‘Hah! You’re Famine, then?’ said the Angel of the Iron Book. It fumbled with the heavy pages again.
What, what, what is this nonsense of ‘salad cream’?[18] shouted the Auditor.
Anger, thought Death. A powerful emotion.
‘Do I like salad cream?’ said a voice in the dark.
A second, female voice replied: ‘No, dear, it gives you hives.’
The horse of War was huge and red and the heads of dead warriors hung from the saddle horn. And Mrs War was hanging on to War, grimly.
‘All four. Bingo!’ said the Angel of the Iron Book. ‘So much for the Convocation of Ee!’
War had a woolly scarf round his neck. He looked sheepishly at the other Horsemen.
‘He’s not to strain himself,’ said Mrs War sharply. ‘And you’re not to let him do anything dangerous. He’s not as strong as he thinks. And he gets confused.’
So, the gang is all here, said the Auditor.
Smugness, Death noticed. And self-satisfaction.
There was a clanging as of metal pages. The Angel of the Iron Book was looking puzzled.
‘Actually, I don’t think that’s entirely correct,’ it said.
No-one paid it any attention.
Off you go on your little pantomime, said the Auditor.
And now irony and sarcasm, thought Death. They must be picking it up from the ones down in the world. All the little things that go to make up a … personality.
He looked along the row of Horsemen. They caught his eye, and there were almost imperceptible nods from Famine and Pestilence.
War turned in the saddle and spoke to his wife. ‘Right now, dear, I’m not confused at all. Could you get down, please?’
‘Remember what happened when—’ Mrs War began.
‘Right now, please, my dear,’ said War, and this time his voice, which was still calm and polite, had echoes of steel and bronze.
‘Er … oh.’ Mrs War was suddenly flustered. ‘That was just how you used to talk when—’ She stopped, blushed happily for a moment, and slid off the horse.
War nodded at Death.
And now you must all go and bring terror and destruction and so on and so forth, said the Auditor. Correct?
Death nodded. Floating in the air above him, the Angel of the Iron Book slammed the pages back and forth in an effort to find his place.
EXACTLY. ONLY, WHILE IT IS TRUE WE HAVE TO RIDE OUT, Death added, drawing his sword, IT DOESN’T SAY ANYWHERE AGAINST WHOM.
Your meaning? hissed the Auditor, but now there was a flicker of fear. Things were happening that it didn’t understand.
Death grinned. In order to fear, you had to be a me. Don’t let anything happen to me. That was the song of fear.
‘He means,’ said War, ‘that he asked us all to think about whose side we’re really on.’
Four swords were drawn, blazing along their edges like flame. Four horses charged.
The Angel of the Iron Book looked down at Mrs War.
‘Excuse me,’ he said, ‘but do you have a pencil?’
Susan peered round the corner into Artificers Street, and groaned.
‘It’s full of them … and I think they’ve gone mad.’
Unity took a look. ‘No. They have not gone mad. They are being Auditors. They are taking measurements, assessing and standardizing where necessary.’
‘They’re taking up the paving slabs now!’
‘Yes. I suspect it is because they are the wrong size. We do not like irregularities.’
‘What the hell is the wrong size for a slab of rock?’
‘Any size that is not the average size. I’m sorry.’
The air around Susan flashed blue. She was very briefly aware of a human shape, transparent, spinning gently, which vanished again.
But a voice in her ear, in her ear said: Nearly strong enough. Can you get to the end of the street?
‘Yes. Are you sure? You couldn’t do anything to the clock before!’
Before, I was not me.
A movement in the air made Susan look up. The lightning bolt that had stood rigid over the dead city had gone. The clouds were rolling like ink poured into water. There were flashes within them, sulphurous yellows and reds.
The Four Horsemen are fighting the other Auditors, Lobsang supplied.
‘Are they winning?’
Lobsang did not answer.
‘I said—’
It’s hard for me to say. I can see … everything. Everything that could be …
Kaos listened to history.
There were new words. Wizards and philosophers had found Chaos, which is Kaos with his hair combed and a tie on, and had found in the epitome of disorder a new order undreamed of. There are different kinds of rules. From the simple comes the complex, and from the complex comes a different kind of simplicity. Chaos is order in a mask …
Chaos. Not dark, ancient Kaos, left behind by the evolving universe, but new, shiny Chaos, dancing in the heart of everything. The idea was strangely attractive.{21} And it was a reason to go on living.
Ronnie Soak adjusted his cap. Oh, yes … there was one last thing.
The milk was always lovely and fresh. Everyone remarked on that. Of course, being everywhere at seven in the morning was no trouble to him. If even the Hogfather could climb down every chimney in the world in one night, doing a milk round for most of a city in one second was hardly a major achievement.
Keeping things cool was, however. But there he had been lucky.
Mr Soak walked into the ice room, where his breath turned to fog in the frigid air. Churns were stacked across the floor, sparkling on the outside. Vats of butter and cream were piled on shelves that glistened with ice. Rack after rack of eggs were just visible through the frost. He’d been planning to add the ice-cream business in the summer. It was such an obvious step. Besides, he needed to use up the cold.
A stove was burning in the middle of the floor. Mr Soak always bought good coal from the dwarfs, and the iron plates were glowing red. The room, one felt, ought to be an oven, but there was a gentle sizzling on the stove as frost battled with the heat. With the stove roaring, the room was merely an ice-box. Without the stove …
Ronnie opened the door of a white-rimed cupboard and smashed at the ice within with his fist. Then he reached inside.
What emerged, crackling with blue flame, was a sword.
It was a work of art, the sword. It had imaginary velocity, negative energy and positive cold, cold so cold that it met heat coming the other way and took on something of its nature. Burning cold. There had never been anything as cold as this since before the universe began. In fact, it seemed to Chaos, everything since then had been merely lukewarm.
‘Well, I’m back,’ he said.
The Fifth Horseman rode out, and a faint smell of cheese followed him.{22}
Unity looked at the other two, and at the blue glow that still hovered around the group. They had taken cover behind a fruit barrow.
‘If I may make a suggestion,’ she said, ‘it is that w— that Auditors are not good with surprises. The impulse is always to consult. And the assumption is always that there will be a plan.’
‘So?’ said Susan.
‘I suggest total madness. I suggest you and … and the … young man run for the shop, and I will attract the attention of the Auditors. I believe this old man should assist me because he will die soon in any case.’
18
If you live in a country where the tradition calls for mayonnaise, just don’t ask. Just don’t.