Cat had heard the story before. “I was sixteen when you found me, too. Remember? I blamed myself that my life was such a mess. You were the one who kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Well, what Samantha did to you wasn’t your fault, either.”
There was enough moonlight for her to see Serena slowly shaking her head, as if she still didn’t believe it.
“I stayed,” Serena said, sweeping the hair impatiently from her face as the wind gusted. “That was my choice. She needed me, so I stayed.”
“What she needed was more drugs. Samantha sold you. Blue Dog was her dealer, and she let him rape you over and over to keep herself in cocaine. How the hell does a mother do that to her daughter?”
Serena stared into the distance. “It was what Samantha wanted. That was the only thing that mattered to me. I was desperate to make her happy. She would sit in the corner of the bedroom and watch us, high as a mountain with those glazed eyes, and I would smile at her, because I wanted her to know everything was okay.”
Cat failed to keep the anger out of her voice. “Stop it, will you? I don’t want to hear shit like that. Blue Dog was a fucking animal. And I’m sorry, but so was Samantha. In fact, she was worse. You were a teenage girl getting abused over and over by the woman who was supposed to keep you safe. You don’t owe her a thing. Let her go. Let that bitch rest in hell.”
The dog heard their voices. It stopped, frozen, and then splashed through the surf and reared up to put its front paws on Serena’s stomach. Serena cupped the dog’s head between her hands. Cat realized, watching them, that there was something more intense in Serena’s affection for this dog than she was letting on. It was as if Serena were clinging to the Border collie for sanity, and if she let go of him, she would let go of herself, too.
“Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?” Cat asked.
“No.”
“Why not? It’s no trouble.”
“You don’t live here. You live in the dorm.”
“It’s only one night.”
Serena gave her a tired smile, as if someone had told a joke with a punch line that was more sad than funny.
“What is it?” Cat asked.
“You. You’re trying to take care of me.”
“So?”
“I guess that’s a tradition in my family,” Serena said. “Sooner or later, mother and daughter always trade places. Now it’s our turn.”
Stride arrived home late.
He found half a Sammy’s pizza on the dining-room table. Cat had already come and gone. He called Serena’s name, but she didn’t answer him. When he went to look for her, he found her in bed, lying atop the blanket in a T-shirt and shorts. She had the fresh, damp smell of the shower. A beautiful black-and-white Border collie lay asleep in the curve of her torso. When Stride came in, the dog opened one eye, wagged its tail briefly, and then fell asleep again.
Serena’s eyes were open, but she didn’t acknowledge him. Fully dressed, he climbed onto the bed beside her. The backs of their hands brushed together. They both stared at the ceiling.
“How was your first day?” she asked quietly.
“Disorienting. Energizing. Exhausting.”
“I’ve gotten a lot of calls. Everyone wants to know if you’re back for good. If you’re ready to be a cop again.”
“I don’t know the answer to that.”
Serena didn’t reply immediately, as if she were looking for the right words. “I think you made your decision when you walked through the door. Now it’s just a question of realizing that your mind is made up.”
“Maggie said the same thing. We’ll see.”
“And that’s all you’ve got to say?”
“What more is there?” Stride asked.
Serena exhaled with something like a hiss. “You’ve been struggling with this for months, but we haven’t talked about it. You talk to Cat. You talk to Maggie. Not me. I’m your wife.”
His hand nudged away from hers. “I know.”
“You love me, Jonny, but even after all this time, I’m not sure you trust me.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“Yes, I guess you could.”
He propped himself on one elbow. “What’s really going on with you?”
“I wish I knew.”
“Now look who’s keeping secrets,” he said.
“I’m not. I swear I’m not. I’m being honest. Losing Samantha is — it’s bringing up things I’ve never dealt with before. Things I didn’t even know I felt before. I was wrong to say I’m fine. I admit that. But I don’t know what I am.”
“How can I help?”
“I’m not sure you can. You have your struggle, I have mine. I have to deal with this on my own.”
He wanted to fight that idea. He wanted to tell her: No, you’re not alone. Your fight is my fight. But he didn’t. That wasn’t how they dealt with things. They avoided the hard stuff because it was easier to stay locked in their own worlds.
“I’ll give you space if that’s what you need,” he said.
She didn’t look surprised by his surrender. Her head turned; her green eyes stared at him. “I’m only going to ask you for one thing.”
“What’s that?”
He could see a strange battle going on behind her eyes. “Maggie told you about the dog, right? I’m sure she told you I stole him. I’m sure they keep calling about him.”
Stride nodded. “Yes. You’re right.”
“Don’t make me give him back,” she said fiercely.
“Serena—”
“I need more time with him. Don’t make me give him back. Not yet. Do whatever you have to do.”
“Why is this so important to you?” Stride asked.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you that. If I ask for something, that’s all you should need.”
“Okay. You’re right. I don’t need an explanation.”
Serena shook her head. “Liar.”
Stride felt as if she’d slapped him, but she wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t acting like the woman he knew. He didn’t understand what was happening to her, and he needed more than a leap of faith.
“Tell me,” he said. “What is it about this dog?”
“Blue Dog had a pit bull,” she murmured in reply.
“What?”
“A pit bull puppy. Elton. The dog was in the apartment when Samantha and I moved in. It hardly ever moved from the corner of the bedroom. If it barked, Blue Dog would kick it. If it whimpered, he’d burn it with cigarettes. Elton learned to stay in the corner and not move.”
Stride closed his eyes with a stab of grief. This was brand new. This was a story she’d locked away from him. He shook his head in dismay, feeling as if he and his wife were still strangers after all these years. All the things she’d told him about her past, and she’d left out the dog. She’d left out something that obviously still convulsed her with guilt.
“When it was just Elton and me in the apartment, I would talk to him,” she went on. “I would tell him that someday, we’d both run away. I’d leave, and I’d take him with me, and we’d be free. I swore to him that I would give him a better life and he’d never have to be afraid again.”
Serena rarely cried, but he watched tears begin to slip down her face like a river slowly escaping from the winter ice.
“But I left,” Serena said. “When I finally ran away to Las Vegas with Deidre, I didn’t take Elton with me. I left him there. I was supposed to save him, Jonny, and instead, I abandoned him. I left Elton to die with that son of a bitch.”
“Serena, you couldn’t go back to that apartment. It wasn’t safe. You had to get out of there.”
“I should have taken him with me,” she insisted.