To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
From: grevkeller0143@state.edu
Subject: No date is better than a blind date
Cal,
Is there such a thing as too honest? I’ll ponder that… As far as ass grabbing goes, I guess I wouldn’t mind it if the grabber was my date. Or my fake date. And since we’re being honest, the only person who knows you don’t exist—I mean, who knows you aren’t really my boyfriend—is my roommate Melody. I do feel terrible lying, but we can’t sit and talk about guys during our committee meetings. We get nothing done when we do. It drives my friends nuts that I’m single, and I do not want to be set up. Blind dates are the worst. Wouldn’t you agree? Grey
To: grevkeller0143@state.edu
From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
Subject: Use me up then spit me out.
So, what you’re saying is, you still plan on using me so your friends don’t try and set you up on a blind date? And yeah, I agree that those are the worst, although I’ve never been on one. Speaking of dating: I think it’s rude you haven’t asked my permission to use me. – Cal
To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
From: grevkeller0143@state.edu
Subject: Request document submitted
Calvin, do I have your permission to use you as my fake boyfriend? Grey
To: grevkeller0143@state.edu
From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
Subject: Request document received
Greyson, to answer that, I should probably have your cell phone number. – Cal
697-555-5155: Grey, this is Cal. Thought it would be easier to text rather than email. What was your question again?
Grey: Calvin, took you long enough to ask for my phone number.
Caclass="underline" For the sake of convenience, it had to be done.
Grey: That’s the story you’re sticking with?
Caclass="underline" Yup, pretty much.
Grey: I guess I’ll jump right to the negotiations then. Calvin, do I have your permission to use you as my fake boyfriend?
Caclass="underline" Let me think about it. This all seems so sudden… are you sure we’re not rushing into things?
Grey: You’re wittier than you look, Cal Thompson
Caclass="underline" THANKS! Shit. That felt like an insult. Or was it a compliment? Dammit.
Grey: LOL
Caclass="underline" LOL? Fucking rude is what you are. You’re lucky you’re an hour away.
Grey: Or you’d WHAT? Come kick my ass or something?
Caclass="underline" Or something.
Grey: So, do I have your permission?
Caclass="underline" Yes. But when I start feeling dirty and violated, I’m breaking up with you. Also, please don’t tell anyone I “put out” on the first date.
Grey: I never kiss and tell…
To: grevkeller0143@state.edu
From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
Subject: Gray skies and stormy weather.
Grey. This shitty, gray overcast day reminded me of you—but not in a bad way. How’s it going over there at State? Had a rugby match this weekend, and I’ve been icing some seriously sore muscles for the past few days. It sucks. Can hardly move. I also have a cracked lip and another black eye—one that matches the shiner you saw last week. But it looks badass, so who am I to complain? I never did ask what your major is. Mine is business. Yawn. Boring, right? My dad owns a commercial construction company, and after working in the field a few years, I plan to take over when he retires. - Cal
To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
From: grevkeller0143@state.edu
Subject: Grey the Procrastinator
Calvin,
Yes, I’m sticking with that moniker. For some reason, it pleases me knowing that you don’t like it… Business is also my major, except I’m not sure which direction I want to take it. Unlike most of my friends, I don’t really know what to do with a business degree. Choosing a major was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I actually waited to declare until I absolutely had to. I have passion for a lot of things. Like event planning and team building. Is that weird? Grey
To: grevkeller0143@state.edu
From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
Subject: The Family Business
Greyson, is that weird? Not at all. Isn’t diversity a good thing? My dad always says that having diverse interests gives you a leg up in business, so you’re already one step ahead of the game. My mom works in the accounts payable department of his office, and my sister is his Field Manager. She never wanted to work for the family but got roped into it two years ago when Dad had a stroke. Sis is Tabitha, and she’s pretty fucking cool. A ballbuster, but cool. Do you have any siblings, or are you a lonely only? – Calvin
To: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
From: grevkeller0143@state.edu
Subject: Farm Fresh California Milk
Calvin,
Did you think I wouldn’t notice you signed that email as Calvin? Cute, cute, cute. Now you’re stuck with it Do I have any siblings? Yes, I have an older brother (Collin, 29) and a younger sister (Reagan, 18). Reagan is a freshman at State with me this year and sometimes stalks me on campus for a free coffee. I work at the Starbucks on campus part-part-time. Don’t even ask why they keep me employed, since I’m hardly available to work. Must be my sparkling wit and personality? So, did you at least score any TRYS during your game? Grey
To: grevkeller0143@state.edu
From: cal.thompson04@smu.il.edu
Subject: A few more cuts and bruises…
Grey. Holy shit, did you actually google rugby jargon and use TRY in a sentence? Wow, Grey, I have gotta say, I’m actually impressed. And to answer your question—of course I scored a try. They’re worth 5 points, and that’s where the busted lip came from. Those boys from Ohio are brutes. Changing the subject for a second. So what you’re saying is YOUR SISTER STALKS YOU????? At the risk of sounding—oh, I don’t know—unsympathetic, can I please point out the fact that perhaps this stalking problem RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY???? – Calvin
Grey: I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing. You can’t say funny crap like that during the day. I just choked back a laugh in this class I’m in right now, and the guy in front of me gave me a dirty look.