But that person’s already received the tapes. So Clay, just skip him when you pass them on. In a roundabout way, he caused a new name to be added to this list. And that’s who should receive the tapes from you.
And yes, Clay-I’m sorry, too.
My eyes sting. Not from the salt in my tears, but because I haven’t closed them since learning Hannah cried when I left the room.
Every muscle in my neck burns to turn away. To look out the window, away from the Walkman, and let my eyes stare into nothing. But I can’t bring myself to move, to break the effect of her words.
Tony slows the car and pulls over to a curb. “You okay?”
It’s a residential street, but it’s not the street of the party.
I shake my head no.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asks.
I lean back, resting my head against the seat, and close my eyes. “I miss her.”
“I miss her, too,” he says. And when I open my eyes, his head is down. Is he crying? Or maybe trying not to cry.
“The thing is,” I say, “I never really missed her till now.”
He sits back in his seat and looks over at me.
“I didn’t know what to make of that night. Everything that happened. I’d liked her for so long from far away, but I never had a chance to tell her.” I look down at the Walkman. “We only had one night, and by the end of that night, it seemed like I knew her even less than before. But now I know. I know where her mind was that night. Now I know what she was going through.”
My voice breaks, and in that break comes a flood of tears.
Tony doesn’t respond. He looks out into the empty street, allowing me to sit in his car and just miss her. To miss her each time I pull in a breath of air. To miss her with a heart that feels so cold by itself, but warm when thoughts of her flow through me.
I wipe the cuff of my jacket under my eyes. Then I choke back my tears and laugh. “Thanks for listening to all that,” I say. “Next time, it’s okay to stop me.”
Tony turns on the blinker, looks over his shoulder, and pulls us back into the street. But he doesn’t look at me. “You’re welcome.”
CASSETTE 5: SIDE B
It feels like we’ve driven this same road multiple times since leaving Rosie’s. Like he’s stalling for time.
“Were you at the party?” I ask.
Tony looks out his side window and changes lanes. “No. Clay, I need to know that you’re going to be all right.”
Impossible to answer. Because no, I didn’t push her away. I didn’t add to her pain or do anything to hurt her. Instead, I left her alone in that room. The only person who might’ve been able to reach out and save her from herself. To pull her back from wherever she was heading.
I did what she asked and I left. When I should have stayed.
“No one blames me,” I whisper. I need to hear it said aloud. I need to hear the words in my ears and not just in my head. “No one blames me.”
“No one,” Tony says, his eyes still on the road.
“What about you?” I ask.
We approach a four-way stop and slow down.
For a moment, from the corner of his eye, he looks at me. Then he returns his gaze to the road. “No, I don’t blame you.”
“But why you?” I ask. “Why did she give you the other set of tapes?”
“Let me drive you to the party house,” he says. “I’ll tell you there.”
“You can’t tell me now?”
His smile is weak. “I’m trying to keep us on the road.”
Soon after Clay left, the couple from the couch walked into the bedroom. Actually, stumbled into the bedroom is more accurate. Remember them? I thought she was acting drunk, bumping into me so we’d get up and leave. Unfortunately, it wasn’t an act. She was smashed.
I passed them in the hall. One of Jessica’s arms lay flopped over Justin’s shoulders. The other one groped for the wall to steady herself.
Of course, I didn’t actually see them come in. I was still on the floor, my back against the far side of the bed, and it was dark.
When I walked out of the room, I felt so frustrated. So confused. I leaned against the piano in the living room, almost needing it to hold myself up. What should I do? Stay? Leave? But where would I go?
Her sofa buddy kept her from stumbling too hard into the nightstand. And when she rolled off the bed…twice…he lifted her back on. Nice guy that he was, he kept the laughter to a minimum.
I thought he would tuck her in and shut the door behind him as he left. And that would be the perfect time for my getaway. End of story.
Hannah wasn’t my first kiss, but the first kiss that mattered; the first kiss with someone who mattered. And after talking with her for so long that night, I assumed it was just the beginning. Something was happening between us. Something right. I felt it.
But that’s not the end of the story. Because that wouldn’t make for a very interesting tape, now would it? And by now, I’m sure you knew it wasn’t the end.
Still, with no destination in mind, I left the party.
Instead of leaving, he started kissing her.
I know, some of you would have easily stayed for such an amazing voyeuristic opportunity. A close encounter of the sexual kind. Even if you never saw it, at least you’d hear it.
But two things kept me down on that floor. With my forehead pressed against my knees, I realized how much I must’ve drank that night. And with my balance not what it should’ve been, to run across the floor felt a little hazardous.
So that’s one excuse.
Excuse number two is that things seemed to be winding down up there. Not only was she drunk and clumsy, she seemed to be completely unresponsive. From what I could tell, it didn’t go much beyond kissing. And it seemed to be one-sided kissing at that.
Again, nice guy that he was, he didn’t take advantage of the situation. He wanted to. He tried for the longest time to get a reaction out of her. “Are you still awake? Do you want me to take you to the bathroom? Are you gonna puke?”
This girl wasn’t totally passed out. She grunted and groaned a bit.
It dawned on him-finally-that she wasn’t in a romantic mood and probably wouldn’t be for a while. So he tucked her in and said he’d check on her in a bit. Then he left.
At this point you might be wondering, Who are these people? Hannah, you forgot to tell us their names. But I didn’t forget. If there’s one thing I’ve still got, it’s my memory.
Which is too bad. Maybe if I forgot things once in a while, we’d all be a little bit happier.
The mist was heavy when I left the party. And as I walked through the neighborhood, it started to drizzle. Then rain. But when I first started walking it was just a thick mist that left everything sort of hazy.
No, you’ll have to wait for a name on this one. Though if you’ve been paying close attention, I gave you the answer a long time ago.
Before I say his name out loud, this guy needs to stew a bit…to remember everything that happened in that room.
And he remembers. I know he does.
I would love to see his face right now. His eyes shut tight. Jaw clenched. Fists pulling out his hair.
And to him I say, Deny it! Go on, deny that I was ever in that room. Deny that I know what you did. Or not what you did, but what you didn’t do. What you allowed to happen. Rationalize why this isn’t the tape you’re making a return appearance on. It must be a later tape. It has to be a later tape.
Oh, really? And you’d like that? A later tape would make things better?
Don’t bet on it.
God. What else could’ve gone wrong that night?
I know she wasn’t your girlfriend, that you hardly ever talked to her and barely even knew her, but is that your best excuse for what happened next? Or is that your only excuse?
Either way, there is no excuse.
I stood up, stabilizing myself with one hand on the bed.
Your shoes-the shadow of your shoes-were still visible in the light coming under the door. Because when you left that room, you took up post right outside. And I let go of the bed and started walking toward that sliver of light, not sure what I’d say to you when I opened the door.