Again, we lagged behind the others by a few hundred meters. I bumped hips with Joseph’s affectionately, folding my hands inside my shirt anxiously. I wanted to ask him something but I was afraid of how it would come out.
“What do you think of Careen?” I asked nervously.
Joseph paused and rubbed his chin. “She’s all right, why?”
“I mean, what do you think of her, really?”
He stopped walking and turned to face me, “Rosa, what is this about?”
“Well, she’s quite attractive, isn’t she?” I said, staring at my stomach, my feet imagined, as they hid under my enormousness.
He chuckled, a deep vibration that I wished I could jump into, a pool of sound. “I suppose…”
“Yeah, I thought so,” I said, disappointed. I wanted him to say she was hideous, or that he didn’t even notice her looks at all.
“Is this about the nightdress? I was being stupid, just joking,” he assured me.
“No. It’s not that. Believe me, I’m used to you being stupid,” I teased.
“Then, what are you worried about?” he said, smiling irresistibly. My heart swelled and skipped.
“Just that,” I said, touching his mouth, tracing the smile on his lips.
“Rosa, I rescued you from underground, I fought a lynx for you, tried to wrestle a bear for you. How can you possibly doubt my feelings for you now?” He laughed.
“I’m glad you find it so funny,” I said as I punched his arm.
“Ouch!”
He calmed down and took my hand, trying to be serious, “Rosa, you are the only one for me, and whether you see it or not, you are beautiful, pregnant or not, ok?”
“Ok,” I said dubiously.
He shifted uneasily, not sure how to approach. “Can I ask you something?” he asked, his beautiful eyes gazing into my own ‘defective’ ones.
“Anything.”
He reached out his hand, hovering it over my bulging stomach. I had been afraid he would want to do this. I was surprised it had taken him so long to ask. I urged the leech not to kick. “Can I…?”
I sighed and nodded.
His warm hand circled the top of my belly. I allowed it for a few seconds and then I asked him to stop. It made something tighten in my chest, a guilty feeling I couldn’t explain. He did stop, but I could tell it made him sad.
We had enough problems to worry about, without me adding jealousy to the list.
I was deep in thought as we wound our way back to the campsite, barely noticing the leaning buildings, barely hearing Careen’s inane chatter. The details of the city melted away like running paint colors.
My hand swung absently in Joseph’s as I contemplated our situation. We’d been following Apella and Alexei blindly, partly because they were the adults and they had a plan. But I was starting to learn that age did not automatically mean someone was wiser. After the ridiculous revelation that they’d been searching for people living in the ruins of the city, I doubted their ability to lead, to make good decisions.
We were now close to the border between old Russia and Mongolia. We could keep walking but to what end? If we went on indefinitely, the seasons would change and winter would kill us. With no shelter or stocks of food, we wouldn’t survive. There had to be a better plan than this.
I tapped my belly, feeling the hardness of it, the unbreakable shell that kept a barrier between Joseph and me, between my feelings for him and my feelings about our instant little family. In two months’ time, I would be having this baby whether I liked it or not. I didn’t want to do that on the side of a cliff or in a cave, half-frozen and starving. I shook my head, my hair falling in a curtain around my face. No. We needed to sit down and work it out together.
It was dusk when we arrived back at the camp. The grey light was greyer still for the disappointing fact that Apella had not lit the fire. She sat huddled under a blanket, her blonde hair shining like a vague, dusty halo, rocking Hessa. I rolled my eyes at her incompetence. One of our biggest concerns should be that Hessa wouldn’t survive a journey through snow and ice.
We threw our new belongings in a pile just outside the circle of logs. The shiny stack of new possessions made us ragged and grimy by comparison. If I’d had the energy I would have changed, but all five of us collapsed on the logs, food the only thing on our minds. Deshi coaxed a fire from the dying coals and I scrounged for food. I couldn’t find much in the way of edible plants. I screwed up my nose, it would be grey sludge tonight.
After we ate, I announced my concerns.
Clearing my throat of the grey slime that seemed to cling to the inside of my mouth like candle wax, I said, “What happens after tonight? I mean, what’s the plan for the next part of our journey?”
Alexei held up his map and traced his finger along the route we had already travelled. We had walked so far. “I think we have another couple of weeks of walking left to do and then we will be in Mongolia, or what used to be Mongolia,” he said.
My legs ached at the thought of it. “And then what?” I asked. “What’s in Mongolia? Is there something there you’re not telling us about?” I searched their eyes, looking for the lie. Apella kept her eyes on Hessa; Alexei leaned away from my gaze. “We haven’t seen the choppers in weeks. No one’s looking for us. Why should we keep going? Why not prepare ourselves for winter near here?”
Joseph and Deshi nodded in agreement. We were so weary and it would only get harder as the weather changed. Careen looked confused, her pale face serenely blank. Her eyes flicked to the nodding boys and she mimicked their movements. I had a feeling she would go along with anything if it meant she wouldn’t be alone.
“We can’t be sure they are not still looking for the boys,” Alexei argued. “Deshi in particular was very valuable to the Classes.”
Deshi ran one hand over his arm smoothly. “I’m willing to take the risk,” he said plainly.
“Me too,” Joseph chimed in. “Rosa’s right. We can’t keep walking, hoping that someone will save us, or that we’ll find decent shelter before winter comes. We need to start preparing now.”
Apella looked desperate, she was going to lose, her rounded eyes begging someone to agree, her voice on edge, “I’m sure they are close. If we keep looking, we might find a settlement.”
I scoffed. “You need to give up on this idea. No one is coming to save us.” I squeezed my hands into fists. I wished I was wrong. I wished there was a humble settlement right around the corner where welcoming strangers would invite us in, but we were alone. We couldn’t follow an old map or hold onto the crazy idea that someone was coming to help us anymore. We had to think about survival.
I stood up, the chill in the air hinting at what was to come. I knew this was what needed to be done. “Tomorrow morning we will walk out of this ruin and search for a good place to make our own settlement.”
There was silence and the clawed hand of doubt scratched its way along the dirt towards me. Apella and Alexei could go on without us. I wasn’t sure I cared what they did. Remembering Clara’s labor, she pretty much did it all on her own anyway. Until the end anyway. I shuddered.
Joseph put his arm around me, instantly warming my shivering body. “You’re making big plans. You really think we can do it?” he challenged.
A sense of purpose was blooming in me, like so much blood it seeped and spread. I honestly didn’t know if this would work, but of the two choices, this made more sense to me.
Sometime in the night, I felt a strong chill. I shuffled around in my sleeping bag, thinking I had rolled to far from the fire. Joseph stirred but did not wake. He muttered something and put his hand on my waist. I looked to the center and saw nothing but the spotted orange glow that clung to ash. The fire was out. I heard scratching, or something being dragged across the other side of the campsite. I breathed in slowly, trying not to make any noise. As I exhaled, a glowing light just past the fire froze, yellow eyes shining in the moonlight. I jabbed Joseph sharply in the ribs. He made a startled, snorting noise as he awoke and, whatever it was, became smaller as it retreated but didn’t disappear.