‘My God, it’s almost worth while to suffer so frightfully to give such a performance.’
She had never put more of herself into a part.
One night a week or two later when she came into her dressing-room at the end of the play, exhausted by all the emotion she had displayed, but triumphant after innumerable curtain calls, she found Michael sitting there.
‘Hulloa? You haven’t been in front, have you?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you were in front two or three days ago.’
‘Yes, I’ve sat through the play for the last four nights.’
She started to undress. He got up from his chair and began to walk up and down. She gave him a glance and saw that he was frowning slightly.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘That’s what I want to know.’
She gave a start. The thought flashed through her mind that he had once more heard something about Tom.
‘Why the devil isn’t Evie here?’ she asked.
‘I told her to get out. I’ve got something to say to you, Julia. It’s no good your flying in a temper. You’ve just got to listen.’
A cold shiver ran down her spine.
‘Well, what is it?’
‘I heard something was up and I thought I’d better see for myself. At first I thought it was just an accident. That’s why I didn’t say anything till I was quite sure. What’s wrong with you, Julia?’
‘With me?’
‘Yes. Why are you giving such a lousy performance?’
‘Me?’ That was the last thing she expected to hear him say. She faced him with blazing eyes. ‘You damned fool, I’ve never acted better in my life.’
‘Nonsense. You’re acting like hell.’
Of course it was a relief that he was talking about her acting, but what he was saying was so ridiculous that, angry as she was, she had to laugh.
‘You blasted idiot, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Why, what I don’t know about acting isn’t worth knowing. Everything you know about it I’ve taught you. If you’re even a tolerable actor it’s due to me. After all, the proof of the pudding’s in the eating. D’you know how many curtain calls I got tonight? The play’s never gone better in all its run.’
‘I know all about that. The public are a lot of jackasses. If you yell and scream and throw yourself about you’ll always get a lot of damned fools to shout themselves silly. Just barnstorming, that’s what you’ve been doing the last four nights. It was false from beginning to end.’
‘False? But I felt every word of it.’
‘I don’t care what you felt, you weren’t acting it. Your performance was a mess. You were exaggerating; you were over-acting; you didn’t carry conviction for a moment. It was about as rotten a piece of ham acting as I’ve ever seen in my life.’
‘You bloody swine, how dare you talk to me like that? It’s you the ham.’
With her open hand she gave him a great swinging blow on the face. He smiled.
‘You can hit me, you can swear at me, you can yell your head off, but the fact remains that your acting’s gone all to hell. I’m not going to start rehearsing Nowadays with you acting like that.’
‘Find someone who can act the part better than lean then.’
‘Don’t be silly, Julia. I may not be a very good actor myself, I never thought I was, but I know good acting from bad. And what’s more there’s nothing about you I don’t know. I’m going to put up the notices on Saturday and then I want you to go abroad. We’ll make Nowadays our autumn production.’
The quiet, decisive way in which he spoke calmed her. It was true that when it came to acting Michael knew everything there was to know about her.
‘It is true that I’m acting badly?’
‘Rottenly.’
She thought it over. She knew exactly what had happened. She had let her emotion run away with her; she had been feeling, not acting. Again a cold shiver ran down her spine. This was serious. It was all very fine to have a broken heart, but if it was going to interfere with her acting… no, no, no. That was quite another pair of shoes. Her acting was more important than any love affair in the world.
‘I’ll try and pull myself together.’
‘It’s no good trying to force oneself. You’re tired out. It’s my fault, I ought to have insisted on your taking a holiday long ago. What you want is a good rest.’
‘What about the theatre?’
‘If I can’t let it, I’ll revive some play that I can play in. There’s Hearts are Trumps. You always hated your part in that.’
‘Everyone says the season’s going to be wonderful. You can’t expect much of a revival with me out of the cast; you won’t make a penny.’
‘I don’t care a hang about that. The only thing that matters is your health.’
‘Oh, Christ, don’t be so magnanimous,’ she cried. ‘I can’t bear it.’
Suddenly she burst into a storm of weeping.
‘Darling!’
He took her in his arms and sat her down on the sofa with himself beside her. She clung to him desperately.
‘You’re so good to me, Michael, and I hate myself. I’m a beast, I’m a slut, I’m just a bloody bitch. I’m rotten through and through.’
‘All that may be,’ he smiled, ‘but the fact remains that you’re a very great actress.’
‘I don’t know how you can have the patience you have with me. I’ve treated you foully. You’ve been too wonderful and I’ve sacrificed you heartlessly.’
‘Now, dear, don’t say a lot of things that you’ll regret later. I shall only bring them up against you another time.’
His tenderness melted her and she reproached herself bitterly because for years she found him so boring.
‘Thank God, I’ve got you. What should I do without you?’
‘You haven’t got to do without me.’ He held her close and though she sobbed still she began to feel comforted.
‘I’m sorry I was so beastly to you just now.’
‘Oh, my dear.’
‘Do you really think I’m a ham actress?’
‘Darling, Duse couldn’t hold a candle to you.’
‘Do you honestly think that? Give me your hanky. You never saw Sarah Bernhardt, did you?’
‘No, never.’
‘She ranted like the devil.’
They sat together for a little while, in silence, and Julia grew calmer in spirit. Her heart was filled with a great love for Michael.
‘You’re still the best-looking man in England,’ she murmured at last. ‘No one will ever persuade me to the contrary.’
She felt that he drew in his belly and thrust out his chin, and it seemed to her rather sweet and touching.
‘You’re quite right. I’m tired out. I feel low and miserable. I feel all empty inside. The only thing is to go away.’
23
AFTER Julia had made up her mind to that she was glad. The prospect of getting away from the misery that tormented her at once made it easier to bear. The notices were put up; Michael collected his cast for the revival and started rehearsals. It amused Julia to sit idly in a stall and watch the actress who had been engaged rehearse the part which she had played herself some years before. She had never lost the thrill it gave her when she first went on the stage to sit in the darkened playhouse, under dust-sheets, and see the characters grow in the actors’ hands. Merely to be inside a theatre rested her; nowhere was she so happy. Watching the rehearsals she was able to relax so that when at night she had her own performance to give she felt fresh. She realized that all Michael had said was true. She took hold of herself. Thrusting her private emotion into the background and thus getting the character under control, she managed once more to play with her accustomed virtuosity. Her acting ceased to be a means by which she gave release to her feelings and was again the manifestation of her creative instinct. She got a quiet exhilaration out of thus recovering mastery over her medium. It gave her a sense of power and of liberation.