He shook his head, his blond curls tapping on the sides of his head, wishing him down from the bad dream he was stuck in. “I don’t know. I mean she’d have to be, right? She wouldn’t be able to climb out of there on her own.” He clapped his hands on either side of his head, and his whole body slumped. “Oh Jesus, Rosa, she probably drowned in ash.”
I stiffened, trying to hold my shaking bones together. All this grief would kill me. I had to find a way to put it aside so I could be strong.
He looked up at me, searching. “I just don’t get it. They didn’t want to destroy us, or the town. All they wanted was Deshi?”
The car park was hushed as the Survivors told their stories to the ones who had failed to get here in time. The occasional cry of someone’s name pierced the silence like a pointed needle. These were the names of the unburied bodies lying in the crater. These names left us wounded.
Alexei walked towards us with Hessa in his arms. The child had finally succumbed to sleep, though he still hiccupped leftover cries with eyes closed and body slack. I left Orry sitting on the rug and rushed to Alexei, embracing his skinny frame with Hessa cradled between us. He shuddered.
“I’m so sorry,” I managed.
Alexei looked at me, puzzled. “About what, dear?”
Joseph just shrugged. “About Apella,” I said, confused, my face contorted in a half-smile/half-frown.
“Apella? Apella is fine. She’ll return when she’s done taking care of her patients at the hospital.” Hope crept up like a slow wave, and then receded as I saw Joseph shaking his head in the background.
He placed a toy in front of Orry and stood, sliding his arm around my waist and whispering in my ear, “Let him be.” I struggled with opposing feelings. The warmth and electricity I felt with Joseph’s arm around me battled with sadness at watching Alexei go through this denial. The two existed in a weird equilibrium I didn’t really get. But I guess that was emotion; everything kind of squashed together, amplified and hard to separate. When time felt small, was there any point in separating desire, sadness, and grief?
Doing as Joseph asked, I let Alexei be. I stroked Hessa’s head and choked back tears, thinking of how much Deshi must be missing him right now. Alexei stayed for a few minutes but seemed eager to leave. I watched him scuttle back towards the entrance and pull up a chair beside it. He glanced at his watch and then stared at the door.
I turned inwards, put my cheek to Joseph’s chest, and let his steady heartbeat comfort me as I watched Alexei curiously. “What’s he doing?” I asked quietly, trying not to disturb the steady rhythm.
Joseph’s chest constricted and relaxed as he sighed. “He’s waiting for her.”
We ate a dinner of dried and packaged food salvaged from what I was told was once a ‘convenience store’. Uncooked dried noodles and little jellies that tasted like toilet cleaner smells. I had to laugh at the convenience of a store perch on the edge of bombsite, but few shared my humor.
We planned to head back to the settlement in two days. Just to make sure the soldiers had cleared out, and the site was safe. The Spiders and Survivors were well trained. They would hide if necessary. I told Joseph about Addy, and we thought we might try to convince Matthew to let us go back earlier, but he said no. I thought about going anyway, but the thought of facing that crater full of my comrades was enough to make me pause and listen for once.
We had two whole days to do nothing but worry, and although on the outside it seemed Joseph had forgiven me, I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure of a lot of things.
*****
We slept cradled in each other, Orry in my arms and me in Joseph’s. I tried to release some of the guilt and grief in little pieces. I waited for Joseph to fall asleep, and then I wept. Poor Orry’s head was soaked wet. I shuffled forward out of Josephs arm and put Orry in the capsule. It only just fit him now, but he was snug and not getting rained on. I returned and snuggled my back against Joseph’s chest. My heart filled with wonderment that I had made it back to him. His words bounced around in my head. I shouldn’t have gone without him. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone at all. The regret left a hollowness in an already cavernous space inside me.
It was dark save for a few candles in the corners, which barely illuminated three inches around them. I exhaled, restless, exhausted, but unable to sleep. Turning towards Joseph, I studied his shadow, listened to his breathing. I could just see the outline of his lips and leaned in, pressing mine to his softly. “I love you,” I whispered.
He stirred and, half asleep as he was, he responded, opening his mouth and kissing me strongly, his hand running under the back of my shirt. He pushed closer, and I let out a small moan. Then he opened his eyes.
He stopped abruptly. Fully awake now, he put distance between us and said, “Rosa, can we just…wait?”
My cheeks flushed. “Of course. I’m sorry,” I said, flustered.
“Don’t be sorry. Its just… there’s a lot going on. There’s a lot we need to talk about. This doesn’t seem right, right?”
I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I nodded.
He shifted his weight, put his elbow up, resting his head in his hand, and groaned. “Now I can’t sleep,” he said grumpily. “Tell me about what happened on your mission.”
I talked until he fell asleep, getting right up to the part when we were just about to climb the wall. Sleep crept up and placed a weight over my eyes. I uttered the words, “Hot plate or safe plate,” and yawned long and loud. I couldn’t remember what Careen called the plates that zapped the wolves, and I collapsed with exhaustion.
I awoke, blinking and disoriented. Something black and dull obscured my vision. I shuffled back, seeing a boot and then a long, thin leg attached. It tapped impatiently, like it was keeping time to some imaginary music. I thought of Gwen and bit my lip.
Pelo.
I elbowed Joseph in the ribs, and he started with a snort. He stretched his arms and wrapped them around my waist, pulling me towards him.
“Mr. Sulle,” Pelo said, drawing it out like a question.
Joseph registered the voice, released me, and scrambled backwards.
“Mr. Bianca?” He rubbed his eyes comically and blinked hard, trying to work out if he was still asleep or not. When he worked out he wasn’t dreaming, he jumped up, knocking me in the back with his knees, and went to shake Pelo’s hand. Pelo gave him a stern look, which quickly cracked into a smile, and he embraced Joseph like a long-lost son. I secretly released the little knot inside me that had twisted around the thought that Joseph knew about Pelo all along. The surprise on his face was genuine. I didn’t need to ask that horrible question of, “Have you been lying to me?” Joseph had not known Pelo was a Spider.
I sat on the floor, looking up them jealously like a child left out of some secret club. Orry started fussing, throwing his head around, and blinking. I pulled him out of the capsule and lifted him to my face to check his nappy.
Pelo’s shrewd eyes ran from Joseph’s broad grin to me holding Orry, and his hand clapped over his mouth. His head swung from Joseph to me, putting it all together. I waited impatiently as the sharp cogs rotated in Pelo’s brain. I felt like screaming at him, ‘Yes! This is our baby—Joseph’s and mine. What do you think of your little protégé now?’ but I bit my tongue.
Pelo’s examined Orry like a specimen and proclaimed, “He has my eyes!” His thin face was uncomfortably close to mine. I tipped my head sideways and observed the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, his dark hair going grey at the temples.