“How many hours do you work a week?”
“Forty.” He spoke before thinking.
“Forty hours aren’t more than average, Jack. Why is it you feel that you can’t cope with these?”
Jack’s face flushed.
“It’s OK to feel that way, Jack. Perhaps we can get to the root of why work is bothering you, if it is indeed work that is bothering you…”
Dr. Burton continued talking while Jack tuned out and looked around the room for signs of Sandy, as if she would have scribbled her name across the wall before she left. Jack realized Dr. Burton was staring at him in silence.
“Yes, I think that’s it,” Jack said, nodding, and looked at his hands, hoping he had said something suitable.
“And what’s her name?”
“Whose name?”
“Your partner, the person at home you’re having difficulties with?”
“Oh, Gloria,” he said, thoughts switching to her at home and how delighted she was that he was here today, spilling his heart out, when in the reality he wasn’t even listening. The more he thought about it, the angrier he began to feel inside.
“Do you talk to her about your feelings of stress and pressure?”
“Oh, no.” Jack laughed. “I don’t talk to Gloria about that kind of thing.”
“Why not?”
“Because she always has an answer, she always has a way to fix me.”
“You don’t want that?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t need to be fixed.”
“What needs to be fixed?”
He shrugged, not wanting to be dragged into this discussion.
Dr. Burton left a long silence and Jack felt the pressure of having to fill it. “It’s what’s going on around us that needs to be fixed,” he finally answered.
Dr. Burton waited for more.
“And…” He stalled a bit, then said, “So that’s what I’m trying to do.”
“You’re trying to fix what’s going on around you,” he repeated.
“That’s what I just said.”
“And Gloria’s not happy with this.”
Dr. Burton was being paid an extortionate amount of money for this, Jack thought incredulously. “No.” He shook his head. “She thinks I should move on and forget about everything.” He hadn’t actually meant to say any of that, but it hadn’t hurt and he still hadn’t given anything away.
“What does she want you to forget about?”
“Donal,” Jack said slowly, not sure whether to continue or not. Maybe if he explained, Dr. Burton would agree with him and he would finally have someone on his side. “The rest of the family are the same. They want to forget him, let him go, leave him behind. Well, I don’t think like that, you know? He’s my brother. Gloria looks at me like I’m crazy when I try to explain.”
“Did your brother Donal pass away?”
“No, he didn’t,” Jack said, as though that was ludicrous, “but you would think he had. He’s only missing. Only.” He laughed angrily, rubbing his face tiredly. “I sometimes think it would be easier if I knew he was dead.”
There was a silence and Jack felt the need to fill it again. He thumped his fist against his hand with every point he delivered. “He went missing last year on the night of his twenty-fourth birthday.” Thump. “He took cash out of the ATM on O’Connell Street at three-oh-eight A.M. on Friday night.” Thump. “He was seen on Arthur’s Quay at three thirty A.M.” Thump. “And after that no one saw him again. How can you let that go?” he asked. “How can you decide to keep on living life when your brother is somewhere out there and you don’t know where he is or if he’s hurt and needs you? How the hell is everything supposed to become normal?” He became angry now. “How does anybody expect you to be bothered to do forty hours of pointless work a week, putting cargo on a ship? Boxes I don’t even know what’s in them, and send them to places I’ve never been and never will be in. Why is that more important than finding my brother? How can you not look around you in all directions, trying to find him every time you’re outside? Why is it everywhere I go and everyone I ask that I’m met with the same answers?”
His voice raised even louder now. “Nobody saw anything, nobody heard anything, nobody knows anything. There are five million people in this country, there are one hundred and seventy-five thousand of them living in Limerick, fifty-five thousand of whom are living in Limerick city. How the hell didn’t somebody, even one person, see my brother, somewhere?” He stopped shouting now, out of breath, his throat sore and his eyes full of tears he was adamant he wouldn’t let fall.
Dr. Burton allowed the silence to lengthen. He allowed Jack to gather himself and his thoughts and ponder all that he had blurted out. He went to the water cooler and returned with a plastic cup for Jack.
Jack sipped the water and thought aloud: “She sleeps a lot you see. The times when I need her, she’s asleep.”
“Gloria?”
Jack nodded.
“Do you have difficulty sleeping?”
“I’ve so much going on in my head, I’ve so many papers to look through and reports to go over. Things people said go through my head over and over again, and I just can’t switch off. I have to find him. It’s like an addiction. It eats away at me.”
Dr. Burton nodded understandingly. Not in a patronizing way that Jack had thought would be the case, but as if he had a real understanding. It was as though Jack’s problem was now their problem, and it was time for them to figure it out together.
“You’re not the only person that feels like this and lives like this, you know, Jack. This is exactly the kind of behavior expected after a trauma such as yours. Were you advised to speak to a counselor after your brother’s disappearance?”
Jack crossed his arms. “Yeah, the guards mentioned something, and every day leaflets and fliers landed on my hall floor about joining groups of other ‘sufferers,’ they called them.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Not interested.”
“It’s not just a waste of time you know. You would realize that there are many people in your position suffering from the same effects of losing someone”-and he said more to himself-“or even suffering from losing things.”
Jack looked at Dr. Burton with confusion, “No, no, you’ve got me wrong, I can deal with losing things, absolutely fine, it’s missing family members that I’ve the problem with. My siblings have lost a brother too, and not one of them feels the way I do. I can’t imagine anything worse than sitting in a group and having the same conversations as I do at home.”
“Gloria seems supportive of you. You should appreciate that. I’m sure it’s been difficult for her to lose Donal, but remember not only has she lost him, she’s lost you. too. Show that you appreciate her. I’m sure that would mean a lot to her.” Real emotion slipped into Dr. Burton’s voice and he stood up and walked over to the other side of the room to get himself a cup of water. When he came back, he was back to his cool self. “Do you love her?”
Jack was silent, then shrugged. He didn’t know anymore.
“My mother used to say listen to what your heart tells you.” Dr. Burton laughed, lightening the mood.
“Was she a psychiatrist. too?” Jack smiled.
“As good as.” Dr. Burton laughed. “You know, you remind me of someone, Jack, someone I know very well.” He smiled lightly, sadly, and then returned to his former self. “So what are you going to do?” He checked his watch. “Bearing in mind we only have a few minutes left to tell me.”
“I’ve already started to do something about it.” Jack suddenly remembered why he was here and saw a way in.
“Talk to me.” Dr. Burton leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs.