He sang the Beatles’ "All You Need Is Love" in the shower.
I stepped toward the bathroom. Open the door, slip inside, and then stick him with the needle through the shower curtain….
The doorbell rang, and I froze in the hallway, wondering if he’d heard it, too. After five seconds, the shower cut off, and I heard the plop of wet feet on tile and cloth rubbing frantically over skin. I ran down the hallway, then into the bedroom on the right. Because there were clothes strewn all over the floor, I assumed this was his room. To my right, a dormer window overlooked Jennings Road and, beyond it, the snowy Adirondacks. Pillows filled the alcove, and I couldn’t help thinking that Orson must spend a great deal of time reading in that dormer nook.
A roomy walk-in closet opened to my left, and I darted inside as the bathroom door opened. The doorbell rang again, and Orson shouted, "I told you to just come in!" as he rushed down the staircase.
I did not hear him answer the door. Jostling my way between hangers of mothball-stinking suits and stiff sweaters, I finally ducked down in the farthest corner of the dark closet.
After a moment, Orson came back up the stairs and entered his room. I saw him briefly through the hangers — naked, stepping into a pair of boxer shorts and blue jeans, still conjoined on the floor, just as he’d left them. He stood shirtless in front of a full-length mirror, combing his wet hair, grown out now from the crew cut he’d sported in the desert. Grinning at himself, he bared his teeth, mouthing words into the mirror, none of which I could understand. It was the first good look I’d had of my brother, and I drank it in.
Still in marvelous physical condition, his appearance was more civilized and handsome than in the desert. He radiated charisma, and his eyes sparkled.
"Pour yourself a glass of wine!" he yelled. "There’s a pinot noir in the wine rack!"
Orson opened a dresser drawer and perused it for a moment, finally lifting out a gray box cutter. He exposed the razor, a small blade that obtruded no more than an inch from its metal sheath. Fingering the edge with his thumb, he smiled at himself again in the mirror.
"You behave." He giggled. "You behave tonight."
"Dave?"
Orson spun around. "Arlene. You scared me."
Her voice came from the top of the stairs. "Where’s the wine rack?"
"Kitchen counter." He held the box cutter behind his back. From my angle, I could see it in the mirror as he fidgeted with it, pushing the blade in and out. "Oh, Arlene. Put on some music, will you? Miles Davis, if you don’t mind."
Retracting the blade, he slipped the box cutter into his back pocket, and continued to primp.
Through the dormer window, the last strands of sunlight receded behind the Adirondacks. It was tempting to hide in that closet for the entire night, cloistered safely behind hangers, between smelly old garments. But I steeled myself, pushed my way through the clothes, and stumbled at last out of his closet.
Their voices rose to the second floor. I heard my brother laugh, and the tinkle of silverware on china. It’d taken me an hour to summon the nerve to walk out of the closet. Thank God they’re still eating. It suddenly occurred to me: The broken glass. Please don’t go into the sunroom.
Since I had his room temporarily to myself, I took the opportunity to check the dresser, the bookshelves, and the closet for the pictures and videos of the desert. I found nothing, however, to substantiate his hobby, not even a journal. In fact, the only item in his bedroom that reflected in a small way Orson’s taste for violence was an enormous William Blake print hanging on the wall across from his bed — The Simoniac Pope, a pen and watercolor hellscape of Pope Nicholas III in a vat of flames, the soles of his feet on fire. I knew this work. It was an illustration of Hell, Canto 19 from Dante’s Divine Comedy. Those who didn’t know him might be perplexed at Orson’s morbid choice of wall decor.
I walked down the hallway and entered the guest room. It was impersonal, filled with ill-matched, eclectic furniture. The closet was empty, as were the two drawers of the bedside table. I doubted if anyone had ever slept in the single bed.
Slinking back into the hallway, I turned and went down several steps. Orson spoke softly in the dining room. Chairs moved, and I heard footsteps heading toward the foyer. I retraced my steps, and when their footsteps continued in my direction, I clawed my way up the staircase, raced back down the hallway, and hid again in his closet.
They entered the room and fell together onto his bed. I heard Orson say, "I like you a lot."
"I like you, too."
"Yeah?"
"I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t." Arlene sounded as if she was about thirty, and though her voice was throaty, it retained a sliver of girlish innocence. I knew why Orson liked her. The lamp on his bedside table cut off. They kissed for a while in the darkness, and the intimate slurping reminded me of Friday nights, in high school.
"What would you think about me doing this?" he asked.
"Ooooh."
"Yeah?"
"Uh-huh." The room fell silent for a moment, excepting the moist sucking murmurs.
"Can you guess what I have in my back pocket?" Orson said finally.
"Mmm. What?"
"You have to guess, silly."
"Is it round and crinkly?"
"Actually, it’s hard."
"Mmm." She shuddered in a good way. I could hear the alcohol thickening up her voice.
"And very sharp."
"Huh?"
"You told any of your friends about me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Does anyone know we’ve been seeing each other?"
"Why does it matter?"
"Just tell me." I caught a grain of anger in his voice, which I’m sure she didn’t register.
"Only the girls at work."
Orson sighed.
"I asked you not to tell anyone. You tell them my name?"
"Why?"
"Arlene, did you tell them my name?"
"I don’t remember." Her voice mellowed. "What do you think about this, sweetie?" A zipper started to descend.
There was sudden movement in the dark. "Don’t you touch me," he hissed.
The bed squeaked, and I wondered if she’d sat up.
"Turn on the light," she said. "Turn it on!" The light did not come on.
"Did you tell your girlfriends my name?"
"Why are you acting so weird?"
"Tell me, so I can show you what’s in my pocket."
"Yes, I told them your —"
"Goddamnit."
"What?"
"You can go now."
"Why?"
"Leave."
"What is wrong with you? I thought — I mean…I like you, and I thought —"
"I had something extraordinarily special planned for us tonight. And you just ruined it. I was going to open you up, Arlene."
"To what?"
"Get out of my house."
The bed moved again, the floor creaked, and it sounded as though clothes were being smoothed.
"I can’t believe I — you need help, David."
"Perhaps."
"You can go to —"
"I’d advise you to leave while you’re still able."
She stormed from his bedroom into the hallway, screamed "Fucking freak!" and was sobbing by the time she reached the front door.
25
ORSON sat for a while in the dark after Arlene left. For some reason, I expected him to cry, to come apart in pathetic flinders when no one was around. But this didn’t happen. As my eyes grew accustomed to the dark, I began to make out the shapes in his room — the painting on the wall, the bookshelves, his legs stretched out on the bed. I could see barbs of light through the dormer window, on the black slopes across the valley.