Expand your stomach.
In the weeks before the competition, drink lots of water and eat nonfattening foods like celery, pineapple, and cabbage.
Do not fast.
Extreme hunger will shrink your stomach and make you a poorer competitor.
Eat a light breakfast.
On the morning of the competition, eat slightly less than usual. Arrive at the contest hungry but not excessively so.
Be Aware
• Partially eaten hot dogs count towards the total number eaten, and are judged in increments of one-eighth of a hot dog.
• Water refills are provided throughout the competition.
• The winner of the contest is awarded a cash prize of $10,000, as well as a “jewel”-encrusted belt of mustard yellow.
• “Reversal” (vomiting) is an immediate disqualifier.
HOW TO SURVIVE A SAMPLE SALE
1 Arrive early.
Spend the night on the sidewalk outside the sale location to secure a place in line.
2 Bring cash.
Sample sales rarely accept credit cards.
3 Be decisive.
Proceed directly to the racks or tables that hold the items of most interest to you. Take each garment that you like with you as you continue to search.
4 Try the garments on.
Once you have gathered all the clothes you are interested in, try them on. There are no exchanges or returns, so make sure that each item fits. There are no fitting rooms, so change in the aisles.
5 Examine every item carefully.
Check items for damage such as makeup smudges or perspiration stains.
6 Maintain physical contact with your selections at all times.
7 Be aggressive.
Follow shoppers who are holding items you want. Once an item is put down, it is considered available.
8 Dissuade other shoppers.
Tell someone who is trying on an item you want, “It’s too bad they don’t have that in your size.”
9 Avoid over-buying.
Do not become excited by the steep discounts and purchase unnecessary articles.
• If you cannot readily imagine a use for the outfit, you do not need it.
• Tailoring costs can easily cancel out even the most dramatic savings.
Be Aware
• Wear a layer of form-fitting, color-neutral underclothes. If you are a woman, wear a tank top or camisole and light-colored tights. If you are a man, wear full coverage boxers or boxer-briefs and a tight, white undershirt.
• To find the best deals, wait until later in the day, or the sale’s second or third day when the crowds will have dissipated and prices have been further discounted.
• Most items sold at sample sales are overstock or items from a previous season, but some are damaged or have been worn at runway shows
• Sample sales are often held in “found space,” so you cannot return; check online and newspaper announcements for more sales.
HOW TO GET INTO THE GOSSIP COLUMNS WITHOUT KILLING SOMEBODY
Inherit extraordinary wealth.
Become very good at something and rise to the top of your field.
Choose a high-profile profession such as film actor, real-estate developer, or professional athlete. Make surprising and/or bold career decisions that shake up the profession and shock the public. Win multiple awards.
Become famous-by-proxy.
Enter into a romantic or intimate relationship with a person who is already famous, even if the relationship only lasts for a brief period. Lavish physical attention upon the already-famous individual in a public or semipublic location. Capture the intimacy on camera. Blog about the encounter, and encourage other bloggers to link to your blog.
Stop doing whatever it is that made you famous.
Focus all your energy on your personal life.
Note the locations mentioned in gossip columns and go to those places.
Frequent trendy nightclubs, film festivals, art openings and other major Manhattan social events. Draw attention to yourself by dressing provocatively, drinking heavily, and complaining about the contents of your swag bag.
Frequently enter and exit drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs.
Frequently begin and end intimate relationships.
Feud with other famous people.
Make outrageous statements about other celebrities. Deny having made such statements. Retract your denial. Repeat.
Hire a publicist.
Be prepared to pay as much as $10,000 a month, with no guarantee of results.
Offer a quid pro quo.
Barter scandalous information about celebrities (they have cheated on a spouse or committed a string of crimes) with gossip columnists in exchange for placing your own name in the column.
INDEX
A
apartments
finding, 74
Manhattan studio costs, 62–63
roommates, 58–61
C
cockroach infestation, 38–43
Coney Island hot dog eating contest, 75–78
D
disasters and their solutions, 14–15
dog leash tangle, freeing yourself from, 32–35
dog poop removal, 48
doorman, sneaking past, 27–29
E
East River, swimming across, 10–13
events, traffic-snarling, 80–81
eviction, sneaking past doorman after, 27–29
G
garbage strike, 53
ghosts, 30–31
gossip columns, getting into, 87–89
group, walking through, 79
H
haunted places, 30–31
hot dog eating contest, 75–78
I
intersections, dangerous, 69
K
keys, retrieving from subway grate, 26
M
muggings, 54–56
museum fatigue, 66–68
N
New Year’s ball drop, 57, 80–81
nightclubs, getting into, 70–73
P
parades, 80–81
pedestrian accidents, 69
pigeon swarms, 44–47
R
rat bites, 49–52
roommates, 58–61
S
sample sales, 82–85
subway
characters and solutions, 86
escaping stalled car, 21–24
retrieving keys from grate, 26
worst lines, 25
swimming across East River, 10–13
R
taxicabs
hailing, 16–19
when to leave, 20