Disgusting, it called me. Pathetic. Weak.
I’d listened to it, agreed with it and pulled away from Aly like a man coming back from a fantasy he had no business enjoying. After that, I could not touch her. Oh, I still wasn’t immune to her body, to that soft, soft skin, but something was happening to me that I couldn’t explain, have never been able to explain. I’d spent years so tied up in guilt that my body had forgotten what it was to want. Now it had reacted to the dancer. It had reacted to Aly and behind all that need and lust and want, came the crushing weight of knowing that I had no right to feel that way around either of them.
I didn’t see a way clear of any of it.
The shower didn’t help. If anything, I felt worse, especially when I spotted Trent heading toward me as I dried off and got dressed. Luckily, Ronnie stopped him and I was able to make an escape before Trent could pester me anymore.
It was cold for October and there were orange and yellow leaves littering the sidewalk and along the entrance to the team parking lot. This time of year reminded me of chilly fall days in Nashville as a kid when Mom and I carved pumpkins that always ended up with haggard smiles and too large, jagged teeth.
It also reminded me of Emily’s red hair and that Halloween we snuck away from the tour group at the pumpkin patch maze and we kissed until the sky was dark and Tristian and Emily’s friend Becca were shouting that the patch was closing.
The memory of that maze and Emily’s flushed, pale skin kept my mind distracted so I didn’t notice Aly sitting on the hood of my Mustang until I was a good ten feet from her.
“Hey…hi…. Ransom…” Aly’s tone was light, but I could hear the tiny tremor in it. She wore a pair of dark, fitted jeans and a burgundy cardigan with a multi-colored scarf around her neck. She was bright and vivid, the colors so warm they reminded me of the leaves I’d just crunched under my foot. But what had me gawking at her like a jackass was all that long, wavy hair that fell way past her shoulders. Her hair was glorious and I damn near couldn’t control myself seeing it falling so freely like that. The effect of it not being tightly combed against her scalp was dramatic.
Once again that weird feeling came back to me that I had experienced this before; I just couldn’t shake the sense that the studio and Sunday lunches at my folk’s place weren’t the only places I’d spent time with her.
“Hey,” I said, starting toward her. I couldn’t keep the goofy grin off my face, and had to shove my hands in the pockets of my hoodie to keep from reaching out to touch her.
“I…um…modi.” She closed her eyes, muttering under her breath as though she needed a second to self-lecture, then she grinned at me. “I wanted to talk to you for a second.”
“Yeah, sure.” I looked toward the car and nodded. “Hop in. It’s getting chilly out here.”
She hesitated for just a moment, then stepped back when I opened the door for her. I could sense how wary she was, not nervous, exactly, but definitely a little put off. Maybe it was because we were seeing each other outside of the lake house or the studio. Maybe it was just that she didn’t know what to think since this was the first time we’d spoken since I’d kissed her. I thought about asking her why she hadn’t returned my brief, apologetic texts, but decided I didn’t want to make her even more skittish. She was already on guard, folding her fingers together with her thumbs tapping.
I got in the driver’s side, then turned to her. “Aly, listen, I’m sorry about the other night.” One hand stayed in my lap, the other on the door as I leaned against it. I shot for cool and relaxed, and Aly, it seemed, tried for distraction. Her thumbs kept tapping. We were like two fourteen-year-olds shoved in the closet for Seven Minutes In Heaven, completely clueless as to what to do. “I didn’t mean…”
“Me zanmi, Ransom, stop.” Aly kept her face forward, gaze staring out past the dashboard. “I didn’t come here to talk about you kissing me.”
Her face was impassive. Though her words came out clipped, I didn’t think she was angry. I had no idea why that bothered me. “Okay. So why did you come here?” Her hair was so long, one wave brushed past her elbow and fell against the empty seatbelt. It took effort not to touch it.
“I love your family.” My gaze slipped up to meet hers, but I didn’t speak, struck silent by her confession. “A month in and I’m completely stupid over your folks and Koa.”
That tightness pulling the muscles around my mouth lessened and I nodded, understanding what she meant. “They’re easy to love.”
She agreed, moving her head once. “And, well… I get that the dance, the music, um, sometimes all that sensation can be overwhelming.”
In the back of my mind, could hear the voice whispering awful things, terrible things, about Aly and her intentions. Things I knew were not true. She wasn’t scheming. She didn’t have agendas and wasn’t a gold-digger. When that voice grew louder, I blocked it out by staring at Aly’s mouth and tried to concentrate on what she was saying.
“I love reading to Koa because he’s so young he doesn’t know doing character voices isn’t cool.” She hadn’t stopped tapping her thumbs together and looked down at them like she needed something other than my stare to focus on. “I like listening to Kona talk about CPU when your parents were kids there and all the stupid shit he pulled his first season in the league.” A small smile then and I leaned back, not thinking about why my gaze wouldn’t move away from all those long waves. “I love hearing Keira play her guitar or talk about the places she’s seen, the people she’s met and how at the end of the day none of that is as fascinating to her as watching Koa sleep or hearing you laugh.”
Aly turned her head to look at me. She wore pale pink lipstick and that bottom lip gleamed against the console light.
“The thing is, I wouldn’t want anything to screw this up.”
“What would?”
She ignored me then, looking out of the window until I reached over with one hand and stopped her thumbs from tapping, forcing her to glance back at me. “I like you.” She moved closer and I didn’t take my hand from her thumbs. “I like that you’re so willing to help me out and how you see that the audition, the dance, are so important to me. But it’s not just me, I know. You help your parents, and Leann and Tristian–hell, I know you’d do anything for him. And I…”
I couldn’t resist any longer. I reached up and threaded a finger through one of the loose waves of her hair. Aly immediately stopped talking.
“And you don’t want anything to screw that up.” Her chin moved down and she settled back into the seat, eyes lowering again as I watched a few strands fall against my palm. “You think me kissing you would be what, exactly?”
“Um…a…a start to all the good getting screwed up.” I barely made out her words and wasn’t conscious of her hesitation. I only knew that those pink lips were wet, that the thick, soft hair between my fingers felt like silk and Aly smelled like something so delicious that my mouth watered.
We both unconsciously leaned in as though some invisible line pulled us closer and closer together. I was almost at her mouth, had my hand on her face, could feel the warmth of her small breaths that smelled like mint. I wanted to nibble on that bottom lip just to see if it tasted as good as it looked.
“We… me zanmi you smell good, but…we have to be friends.”
“Friends?” That yellow caution light went up and I didn’t even tap my breaks. Hell, I’ve always been a “yellow light, go faster” kind of driver. “You want to be my friend, Aly?” She made a noise that could’ve have been a no, probably was a yes. Then her breath got faster and I didn’t take my hand from her face. “Just my friend?”
“Yea…”
Then I kissed my friend Aly right on the mouth, not stopping to think about it, having no control over my body as my teeth smoothed across her bottom lip. And when that small, soft tongue slipped against my lips, I released a sigh, all desperate and hungry, that I hadn’t expected. Right then, I forgot about guilt and shame and the fact that Aly was supposed to be someone I knew, not someone I wanted. I guided her face up, loving how she tasted like peppermint and felt like cotton candy.