forth from the timber.
“Because I know what you want and I’m not sure I can give it to you. Whatever I feel, it doesn’t matter. I’m carrying your child and you want that child. I just don’t know if I want it. If I could even tolerate it,” I blurted out in one breath. I had hoped I could say it better, but it was too late to take it back.
“Rosa, you are so frustrating.” He was angry—I knew he would be. “I know you have been through hell and I know you don’t know whether you can love this baby.” I wasn’t expecting that. He took my hand in his. “We have months before we have to face that problem. I’m not going to force you to make a choice. Just tell me...” He stuttered over the last part, trying to choose his words carefully. “How do you, I mean, um, do you love me?” He removed his hand from mine and clasped his own two hands together tightly, awaiting my reply.
There it was. I could have lied. Perhaps I should have, but he was looking at me so intensely, his beautiful eyes searching mine. Begging me for an answer. “You know I do,” I whispered, feeling the blood run to my face. Feeling the gravity of my words anchoring me.
His laugh boomed out across the forest. Our traveling companions stirred in their sleep, but thankfully they did not wake. I was shocked—what was so funny about that?
“Why are you laughing at me?” I said, glaring at him, unconsciously waving the knife in his face.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you would think that, somehow, I would know that you loved me. You are always pushing me away.” I suppose that was true, but I had always thought he knew why I was doing that, that my feelings were obvious. I was trying to protect him. Then I remembered that day, when Clara told me that I’d hurt him. That he thought I was in love with Rash, which was ridiculous. Perhaps it was obvious, only to her, how much I cared for him. I held my heart, feeling pain creeping in.
Joseph’s face flickered with concern. “You ok?” he asked.
I nodded. “It’s just...Clara,” I whispered. He nodded in agreement. Sometimes the pain was physically crippling. I wondered if he was scared I would regress to that shadow state again. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t
“So what do we do?” he said as he pressed his cheek to mine. I leaned into it, feeling liquid gold rising. Like the sun, I had no power to stop it. What could we do?
I used the point of the knife to create swirls, working the curves into the wood, linking each curl together in a flowing pattern. “I’m open to suggestions.” I shrugged in a failed attempt to look unaffected. It wasn’t working. Nothing would work now. I had said the words. My heart was beating so fast at the realization that I couldn’t stand the idea of him walking away from me now. If he said we had to stop, I would fall to pieces. But if I chose him now, what would happen in two months?
“Well, if we love each other then we should be together.”
“You say it like it’s so simple.”
“It is.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. There was the future to consider, but I had resolved not to think about it. We didn’t know what would happen next. If I died tomorrow, I knew I would regret not saying yes to him tonight. Was it simple? I carved the dent of a chin into my piece of wood, scraping the neck down. It needed to be thinner. I closed my eyes. Threatening myself. Just speak. It would be better to lose this, than to not have had it at all.
“Ok,” I managed to utter softly.
He raised his eyebrows. He was surprised. I guess he didn’t always know what I was going to do. I smiled at him. He pulled me towards him in a tight embrace, my stomach, as always, getting in the way.
“Rosa, thank you,” was all he said. It was relief and fear mixed together. I knew that now I had made this choice, there was no going back. Everything that I had held back came spilling over. I allowed the liquid gold to spread throughout my body, finding its way in the dark. Opening me up, making me brave and vulnerable. It felt good.
“Will you lie with me?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said, still surprised. I watched him nervously and clumsily zip the bags together. Stumbling over the logs we had stacked for the fire. He was the sweetest man I could have found. I let it in. I let him in. I would let it heal me.
I gently placed the piece of wood and knife on the ground by the fire. I would finish her tomorrow.
Joseph lay down and I curled up in his arms. He swept my hair back from my ear, tiny tendrils of electricity making me shiver. He whispered, “I love you.” There was no urgency, no pain to his voice. It was simple. I knew this was where I should be, probably where I was always supposed to be. I didn’t reply, but placed his hand to my heart, hoping nightmares would not find me that night.
To say I was happy wouldn’t be the right word. It was more like, once I had made that choice, I felt released. Released from the angst of denying myself something I had wanted so very much. A pressure in my heart let out. I felt normal.
Joseph still irritated me, with his permanently cheery outlook and terrible sense of humor. That would probably never change. But I never understood why anyone would want to be with someone who was the same as them anyway. I think that would be the worst of all. Always agreeing, never having someone challenge you. I would die of boredom. But when he held my hand, or sidled up behind me and whispered in my ear, I disappeared into a bath of gold. I still thought of Clara constantly, but I was sure this was the path she had been trying to put me on ever since we were found in the forest.
When we awoke, our confessions, our decisions, were laid out for everyone to see. But there was no interest in our sleeping arrangements whatsoever. I don’t know what I was expecting, perhaps a raised eyebrow or a sarcastic comment from Deshi, but none was forthcoming. It didn’t bother Joseph. Maybe they expected it would happen eventually. I don’t why it should have mattered, but I didn’t like the idea that people thought they knew what I was going to do.