“I don’t know,” she said helplessly. “I don’t remember anything except waking up outside in the rain when Merrick shook me.”
“Were you having a bad dream?” Merrick asked. “Think about it. Try to remember.”
She frowned, her lips pursing in concentration. “I remember a badge. And bright sunlight. It glinted in the sun.”
She broke off abruptly, her hand going to her forehead. Her fingers shook badly as she rubbed over her eye.
“Elle?” Cade asked gently. “What is it? What do you remember?”
Her hand slowly dropped, delving below the blanket to touch her hip through the sweats she was wearing.
“I remember the badge digging into my hip while he…”
Her voice broke off in a sob, and her hands flew to her face to stifle the escaping sound.
She hated the feeling of helplessness that assaulted her the moment she thought back on that awful dream—the awful memory. It wasn’t a dream. It had really happened. To her. She’d been violated. Held down, helpless, while a man forced himself on her. Had hated her. Had every intention of killing her. He’d tried to kill her. He’d shot her.
What could she have done to inspire such animosity? She couldn’t fathom that kind of hatred. Couldn’t imagine having done anything to deserve something that awful. But what woman did? No one deserved to be raped. It wasn’t a woman’s fault. There was no excuse for a man to violate a woman, no matter how angry he was. No matter what the perceived sin of the woman.
Logically she knew that, and yet she still couldn’t wrap her mind around it all. There had to be a reason, didn’t there? But no. Women were raped all the time for no other reason than a man wanted to exert his power, that he wanted to degrade and punish her.
The fault wasn’t with her. She knew that. And yet she couldn’t get past the idea that she’d done something to warrant a man raping and trying to kill her.
Cade slid his hand around her nape and pulled her head to his chest. She shook violently against him, and she heard the low curses from both Cade and Merrick. She heard the worry in their voices, and the anger. Not at her. But at what had happened to her and the grip her past still had on her even though she couldn’t remember it.
“It’s okay, honey. You’re with us. It’s okay to remember. He can’t hurt you now. Talk it out if you want. We’re here. We’ll listen.”
“I don’t want to remember,” she said, her voice muffled by Cade’s shirt.
Merrick sighed, his heart softening at the vulnerability in her voice. He ran his finger up her bare arm and rubbed his knuckle back down in a soothing manner.
“I don’t claim to understand what you’ve been through, baby. I won’t insult you by saying I do. But I do understand why you don’t want to remember. I get that. But I also know that this is like a festering wound, and it’s not going to go away. At some point, we have to face it. Together. And you need to know that Cade and I are going to be here to help you in any way we can.”
She picked up her head and met his gaze, her eyes burning with emotion.
“I think…” She licked her lips nervously and glanced back at Cade before returning once more to Merrick. She seemed to be waging a horrific war with herself, not just over the dreams and memories that tormented her, but over the here and now and about what she was about to say. “That is, I’m pretty sure I love you both. And I’ve battled with myself until I’m exhausted over it. I keep thinking that I can’t love you. That I can’t love two people. That the very last thing I can offer someone in my current emotional state is love. I keep questioning whether my feelings are real or whether they’re the result of you saving me and taking me in. But they feel real. I want them to be real.”
Merrick was momentarily struck speechless. Cade was no less affected by the sudden declaration.
She looked distressed as she continued on. Not at all like a woman should look when she’d just confessed her love for a man. She was clearly nervous and unsettled and seemingly anxious to get her point across before they could respond.
The words tumbled out of her mouth, so fast he could barely keep up.
“And I know you’re wondering what that has to do with what happened tonight or, well, anything, but it has everything to do with it, because I don’t want to remember my past because I’m terrified that it could come between me and the two of you. It’s a fear I live with every single day.”
When she would have continued on, Cade took her hand, engulfing it in his much larger grasp. “Elle, I don’t give a shit about your past other than the fact that it’s a source of pain and emotional stress for you.”
Merrick was still reeling from the powerful words she’d uttered. He couldn’t seem to get his mouth to work, and he couldn’t afford to screw this up. He had to get this right.
“Elle.”
Her name came out barely a whisper, and he had to clear his throat so he didn’t croak the rest of the words.
The weight of emotion in her gaze took his breath away. She looked…scared. As if she’d taken the biggest risk of her life by blurting out those words.
Viewed from her eyes, it had to be terrifying to lay so much on the line when she had no past, nowhere to go, no one but him and Cade to rely on.
In the end, there was no deep, drawn-out explanation. There was nothing to say to her but the utter truth in all its simplicity.
“Ahh, baby, I love you too,” he said hoarsely.
He framed her face in his hands, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over her cheekbones. The relief was crushing in her eyes. Her entire body sagged, and then she turned her mouth into his hand to press a kiss to his palm.
“Do you mean it?” she whispered.
He could barely form the words. He was too shaken by the emotion welling in his chest. When had he ever felt so much for another person? It was a completely new experience for him. Nothing had prepared him for this. It undid him. He was tough. Strong. A mixed martial arts fighter. He could take apart a man in the ring without remorse. He could lock his emotions away until they were encased in stone. But this slip of a woman unraveled him as no other person had ever even come close to.
“I love you,” he said more firmly, knowing he owed her conviction. “I think I fell hard on my ass for you the very first time I laid eyes on you.”
She glanced nervously at Cade, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she took in his reaction to the scene unfolding.
Cade stroked her hair with one hand. Then his gaze met Merrick’s, and there was determination there.
“We’re okay with this, Elle,” Cade said in a firm but gentle voice. “This isn’t something we’ve approached lightly. I don’t want you to ever think we did. You’re important to us both. You mean everything to us. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around us for fear of pissing one of us off because you think you left one of us out.”
She reached for Cade’s hand, pulling it to her mouth to kiss the inside as she’d done to Merrick.
“I love you.”
Cade’s eyes softened. He seemed to melt right there on the couch. He cupped her face and leaned in, angling his mouth over hers to apply gentle pressure with his lips.
“I love you too, sweetheart. We’re going to get through this. I promise.”
Her eyes glittered with unshed tears, and Merrick could tell she was battling for control.
“I don’t know what to do,” she choked out. “I don’t know how to fix me. I wish I did.”
“Shhh,” Cade said as he kissed her again. “I’m going to call Dallas and see what he has to say. He may can offer insight or at least address the sleep issue.”