This time his cock rose as he tried to enjoy the pain. I went 'round and sucked him off. He wriggled deliriously. But I was not finished. I beat him until he was unconscious. Then I cut him down, threw a rug over him, and took a walk about the grounds.
When I returned he had come to.
He was lying on the divan in his dressing gown, breathing heavily. I walked across to him and stroked his hair. Tears came to his eyes but he said nothing. I lay down beside him, brought my body close to his, and in that way we fell asleep.
That night we walked in the garden in the moonlight. He held my hand. I could feel that he was trying to say something but he did not seem to be able to speak. Perhaps he was not sure what it was he wanted to say, or perhaps it was something he had said before and which I had already treated with scorn.
"Three days until the full moon," I said, gazing up at the moon racing among cirrus clouds, little white wisps which seemed to be given off by the moon itself in traveling.
I sensed his desperation.
"It will be all over after the full moon," I said. "You will be well again and you will fall in love with some brilliant woman at court and you will marry."
"Never." He spoke quietly, without hope. I liked him.
"That's your affair," I said.
"And it means nothing to you?"
"Should it after I am dead?"
"There is no need for you to die."
"What about your word of honor?"
"I would break it ten times over. But if you decide to live, my word is not affected. I promised to do nothing to hinder you, nor to speak of it afterwards, but I didn't promise to drag you to the cross if you yourself chose against it. You would be safe, darling!" He took me in his arms and gazed down sadly into my eyes. "Miguel and his whole bloody crew would be at my mercy without you, for I am at your mercy and so at his. If you died, I would no longer be at his mercy but he would be protected by my promise. If you choose to live, he can touch neither you nor me and I can withhold my protection. Did he tell you this? No? Ah, I see he didn't. Yes Carmencita, upon you depends the future of the entire infamous Order. Yes, Count Miguel is making his last terrible bid to make it survive. He thinks that if he can marry his own reputation to that of the miracle of the crucified virgin — there is a great deal of superstition in Spain — he will be strong enough to foil any official attempt to break up the Order. He may be correct. It would harden his own Cardinals, very powerful men, against the more Liberal elements who are trying to break it up. There has lately been dissension even among the Cardinals. Miguel's predecessor was a weak old man who had not the authority to stem the fear that arose in his own ranks from the rising public opinion. They have reason to fear. If they are exposed, there will no doubt be some grave criminal proceedings against them. Seven Cardinals have already deserted and four of those have joined ranks with the Liberals." He stopped. "Oh, Carmencita, why not marry me? I can give you everything!"
"No, don't speak now. I want to know all about Miguel."
"Miguel found you — God knows where! — and held you in a state of readiness until just this moment when he was elected. He has expected his predecessor to die for years. It's rumored he made four attempts on the old man's life. Even now it's nearly too late. But he thinks he can win by combining his election with the advent of the willing virgin." He smiled through his sadness and said with gentle irony: "That's you, Carmencita…"
"Yes."
"You must die on the cross or Miguel is finished. So, you see, he is not at all interested in your last passion nor in your virginity, but only in the preservation of the Order in Spain.
"He had a great deal of luck with me. A number of years ago I was his worst political enemy.
"And suddenly I knew you weren't a virgin and the Order was in my power.
"But it is you who are the virgin. Don't you see, Carmencita? And you are his, married in body and soul. And that puts me in his power. I am powerless to strike him.
"And with you he both achieves his 'miracle' and silences an important Liberal.
"Sometimes I think he groomed you both for the cross and for me!"
"How?"
"There was no need to go so far with his publicity as to make of his dedicated virgin victim a celebrated queen of the demimonde. Public men are often foolish victims of such courtesans. And no one could compare with you. You would do anything, anything. You would die on the cross for passion, you could be vulgar and noble, chaste and licentious, pure and debauched. No one would ever make love to you! Miguel meant it. He is the most cunning devil in Spain. Even a genius."
"He is very clever," I said quietly.
We walked a little further in the garden. We kissed again. He kissed my breasts.
"Tell me, Prince, why…"
"Why do you call me 'Prince'? You know my name."
"Because you don't want me to. Is it not obvious?"
"How cruel you are, Carmencita!"
"Are you less cruel? Did you fall in love with me or did you want me for political reasons or is it the same thing in reality? But your personal reasons increased until you couldn't do without me. And so you try to change me and to mold me to your own pattern. If you succeed, you, too, kill two birds with one stone: you win me and you destroy your most dangerous political enemy."
"How can you say so, Carmencita? How can you compare!"
I put my finger on his lips and sealed them.
"I want you to let me decide forever tomorrow morning, darling. If I decide against you, you must leave me at once and hold good to your promise to Miguel. If I decide against Miguel, you can destroy him and create me."
"But I have still three days to influence you, Carmencita!"
"If I decide against you, I need three days to prepare myself for the cross."
He was silent.
"Shall I have them? I am at your mercy, Prince. Will you be merciful?"
"Yes," he said quietly.
He took me in his arms. "Remember that I love you, my darling! It is of you I think always!"
"Then love me tonight!" I said, closing my eyes and turning my face up to his in the moonlight.
— 8-
The hands slipped deftly across my belly, the tongue sank deep into my cunt, the legs contained me, the belly straddled me; he made his best love that night.
But he made it for him, not for me, for there was neither thong nor knife in his hand as he offered love.
If he had offered that, if he had proven love, who knows, I might have changed my desires; what were those desires but the fruits of a disbelief in love? I am alone. The Prince is alone. Miguel is alone. The Prince lies. He tries to tell me that I am not alone. Miguel tells the truth. He tells me that I am.
Miguel, my love, be my executioner!
Finis