Finally she knew the cost. She was paying it.
Even though she had tumbled right back out of love with him on that same long-ago evening.
Except that some of her fascination with him had lingered on into this year, and she had given in to it and so sealed her doom.
Even today…
Even now…
She turned her head and found him smiling at her as he led her forward to the communion rail.
Ah, even now she found him more attractive than any other man she had ever known. And handsome too, of course. He looked plain… gorgeous in his wedding clothes. And he was her husband.
She should be the happiest woman in the world.
She remembered all the people sitting in the pews behind them-looking at them. Including her family. Whom she loved. Who loved her.
She smiled back at him.
Not long after, it seemed, the communion service was over, the register had been signed, and they were on their way out of the church, her arm drawn through his, the organ playing a triumphant anthem, everyone nodding and smiling-or simply looking. And she smiled and smiled. So did he.
As they reached the outer doors and stepped out through them, Katherine became aware that the church bells were pealing joyfully and that a crowd of the curious had gathered about the open barouche that awaited them on the square. Someone set up a halfhearted cheer, and other voices joined it.
Despite herself she felt a welling of… something. Not joy exactly. But something. Some sense of completion. Perhaps relief that it was finally done and there could be no further temptation to call everything off and run away.
Lord Montford hurried her in the direction of the carriage and handed her inside before joining her there and giving the coachman the signal to start just as the congregation began to spill out through the church doors.
The crowd parted to let the horses and barouche through.
It had been a cloudy morning. It had looked as if it might rain at any minute. But at some time while they were inside the church, the clouds had moved off and the sun was beaming down on them from a clear blue sky. The air was warm without being oppressively hot.
It was a perfect summer day.
A perfect day for a wedding.
He was sitting across the corner of the seat beside her, looking at her, his eyes half closed, his mouth half smiling.
“Well, Katherine,” he said softly.
She looked back at him-at her new husband.
“Well, Jasper,” she said.
It was the first time she had spoken his name even though he had invited her to do so all of one month ago.
The half-smile became a full one.
“Lady Montford,” he said.
“Yes.”
They could choose not to be miserable, he had said on that same occasion one month ago. Had he also phrased the idea in a more positive way? She could not remember. Could they choose to be happy?
Was it possible? Was Nessie right?
But even if it was possible, they would both have to commit themselves to the choice, would they not? What if she chose to be happy, and he chose to carry on with his life just as if nothing had changed?
“I suppose,” he said, “we had better reassure our families, had we not? Not to mention everyone else who has remained in town just for this.”
And even as she looked inquiringly at him and felt the barouche jolt into motion, he moved away from the corner in order to lean across her and set his lips to hers.
She jerked back her head, realized what he had said, and… smiled dazzlingly at him.
“But of course,” she said, and touched a hand to his shoulder as she raised her mouth to his again.
As he kissed her, his lips slightly parted, his mouth warm and moist and knee-weakeningly sensual, she could hear applause and laughter and a few whistles and more cheering mingled with the sound of the church bells.
All the sounds of a wedding.
All the sounds of happiness.
It had been a very crowded and a very grand wedding breakfast indeed. Jasper did not believe he had smiled so much before in his life. It had really been quite wearying. Katherine had smiled without ceasing too.
The happy bride and groom.
But finally they had extricated themselves. He wanted to get as far as Reading tonight. They had bidden their farewells to guests, hugged and kissed their family members, dealt with tears-Charlotte had cried all over them both even though she would be joining them at Cedarhurst in just a couple of weeks’ time. In the meanwhile she was going to stay at Warren Hall with Miss Huxtable, whom she insisted upon calling her sister.
The farewells had all been said. The smiles had all been smiled, the tears all shed. They had just left London behind.
Jasper settled himself more comfortably in his traveling carriage and looked at his wife beside him. She was quietly gazing out through the window on her other side. She was still wearing both her bonnet and her gloves, though different ones from this morning. She had changed into traveling clothes before leaving. Her hands were set quietly one atop the other in her lap. She looked relaxed.
A little too relaxed.
He wondered if she was looking forward to the coming night.
Their wedding night.
There were compensations for some of life’s unpleasant experiences.
He reached out and took one of her hands in his. He peeled off her glove, one finger at a time, and tossed it onto the seat opposite to join his hat. He set her hand palm-down on top of his. It was slender and pale-skinned and warm. Her palm was smaller than his, her fingers not quite as long.
She did not move it though she had turned her head to look down at it.
He eased his fingers between hers and moved their clasped hands to rest on his thigh.
She did not resist. Neither did she cooperate.
Of course she was not looking forward to tonight. Marriage was not about sex to her, was it? She had said so the day he proposed to her. Women were funny that way, and Katherine seemed funnier than most. She dreamed of love and hearts of hearts and souls of souls.
She was like an alien creature.
She was also, dash it all, his wife.
And she had admitted that she wanted him.
He hated the remorse he always felt in relation to her. He was not a man given to guilt and conscience. He was who he was, he did what he did, and anyone who did not like it-or him-could go hang for all he cared.
But on one infamous occasion several years ago he had crossed an invisible but very real line from recklessness into depravity, and though he had crossed back over that line before irreparable harm had been done, nevertheless… Well, irreparable harm had been done anyway. The fact that they were sitting here in this carriage together, man and wife, but without a word to say to each other, was proof enough.
And he would, he supposed, have to carry remorse with him to the grave. Not remorse for himself, for the fact that he had been forced to take on a leg shackle today. That he could and would live with. He was a gentleman, after all, and he had always known that sooner or later he must marry and produce an heir.
But the point was that she had taken on a leg shackle too today. And for that fact he would always feel guilty. For it really was a shackle. She would not have chosen him in a million years if she had been given a free choice. Sexual desire alone was not enough for idealistic, romantic ladies like Katherine Huxtable-or, rather, Katherine Finley, Baroness Montford.
He almost hated her.
A fact that made him feel even more guilty.
He wanted his wedding night, nonetheless. He could scarcely wait for Reading and their hotel room and the consummation of their marriage. He had come to realize lately that slim, curvaceous ladies were far more to his taste than more obviously voluptuous ones.
And these thoughts brought with them more guilt again. He ought not to be thinking of his own sexual pleasures but of how he could make her happy.