Threats

was weeping throughout and making a groaning noise during this time. Paramedics arrived and additionally aided in restraining him. When he was restrained, it was revealed that he had been holding in his mouth a balled-up page upon which words were typed. Detective Chico found the page and documented its contents while paramedics attended to Mr. B.

76

PAPER SAILBOAT ON A STILL LAKE MY DEAR CARRY IT AWAY CARRY IT HURRY MY DEER IN THE WOODS, I’M LOST, I FOUND A NOTE WITH YOUR NAME / I FOUND A PLATE ON THE WATER, A PAPER PLATE ON A STILL LAKE THIS DRAINED AORTA FEELS THERE’S NO BRUISE THIS UNBLUSHED BLEMISH THIS MISTAKE THAT ORBITS MY BODY MY LOVE DO YOU BELIEVE THE FLOATING ALTAR FINDS A DRAWN PATH, FUTURES LUSHLY DESCRIBED WITH A PRACTICED HAND / MY DEAR DARLING HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A LAMB HAVE YOU EVER IN A MOMENT FELT THE NEED TO ABHOR THE EARTH FOR IT COMPACTS INTO A NUT WITH EVERY FAILING FOOTFALL AND EACH MIND DIES SOLITARY REMEMBER THE TIME WE REMEMBERED, REMEMBER THE STEAMING CRACK IN THE EARTH, REMEMBER LUST AND IF YOU DO, REMIND ME / REMEMBER THE ALTARS ALL IN WHITE, YOUR HANDS PRESS THE WALL SEARCHING YOUR HANDS OH HEAVENS DO YOU THINK THAT’S OUT THERE DO YOU REMEMBER THE WAY A SWEET MEAT LOOKS AFTER A GOOD BROIL WHAT’S IN A FOOT IN THE EARTH WHAT’S PUTTING DOWN ROOTS SWEET YOUTHS WHAT’S IN A NAME BUT STICKS AND BRANCHES / AFFIX YOUR BILLOW AND SAIL MY LOVE, PUSH FROM THE SHORE, YOUR FEET BARE AS A SATYR YOUR FEET UNSHOD, I DO LOVE A GOOD RIDDLE MY LOVE AND YOU WERE THE BEST, BLOT YOUR EYES, TAKE MY TISSUE, I HAVE ANOTHER, I HAVE ANOTHER HOUR BEFORE YOU FIND ME / OH DEAR SORRY ABOUT THE BLOAT SORRY ABOUT THE AFFECTED AIRS IN THE END WE’RE ALL HOLDING VEILS WALKING IN A LINE WE’RE HOLY VEILS WALKING IN A LINE OF ANTS DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE RUST WAS SO HIGH AROUND OUR EYES, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD BE WET FOREVER / A PAPER BOATS ON A STILL LAKE, FLOATING SILENT DOWN THE RILL, CATCHING SWEETLY ON SHINING PEBBLE, FLIGHT OF RAYS SHINES THE WATER, MAKE THE MISTAKE THOU MAKE THE MISTAKE THUS THAT THESE DAYS WILL NEVER EVER, THESE DAYS WILL NEVER / A LONG TIME AGO WHEN I WAS A GIRL AND WE WERE ALL ONCE GIRLS SAYS SCIENCE, LOOK IT UP, IN THE LONG TIME AGO WHEN I WAS ALL ONCE GIRLS IN THE FOREST ONCE I MEAN TO SAY I FOUND AN ALTAR THERE IN THE WOODS, A BRANCH COVERING LEFT CAREFULLY, I LOOKED LEFT AND RIGHT AND THEN TUCKED IT BACK AND FOUND A WASHED PAN OF BRICKS AND STONE, OBJECTS ARRANGED AND IN THE CENTER A BOLUS OF SWEET SKULL AND TISSUE, AN OWL SAVING A FINE CHEW FOR LATER, THE PERISHED CREATURE PRESENTS ITS HISTORY THERE TO FIND OR NOT FIND, FOR US TO THINK OR NOT THINK THAT SOMEDAY WE MIGHT BE SUCH / I SPENT THE DAY INVENTING ABATTOIRS FOR INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE TECHNICALLY WELL BUT JUST A LITTLE TIRED OF WAITING TO SEE WHAT’S NEXT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN DO YOU KNOW HOLY WAYS TO LOOK AT A BOAT, ANYTHING GAINS SIGNIFICANCE WHEN YOU PUT IT ON AN ALTAR, THAT’S THE THING ABOUT ALTARS, ABOUT THINGS, EVEN A SLUR SPARKLES WELL ENOUGH THAT YOUR OWN MOTHER COULD PICK IT UP AND HOLD IT IN HER HANDS, YOUR DEER MOTHER / OH HEAVENS DID I ALREADY APOLOGIZE FOR THE BLOAT DID I ALREADY COMB YOUR HAIR OH MY SWEET DEAR, WE NEVER DID TRY TO HAVE OUR TIME DID WE, OUR SOULS WAVE FROM ACROSS THE WATER, THE WAVELESS WATER, BETWEEN US A PAPER BOAT FLOATS BY WHICH I MEAN TO SAY, BY WHICH I STILL MEAN, BY WHICH A STILL LAKE /

