They both looked up to see what I was looking at, and as they did I scurried into the laundry. I could smell wet cement and my feet were cold from the water that had seeped in during the rain and chilled the concrete. I searched around for something to take out with me, so it looked as though I’d gone in there for a reason. I didn’t want them to be suspicious of me, for them to know I saw what I saw. There was nothing but junk and crates of Dad’s empty homebrew bottles, thin green ropes strung from the rafters to hang the washing from when it rained. I opened the lid of the washing machine and there was a damp wad of clothes in the bottom. They smelled dank. I peeled through them and went back outside, school dress bunched in my fists. Ian and Cassie waited until I was on the verandah before they started talking again. I went inside and stood behind the flyscreen. Cassie took a few steps towards the paddock. He rested his hands, his head on the fence. Ian stared at Cassie’s back and then got into his car.
An hour later Helena came over. I hadn’t seen Tilly all afternoon, and when Helena banged on the door, rattling the flyscreen, my stomach turned into a pond. I felt like I had water in my ears, an entire tub full. And then, suddenly, it was gone.
‘Is Tilly here?’ I heard Helena say from the verandah. There was something strange about her voice, like her throat had been scraped clean.
‘No,’ Mum said. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Shit,’ Helena said.
I went to the door, stood behind Mum.
‘Have you seen her?’ Helena said, noticing me.
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head.
‘Come in for a cuppa,’ said Mum, opening the door wider. ‘I’ve just boiled up.’
Helena ignored her. ‘Little shit,’ she said under her breath.
‘Did you have a blue or something?’ Mum asked.
‘She said she was staying at a school friend’s last night, but then she didn’t turn up at school today.’ Helena took a step back, looked over to the yellow house.
‘Come in for some tea,’ Mum said. ‘Calm your nerves.’
‘I’m going to go look for her,’ Helena said.
‘Colin can help,’ Mum said. ‘Or Cassie.’
‘She’s probably just at a different mate’s place,’ she said. ‘Forgot to tell me. She’s made all these new friends this year. It’s hard to keep up.’ She smiled. Her lips disappeared.
‘Well, let us know when you find her,’ Mum said.
I watched Helena walk down the steps, melt into the dark. I felt my guts lapping around my stomach. I stood on the other side of Cassie’s door, pressed my ear to the wood. There was no sound, just quiet.
The next morning I woke at sunrise. My jaw ached and there was a throbbing at the back of my head, like someone was hammering a nail there. I looked over at Wally and he was still asleep. A corner of the sheet was dried to a point from where he’d sucked it during the night. He looked peaceful, like a little lamb.
I went into the kitchen. Mum was at the table. ‘Is Tilly back?’ I asked.
‘No,’ Mum said. ‘Helena was out all night looking for her. Silly girl.’
‘Where do you think she is?’
Mum leaned over the sink, scooped tea-leaves from the drain. ‘Well, if she’s anything like her mother…’
I went onto the verandah and put on my boots. I didn’t want anyone to see me leave, so I ran to the gate and clambered over, didn’t bother opening it in case anyone heard the creak. I followed the track up the paddock. It rained during the night, so the tyre marks were gone and the ground squelched. I told myself I would just go and have a look, and either way I’d come home and not have to think about it again. Tilly would turn up and I wouldn’t say anything to Cassie. I would just worm it out of my brain so that everything could go back to how it was.
I followed the track for as long as I remembered walking yesterday, and then started looking for a part in the grass. Even though I knew no one was out here, I tried to be quiet just in case, not wanting to disturb the ground, not wanting to leave any trace of me having been there. I kept my eyes down and searched for the dent in the stalks. I slowed down and started to look more closely, but I knew I’d already walked much further than I had the day before. There was nothing but grass and dirt, more grass and dirt; nothing there that shouldn’t have been. I pulled off the ends of some of the stalks that had turned to seed. I blew on them and the seeds sailed into the air even though I couldn’t feel a breeze.
Dad was in the yard when I got back to the house. The gum tree that had fallen a few weeks back still lay across the yard. Dad looked up, saw me climb over the gate and head towards the verandah. I pretended I hadn’t seen him but he called out from across the yard.
‘What were you doing out there?’ He was on the other side of the tree. Branches poked out from the trunk and it was like we were speaking from opposite ends of a forest.
‘I just went for a walk,’ I said. I felt like I was telling a lie even though that really was what I’d been doing.
‘Righto,’ Dad said. He kneeled down and pulled out a handful of mulch from the bag at his feet. I stood on my tiptoes and peered over the truck. There were some baby trees, thin as whippets, planted in a row along the paddock fence. Dad worked the mulch around the base of the tree.
‘What are they for?’ I said.
‘Zigzag wattle,’ Dad said. ‘The council were giving them away for free.’
I kicked the gum’s grey trunk. ‘How tall will they grow?’
‘They most likely won’t,’ he said. ‘Earth here’s no good.’
‘Why are you bothering then?’
‘You’ve got to bother.’
I climbed over the gum’s trunk. ‘What are you going to do with this tree?’ I said.
‘What tree?’ he said.
‘Dad,’ I said. ‘This tree.’ I kicked it and a scroll of bark scuffed off.
‘That tree?’ Dad said. He stood up again and looked at the tree and then gave me a wink. The thick gardening gloves he wore were brown and furry and made it look as though he had giant bear paws. ‘Well, I don’t know,’ he said, like he’d never even thought about it. He didn’t seem worried about Tilly being missing, which made me feel better. But maybe he just didn’t care.
Wally and Cassie were watching TV inside. Wally was still in his pyjamas; his silky boxers were too big, and flapped around his scrawny thighs like parachutes. Cassie was in his work uniform, but had a big jumper over the top as though he was huddling into a blanket. They looked cosy together.
‘What are you watching?’ I said.
‘TV,’ Wally said.
‘Well, obviously.’
I sat on the carpet and picked at the wormy threads, plaiting some of them together. I heard Dad come inside. He went into the kitchen, rummaged through the fridge. When the ads came on Wally flicked through the channels for something else to watch. I turned to face Cassie.
‘I just went for a walk,’ I said.
‘Yeah?’ Cassie said.
‘Out in the paddock.’
Cassie didn’t say anything.
I turned around to face him. ‘I got pretty far.’