Tamales with chili, Spanish rice, beef enchiladas wrapped in my choice of corn or flour tortillas, and Cade’s famous elote made for one fabulous meal. As I drug the edge of my fork along my plate, hoping for another morsel of the chili, I realized there was plenty more.
“Anybody?” I said as I stood.
Rain glanced up as she shoveled the elote in her mouth at a pace that would choke a horse. Cade shook his head from side to side as he chewed, and motioned toward his still full plate with his fork.
“Good, more for me,” I said as I turned toward the kitchen.
There was no doubt in my mind Cade’s cooking spoiled me. Many men would stay married to a woman for all of eternity for her ability to cook alone. Cade’s capacity to prepare a meal was second to none. His constant consideration of what I liked, preferred, and didn’t care at all to eat was something I admired about him. Over the years, he had prepared several things I didn’t like, and although I was sure he cared for them, they never returned to the table.
I loaded my plate with three chili covered tamales, rice, and two corn enchiladas. As I walked to the table, I whistled, happier than I could remember being in years. Corn enchiladas were a favorite of mine growing up, and eating them now reminded me of times that had escaped me and would never return. As much as I would expect heartache and pain to come with the memories of my childhood, it rarely happened.
I inhaled the spicy smell of the enchiladas as I sat down, eager to demolish another plate of Cade and Rain’s offering. I glanced up and grinned as I cut one of the tamales in half, wondering the entire time if I could shove the entire thing into my mouth. As I forced the entire thing past my lips, I did my best to grin at them both, proud of my accomplishment.
“You know,” I said as I chewed.
“This is the best fucking food on the planet,” I breathed past the steaming hot tamale in my mouth.
“Thank you,” Cade nodded.
“Appreciate it, Rain,” I said as I picked up my beer and tilted it toward her.
“I love learning to cook. Cade’s a good teacher,” she grinned.
“Well, I’m going to stay out of that class. I prefer the eating to the cooking, that’s for sure. I’ll leave the cooking up to you two,” I said as I pushed the tip of my fork into the second half of the tamale.
“Another thing, just for what it’s worth. These corn enchiladas bring back memories from being a kid. Damn, I like thinking about it. You know, the further I get from my childhood, the fewer memories I have. It’s a damned shame I don’t have pictures. Hell, by the time I’m 50, I’ll probably not even remember half of what I do now. Damned shame,” I sighed as I lifted my fork to my mouth.
Rain glanced up from her plate, seemingly confused. “Why do the corn enchiladas remind you of being a kid?” she asked.
I nodded my head as I chewed and considered what to say in response. After I swallowed and took a drink of beer, I laid my fork against my plate and rested my elbows on the table. As I rested my chin in my clasped hands, I glanced back and forth between Cade and Rain.
“Well, my dad grew up in southern California, and although he was white, he grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood. According to him, his parents were poor. They ate the corn enchiladas, and he said the rich families ate the flour. My mother, as a result of my father’s selective taste, learned to cook from his mother, and she only cooked the corn,” I paused and recalled my excitement of eating Mexican food as a child.
“We ate Mexican food more than anything, and probably had corn enchiladas three days a week. If it wasn’t for them, my brother and I would have starved,” I chuckled as I glanced down at my plate.
As I lifted my fork and studied the food on my plate, Rain and Cade spoke at the same time.
“You have a brother?”
I glanced up, somewhat confused.
“Excuse me?” I asked openly.
Cade swallowed heavily, lifted his glass of water, and took a drink. I glanced at Rain, who sat silently, and then shifted my eyes toward Cade.
“What did you say?” I asked as I dropped my fork onto my plate.
“You said you and your brother would have starved. If uhhm, if it wasn’t for the enchiladas,” Cade said as he lowered his glass to the table.
“I did?” I shrugged.
Cade and Rain both nodded their heads and leaned into the table.
I pursed my lips, pressed my tongue against the backs of my teeth, and thought. I couldn’t recall exactly what I said, but I suspected they may have been right. Now, finding a way to talk about it without getting worked up would be the tough part. As with everything, honesty would be the best policy; but I needed to decide just how much to say.
“A younger brother. A year younger. Had, not have. He died,” I said.
It was easier than I had thought. The words came out without much emotion attached to them at all. Surprisingly, it had been over ten years since I spoke of it to anyone.
“I’m so sorry,” Rain immediately snapped back.
I nodded my head and mouthed the words, “Thank you.”
Without incident, just how I’d hoped.
“What happened?” she asked.
Fuck.
Here we go…
I felt if I just started talking, and told the story as it happened, it would come easy. The difficult thing for me was that everything about the loss of my only brother was subject matter that was not open for discussion; therefore I hadn’t spoken about it for thirteen years – to anyone. I realized - according to professionals - not talking about it was unhealthy and prevented me from dealing with the death, but Ryan was gone and there wasn’t much else that mattered. I felt talking about it was not accepting it, and placing it on a shelf was.
Cade had no idea of my brother or my loss, but considering Rain asked…
I studied her. Innocent and beautiful, she gazed my direction. Mesmerized by her eyes, and powerless to her request to know more, I felt compelled to do my best. I pushed my seat away from the table slightly and wiped my mouth with my napkin. I reached for my beer and realized my hand was shaking. As the bottle dangled between my thumb and forefinger, I gazed beyond her with unfocused eyes, and began.
“I was eighteen, and he was seventeen. His name was Ryan and he was my brother, my best friend, and my only sibling. We were inseparable. We had big plans,” I lifted my bottle of beer, took a short drink and nodded my head.
“He was. He was uhhm…”
It was more difficult to say it than I had thought. What originally drew me to Cade was witnessing the treatment he was receiving in the hallway from several bullies who assumed he was gay. Immediately, he became my brother, and I was able to do for him what I was unable to do for my previous brother. Even today, Cade remained my only family member in my eyes; a brother, yet my best friend.
“He was gay…”
I glanced up.
No response.
Okay.
I glanced down in my lap and eventually studied the bottle of beer as I spoke.
“There were some kids who always messed with him. We uhhm. We grew up in a small town. People in these shitty little towns are so closed-minded you know. I raced dirt bikes back then, and I had this race coming up. And just before this race, these kids had been fucking with him pretty hard,” I paused and glanced up, knowing it was going to get more difficult to continue.
Rain sat with her hands over her mouth, and Cade gazed at me with wide eyes. I shifted my focus to the center of the table and stared.
“Hell, he was such a good kid he never told anyone at school or even me for that matter who they were. He’d come home with a black eye or another bruise and always said don’t worry E, I’ll take care of it. He called me E most of the time. Damned kid was thin as a rail, much smaller than uhhm. Much smaller than Cade,” I paused and lifted the beer to my mouth, draining what little was left.