77

“SOMETHING has happened.”

They had eaten breakfast together that morning, like any morning, every morning. She ate like a large, hungry bird. Mostly seeds. She looked out the window. On the mornings he asked her what she was looking at, she said she was looking at the world.

It was snowing. The snow fell harder than it had fallen all year, and steady enough to create drifts in the ash trees, where snow piled on nests and old leaves, inside of which animals burrowed, their eyes dimmed for the necessity of survival. “You’ve been tromping berries.”

The berries behind the house were speckled against the snow. She had tried to eat one of the berries once. It was bitter. “It’s blood. Could you call for help?” He thought of her eyes, an animal’s dark eyes. Later, when the officers swept the scene, they shook the snow from the berry bushes and examined the berries as evidence. Snow had fallen over her tracks from the fence.

“Of course. What’s the problem?” An expanse of time viewed from a distance, a horizon. He could live in the place where he saw her eyes. It was simple to live in a place.

Her body swayed, her feet bare. “God, damn it.” The workers who would come to clean the stairwell did not think about the origin of the stains to which they applied enzyme cleaner. One added up the number of cleanings required to repair the heater in his car. Another tried to remember if cleaning products had been ordered for the week. A third thought about his girlfriend’s hair on a pillow that morning, soft like a baby’s.

“What did you do? What happened?” That morning, she spooned the sugar into her cup of coffee and returned the bag to the pantry. She walked to the table and sat beside him. These things were as ordinary as ordinary. Missing them would feel the same as missing a chair that was not particularly comfortable or uncomfortable. Like missing a dinner plate, a door’s frame.

The course of events stood in a silent line, serving as sentries for the individuals who moved helpless among them. “Could you call the fire department?” Anything seemed possible, but only one thing was possible. “You don’t need to call anyone. Forget about it. I love you.”

“What did you get into?” The mess had frozen to her ankles, her feet, her toes, but she was thawing, a river of bright blood carving through. Her body warming to the indoors would be the end of her, but the idea of coming inside would have been too natural to ignore, even if she had an awareness of the danger, which she had not.

Her body was so cold against his. He reached for her, put his arms around her, warmed her. He put the warmth of his hands onto her wet feet until his hands were cold, and then he warmed his hands on his own neck, his stomach under his flannel pajamas, his armpits, and then laid his hands on her again, rubbing, warming without knowing that he was stimulating the arterial wound. “That’s your problem.” Her body moved beyond ache to something else. She felt like a bird in a nest. Time passed like a snowdrift.

“Doc,” he said. “You gotta understand.” He tried to move her legs into his lap, but she waved him off, laughing. Her laugh stopped his motion and he looked at her. His face was a panel. She felt a desire to touch her nose to his nose, such a pleasurable desire, and not acting on it made it a secret, which made it even more of a pleasure. He watched her. She was too tired then to express the desire aloud, and the secret became even more perfect. It became the most perfect secret she had ever experienced, as close as she was to him at that moment. Her heart pounded with pleasure. It seemed possible to express anything by looking at him, and so she looked, the energy leaving her feet and hands and filling her eyes. Her mouth slackened as she directed every electric impulse of energy into her eyes, which watched him and twitched slightly, scanning his eyes, imparting every truth with perfect clarity. She leaned against the stairwell, smiling, looking at him even when her eyes lost their energy and their light faded.