It took her half an hour to check off everything from her list. She’d been careful to ensure she bought things that Merrick could eat—and should eat—with his strict training regimen. But she’d also incorporated a few treats. It wouldn’t hurt for him to indulge every once in awhile, and she wanted to pamper him and Cade every bit as much as they’d pampered her.
It may not seem like much, but she was determined to give something back to them.
Elle piled her groceries onto the checkout conveyor and then hurried to stand in front of the cashier. Her hand slid into her pocket for the debit card Merrick had given her, and she froze and then stared at all the items she’d chosen.
Her heart began to race, and dismay crowded her mind. She swallowed hard and then glanced nervously at the woman who was rapidly scanning the groceries.
No. Not now. Damn it. She couldn’t freak out and melt down now. Not when she was so close to victory. She could taste it. She was a few short moments away from driving back home, a huge hurdle in her recovery overcome.
She closed her eyes as despair swamped her. Despite her best efforts to push through the panic and fear, she utterly failed.
For just a moment, she’d allowed herself to believe she was a normal woman going to the grocery store to buy the fixings for all the yummy things she wanted to make Cade and Merrick. As a thank you. Just to do something more to pull her weight.
But she had no money. She didn’t even have identification if she was asked for it. Merrick had given her the pin number, stressing there wouldn’t be an issue as long as she didn’t use the credit option.
None of this was hers. She had no right to Merrick’s credit card. Or his money. Or to be here like she belonged.
Despair weighed down on her. And panic. What if she never remembered? She couldn’t depend on Cade and Merrick forever. Couldn’t expect them to support her and for her to continue on in her helpless frustration.
Her mouth had gone completely dry, and she withdrew her hand from her pocket just as the cashier scanned the last item.
“I’m really sorry,” Elle said in a low voice. “I’ve forgotten my wallet.”
She began backing away from the register as she spoke. A look of annoyance creased the cashier’s face. Then the cashier surveyed the groceries that the bagger was steadily working on.
“They’ll be in the cart if you want to run home and get it,” the cashier said. “We can’t wait long, or the refrigerated goods will go bad.”
Elle nodded and turned and all but ran from the store, hoping she hadn’t drawn too much attention to herself. She felt like the worst sort of idiot. It had seemed like such a good idea, a fun idea, to go out on her own. Take the plunge. Be brave.
The last months had been so wonderful. She’d made friends. She had a circle of people—Merrick’s and Cade’s people—who accepted her and she hung out with. But she’d still remained solidly dependent on Cade and Merrick, never going anywhere without one of them.
She’d wanted to do something normal, something brave and independent. Only she wasn’t normal. She had no way to pay for the items, and it felt wrong to pull out Merrick’s credit card and blithely pay for her whims.
The grocery store was close enough to walk and that had been her plan to walk the three blocks, but Cade and Merrick had flipped out over the suggestion.
They hadn’t wanted her to go alone at all, but they’d put their foot down when she’d mentioned walking. The mere idea of her being so exposed without their protection had broken both men out into a sweat, so she’d backed down quickly.
Cade insisted she use his SUV, and she’d balked at the idea of driving without a license or identification. Both men had said they’d rather chance her driving the three blocks than walking. Now she was glad they had because she just wanted to be back in the sanctuary of their house.
She liked being close to them. Today had been more of a test of herself than it was the idea that she was actually facing her fears and venturing out on her own. That’s the way she’d presented it to the men, but she’d known the truth. She’d been terrified but determined to force herself out of her comfort zone. Out of the isolation she’d existed in for the last six months.
Yes, she associated with the people in Cade and Merrick’s circle. Good people. But she still led a very isolated existence, and she knew it. She did nothing outside of Cade’s and Merrick’s interests. Nothing for herself. Nothing on her own.
The truth was, and she realized it more than ever, that she didn’t want to go anywhere without them. Cade and Merrick had not just become parts of her life. They’d become the most important aspect of her existence.
She depended on them for everything. Even if it was just a comforting smile and the assurance that she’d always have a place with them.
That part always baffled her, but they were absolutely sincere. In fact, they’d settled into a comfortable existence that she took for granted more with each passing day.
It had been an alarming realization just the day before that she found herself hoping that she didn’t have to deal with her past and any possible issues it could present. She was happy and content with Cade and Merrick. In the present. Today. Now.
She was hopelessly in denial, but she didn’t want to correct the problem. She found refuge in denial. If she didn’t think about it, it didn’t exist, and it couldn’t hurt her.
She had to temper the urge to put her foot down on the accelerator. Instead she eased out of the parking lot, being supremely cautious. Sweat rolled down her neck when a patrol car passed in front of her and turned right at the next street.
Her hands grew clammy, and panic rose sharply. She tried to keep her breathing measured and then accelerated past the side street and focused on getting home.
Home.
It was what she considered Cade and Merrick’s house.
Her home.
She didn’t want to be anywhere else.
No matter where she traveled to with Cade and Merrick for Merrick’s fights or training, she considered their little house in their quiet little subdivision home, and it was where she felt the safest.
A few minutes later, she pulled into the driveway and hurriedly got out of the SUV. She rushed for the front door, so happy to be back where she felt secure that she was nearly giddy with relief.
When she entered through the kitchen, both men turned around from where they were sitting at the table. Their gazes found her instantly, and then they both frowned.
“What’s wrong?” Merrick asked sharply.
“Where are the groceries?” Cade asked. “Do you need us to bring them in?”
She shook her head mutely, and the crush of her stupidity hit her full on. She was embarrassed over her panic attack. Now that she was back in her sanctuary, all the fear faded, and calm descended.
Merrick rose and walked toward her, concern burning in his eyes.
“Elle, baby, what happened?”
She pulled out his card and thrust it in his direction.
“I’m an idiot. I was fine. I picked out all these goodies and meats and had plans to make certain meals. It was something I wanted to do for the both of you. And then when I got to the checkout, I realized that I had no right to spend all that money. Money that isn’t mine. I don’t even know who I am. I have no ID. And I’m there using your card like I have the right, and I just felt so ashamed.”
A curse blew past Merrick’s lips. He closed his hand over hers but didn’t take the card. In the background, Cade rose and walked over to where Elle and Merrick stood. His expression wasn’t any happier than Merrick’s.