As the night wore on, though, I could feel the tequila’s effects lessening a little. That wasn’t to say I still wasn’t drunk as hell; I’d taken down half that bottle myself. But, I wanted to go to bed while I was still in that delirious haze. It didn’t stop me from feeling down over Kiyo, but I had to imagine being sober would be worse.
Everyone stood up when I did, and I felt my legs struggle for balance. “Let me assist you,” said Shaya, reaching toward me. Dorian intervened before she could help.
“No, no. Allow me to guide the Thorn Queen to her room. I’d like a few words.” Ysabel’s face darkened at this, and he gave her a chastising look. “Oh, stop it. I’ll come to you shortly-provided Eugenie will allow me to stay overnight in her castle.”
“Sure, sure,” I said. “Come on over. Make yourself at home. Pick out curtains.”
He extended his arm to me, and I decided the indignity of letting Dorian guide me was less than that of me falling over in front of my servants. Ysabel’s eyes followed us furiously, and I couldn’t blame her. If my boyfriend were taking a drunk woman to her bedroom, I’d be pissed too.
“It was very high-handed of you to think I needed your moral support,” I told him once we were out of earshot of the others.
“Right. You only need the moral support of a bottle,” he teased. “Be honest, Eugenie. Your lover’s at the side of a former lover, eagerly awaiting the birth of their child. I’d be distressed as well.”
“Nothing distresses you,” I grumbled. We reached my room, and he followed me in without invitation.
“Plenty of things do,” he said. He frowned, ever so slightly, and it occurred to me he was none too sober himself.
I let go of his arm and walked over to the full-length mirror that stood on one side of the room, edged in gold. I’d pinned up my hair earlier and let it down now, wondering if I wanted to bother with sending Nia for a nightgown or if I’d just sleep in my clothes. Standing there, I stared at my body, thinking again of my mother’s claims that I was too skinny. I always argued it was an athletic build. Running my hands over the sides of my stomach and down to my hips, I studied my figure. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was slim.
“I can never do that for him,” I said in a small voice. “I can never give him a baby like she can.”
Dorian strolled over and stood behind me, meeting my eyes in the mirror. “Do you want to?”
“I don’t know. Kids were never on my radar…it was always a ‘maybe someday’ kind of thing. But now…knowing I can’t…” My hips and stomach suddenly seemed as unhealthily skinny as my mother had always said. They would remain untouched and infertile, never filling out with the kind of life Maiwenn’s had. I would never share that with Kiyo.
I flinched as Dorian reached from behind and placed his hands on the narrowest part of my waist. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I was too weary to shoo him away.
“You speak like someone who’s been condemned with infertility or like you’ve passed your prime.”
“I might as well be.”
“That’s not true. You’re young. You radiate health and fertility. You could have a dozen children.”
I shook my head slowly. “I can’t,” I said sadly. “I won’t. You know I won’t, no matter how much you and every other Otherworldly creature want me to.”
“Maybe you’d have a daughter.”
“I can’t take the risk.” I knew I’d never be confiding in him sober. “And what if Kiyo decides he doesn’t want that-to be with someone who’s always going to be childless? What if he wants more kids? Maybe this baby…Maybe he’ll go back to Maiwenn. Maybe…maybe he’ll leave me….” I could feel tears forming in my eyes and hated myself for the weakness.
Dorian tightened his grip on my waist. “He’d be a fool. And you’d be a fool to mourn him if he did. You’re more than a childbearing vessel.”
“Not the way everyone talks. Not the way you talk.”
To my shock, Dorian spun me around. Still gripping me, he pressed his forehead to mine so that only an inch was between us. I could smell the tequila on his breath, no doubt mirroring my own.
“Eugenie, you’re a woman without equal, and no matter how much you annoy the hell out of me and no matter how much I try to get you out of my head-and believe me, both occur regularly-I can’t stay away from you. Even if you were barren, I’d take you as my consort in an instant and spend the rest of my life with you-childless, so long as it meant you’d be by my side. I would gladly bring you to my bed with no other thoughts than taking joy from your body. It would be enough.”
I swallowed. “But you’re with…I mean, what about…what about Ysabel? She can have kids….”
“Ysabel,” he said dismissively, “is nothing. A pale imitation of you-and not even a good one at that.”
That was harsh of him, but it filled me with something warm and loved and special. I realized then that no matter the bantering, sexual tension, and many schemes, Dorian really was my friend. I also realized that I wanted so badly then for him to kiss me, to crush his body against mine and run his hands along my bare skin. I wanted to have sex with him against the wall, on the bed, on the floor…it honestly didn’t matter, so long as our bodies were joined, and I could feel him in me….
Whoa. I jerked away, my heart racing, barely stopping myself from doing something I’d regret. Deciding he was my friend was one thing; jumping into bed was another. I knew it was the tequila and my worry over Kiyo causing this. I didn’t want to be with Dorian again; I couldn’t be. Even if he claimed it would be for love and pleasure, I knew it could never be that simple. There would always be politics and schemes….
And so, I did the most unsexy thing I could. I summoned Volusian.
The icy, dark presence of my minion caught even Dorian by surprise, and he took a step back. It was the Otherworldly equivalent of a cold shower. Volusian’s eyes flicked to him and then turned back to me.
“My mistress requires more intoxication,” he said.
“No.” My magical hold on him trembled ever so slightly. It was nowhere near enough for me to lose control, but the alcohol messed with my power a bit. “I wanted you to go to the Willow Land and see if there’s any news.”
“More romantic errands.”
“Just go,” I snapped, trying to sound as harsh and commanding as I could.
As soon as Volusian was gone, Dorian strode angrily to me, all traces of sensuality gone. “That was stupid, Eugenie. You shouldn’t have summoned him after drinking so much.”
I turned away from him. “I need to find out what’s going on.”
“You need to banish him. You’re going to regret keeping him someday.”
“He’s useful,” I protested. “I don’t need any lectures. You should go to Ysabel now. I don’t need any more declarations of love today.”
“Oh?” His light tone returned. “Had a few of those today?”
“Leith,” I admitted. “He came by tonight to profess his undying devotion and see if he had a chance with me.”
Dorian’s green eyes watched me carefully. “And?”
“And, of course not. I had to tell him no a few times before he finally got it.”
Dorian didn’t bother hiding his satisfaction. “You’ve broken the poor boy’s heart. And his mother’s, no doubt. There’ll be no ball now. Would you like me to throw one instead?”
“No.” My sadness was turning into irritability. “I want you to leave. Go to Ysabel and paint her or tie her up or whatever it is you do together. I’m tired and want to go to bed. Alone.”
To my surprise, Dorian didn’t protest. Much. “As you wish. If you need me, you know where I’ll be.”
“It would take a lot for me to interrupt you,” I said dryly.
Dorian gave me one of his knowing, sly smiles and then left without another word. The thought of him going to Ysabel’s bed troubled me more than I would have liked. He’d barely been gone a few minutes when Volusian returned.