Had it only been two weeks?
It feels like two years have passed.
“I should have made him come home with me,” I say, my voice coming out throaty and dry. “If I insisted that he came home, I’d still have my best friend right now.”
Dash sits down on my bed. “You can’t think like that. He wanted to stay; he made the choice. He got in the car with a driver who was drunk. That’s not on you.”
I stay silent, pondering his words.
“I used to blame myself for my dad leaving us,” he says, looking down at his hands. “He just decided we were all too much, I guess, and I always thought that maybe if I was a better kid, he would have stayed.”
His dad is obviously an asshole, because Dash is amazing.
“There was nothing you could have done to stop this, Viola. Don’t blame yourself, because that is going to eat you alive. And Max wouldn’t want that. He’s probably looking down on you right now, yelling at you for wasting perfectly good food.”
My lip twitches at that, because it so is something Max would say.
Dash tries again, scooping some soup in the spoon and bringing it to my lips.
This time, I open my mouth.
He smiles, but I don’t.
I still feel numb and broken, but I don’t want everyone to worry about me.
Even though the person that would worry the most isn’t here anymore.
*****
Another week passes before my parents force me to go back to school. Everything reminds me of Max…everything, and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through a full day, never mind finish the rest of the year without him. I feel like I’m honestly going to be in mourning for the rest of my life, and I don’t know how I’m going to live like that. Everyone stares at me in all my classes, with varying expressions of sympathy and curiosity. I ignore them all. I sit in our usual spot at lunchtime, on the grass, and place his lunch next to me in the spot where he sits. Dash comes and sits on the other side of me, and I manage to give him a small smile.
“You’re doing well,” he says, low enough so only I can hear. “Super proud of you today, Vi.”
“Thanks,” I say then ask a question I should have asked a long time ago. “How are you doing?”
He looks down at the grass. “I miss him.”
I lay my head against his shoulder. “I feel like half of me is missing.”
We sit like that in silence, together, until the bell for the end of lunch rings.
I survive my first day at school without him, but just barely.
*****
One Month Later
“She’s hardly sleeping and hardly eating! She’s like a walking zombie,” I hear my mum tell my dad. “We have to do something, David. She can’t go on like this. She just sits there and stares at Max’s house.”
“What do you suggest we do?” my dad asks, sounding tired.
My mum lowers her voice, so I can’t hear what she says next, and I’m curious to see what they think they can do to save me. Unless they know how to bring someone back to life, or how to go back in time to change an event, I think they’re shit out of luck.
Chapter Seven
“What the hell do you mean you’re moving?” Dash asks, grabbing my face in his hands. His violet eyes look a little panicked, and also a little sad.
“My parents are selling the house, and we’re moving somewhere new,” I say without any emotion, repeating the words told to me.
I don’t want to leave. All my memories with Max are here, in this house. His parents are next door, his room the exact way he left it. This is my last connection to him, here. I know he’ll always be with me anywhere I go, but staring at his house comforts me in some way. I can replay memories out and daydream about all the conversations we had over the years. It’s almost like seeing time pass before my eyes, of us as kids running around with water balloons, to us as teenagers sneaking out together at night.
“You can’t leave,” he says, resting his forehead against mine. “You can’t fucking leave me, Vi.”
“They’ve already decided,” I tell him, our gazes connected.
And I don’t have enough fight in me to argue anymore.
He kisses me, catching me off guard, and I kiss him back deeply, running my hands through his thick head of dark hair. He lifts me in his arms and carries me to the bed, where he lays me down with him on top of me.
“You realise you’ve become the reason I make it through every day at school, right?” he asks against my lips. “You can’t leave now, especially when we haven’t even begun to explore what we could be.”
The timing couldn’t be worse for Dash and me. I’m numb, and now is not the time for me to start a relationship with anyone, no matter how much I like Dash. Without Max, the core of me, who I am, is gone, and I need to fix myself before I do anything else.
I need to be able to breathe freely again.
“Feel the pain and let it go, Vi. What’s the point of holding on?” Dash whispers then kisses down my neck. I reach for his t-shirt, trying to take it off, but he stops me. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I tell him, and I am.
I want him.
“It would kill me if we did it and you regret it after,” he says, still hesitating. “I know it’s your first time.”
“I’d only regret it if you weren’t my first,” I say, kissing him to cut off any further complaints. I try to take his shirt off again, and this time he allows it. He takes the lead, for which I’m grateful, helping me undress before removing the rest of his own clothes.
“You’re the first guy to see me naked,” I say, wondering what he’s thinking as he looks at my body.
“You’re beautiful,” he assures me, kissing my collarbone. “Perfect.”
I look at his body. “So are you.” I pause. “How many times have you done this before?”
He starts to chuckle, amusement flashing in his violet depths, then says, “I’m smart enough to not answer that.”
I slap his arm playfully.
“But probably not as much as you think,” he says, kissing the side of my breast.
“Nice save,” I mutter, watching his every move.
He lays next to me and pulls me into his arms, his bare skin on mine, making me feel more protected than I have in a while.
He kisses my temple. “We don’t have to do this. We can just lie here like this, kissing, until your parents come home and castrate me.”
I laugh then, for the first time since Max’s death.
“Fuck, that’s a beautiful sound,” Dash says, watching me.
“It feels good to laugh,” I admit, resting my head on his chest. “So good.”
“You’re really leaving?” he asks, looking up at the ceiling.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I guess I am. Dash?”
“Yeah, Vi?”
“Kiss me,” I demand.
He kisses me.
And then he makes love to me.
And my first time couldn’t have been any sweeter.
*****
Dash
I watch her car drive away, and my heart breaks just a little.
I never knew what to think of Viola, but from the very second I saw her, there was something about her. I thought she was a pain in the ass, cute, beautiful. Full of courage. Strong, yet vulnerable at the same time. With all my responsibilities at home, Vi was my escape, something for just me. I took too long though, and now she’s gone before she’s even mine. I pull out my phone and send her a message.
Miss you already, Vi.
She replies instantly. I miss you too. I’ll message you every day, Dash. I’m still here for you, in text and voice.
I grin at that and reply, Do you promise?
I promise, she sends back.