Where is Jameelah, I ask.
She’s up there with whatshisname.
His name is Lukas.
I have no idea what his name is but he’s a poof no matter what Jameelah thinks.
You can’t say that. Anyway we’ll see, there’s something brewing today.
That’s not your type right?
What do you care, I say punching him in his side.
As if, says Nico grabbing my leg and throwing me over his shoulder.
I scream like an idiot but Nico doesn’t put me down until we reach the door to Viovic’s house. There’s already a lot going on inside, people everywhere you look, even Apollo and Aslagon are there sitting on a giant leather sofa in the living room. Apollo has a porcelain doll in his lap and is bouncing it on his knee like a little kid.
I had one just like it, he says, I was just a little kid and my mother smashed it.
Why, I ask.
I have no idea.
His lower lip is trembling.
Maybe you deserved it, says Aslagon taking the doll and tossing it into the corner before spreading a big piece of paper across the coffee table.
Give me a hand instead, we have stuff to do.
I’m still pretty high. I squeeze my way through the packed kitchen to the refrigerator and grab a beer and head to the basement. The rehearsal studio is bursting at the seams. Viovic have a couple of go-go dancers on stage, sweet thin boys who strip while Viovic play. Lukas and Jameelah are jumping around in the front row. I try to fight my way over to Jameelah but there’s no chance, zero, and anyway I’d probably just be bothering them if I did make it over there so I stay near the door and take a big gulp of beer. For the first time it occurs to me that Lukas and Jameelah kind of look like each other, the same dark hair, same dark eyes. Lukas reminds me of someone else too.
Whenever my beer is empty I go upstairs to the kitchen and then back down where I stand next to the door and every time I see Jameelah and Lukas again I think it will come to me. But I can’t think of who it is he reminds me of, not through the entire concert though it could also have something to do with the fact that now I’m not just high I’m totally drunk.
This is our last song, says Viktoria smacking the go-go dancer next to her on the ass just like Nico did to me before, and you, you get back to my dressing room, she says and everybody shouts.
People clap and howl and shout encore and Viovic bow. I clap and look over toward Lukas and Jameelah but I can’t make them out in the crowd. Instead I see Anna-Lena standing against the wall next to the stage. She’s glaring at the dance floor with a horrified look and when I follow her gaze I see why. Right in the middle of the crowd Jameelah and Lukas are hooking up. I jump up and down and clap like crazy for Viovic but really only for Jameelah because Viovic played as bad as they always do and as I’m clapping it hits me who it is, Lukas looks exactly like the boy in the black and white picture on the shelf at Noura and Jameelah’s place, the photo of Jameelah’s brother Youssef, and then I stop clapping because I get a tight feeling in the pit of my stomach but it could just be from all the beer.
The house is absolutely jammed but Viovic just disappear. In the kitchen it looks like a bomb has gone off. Somebody must have tried to bake a cake, the sack of flour has exploded. The entire kitchen is covered in a layer of flour.
Where are Viovic, I ask a guy with green hair sitting at the kitchen table munching on tiramisu out of a tupperware container.
They’re cruising around in their father’s Jaguar, he says grinning, they’re out of their minds but it’s pretty funny, eh?
I go into the living room. The first thing I see is the porcelain doll hanging upside down from the chandelier. Its long hair has been cut off and its skirt is dangling down over its face and you can see its underwear. Below the doll Apollo and Aslagon are writhing around on the floor.
You miserable dog, shouts Apollo pointing at the doll, why do you always do this, why do you always destroy anything beautiful?
It’s a sign, Aslagon screams back, everything breaks eventually, sooner or later everything rots.
Cut it out, screams Nico opening the door to the terrace. Apollo and Aslagon disappear into the garden. I sit down next to Nico on the sofa. For a second I wonder whether he’s just been sitting here in this same spot the whole time on the couch with the bong in front of him and his lunchbox in his lap filled with his magic mixture. I take the bong, stuff a bud in, and when I finish smoking up I roll myself up next to Nico like a ferret and I’m out immediately. At some point, no idea how much later, the room gets loud again.
The transmission’s fucked, my father’s going to kill us, says somebody, and turn the music down the neighbours are complaining.
I open my eyes, I’m dizzy and nauseous and the shitty beer is gurgling in my stomach. The first party casualties are lying around the room passed-out and I wonder how long I’ve been asleep.
Where is Jameelah, I think, and go to stand up but can’t manage it. Nico picks me up and carries me upstairs. The next thing I know I land softly on a mattress.
Here, drink this, says Nico holding out a glass of water, and after I do I feel a bit better. I take off my socks and skirt and lie down under the white sheets.
Thanks, I say, and Nico leans down and kisses me. I kiss him back as best I can but I’m still feeling dizzy, I grope for his belt and take off my t-shirt but whenever I close my eyes everything spins.
Shit, I mumble, I have to go to the bathroom.
You need to sleep cutie, says Nico buckling his belt again.
Yeah but first I need to go to the bathroom.
In the hall I feel my way along the wall when somebody suddenly looms toward me.
Do you know where the bathroom is I want to ask but then I realize it’s Jameelah in front of me wearing a bathrobe that’s way too big for her.
Where’s the bathroom I need to get there right away, I say.
Down there, I have to go too, she says looking at me sceptically, is everything okay you look like shit.
Yeah I just need to stick my finger down my throat.
It’s cool in the bathroom. I grab the longest eyeliner pencil I can find on the makeup shelf and stick it as deep as possible in my throat and drop to my knees in front of the toilet. The shitty beer and the noodles with ketchup from home shoot into the toilet and I can’t remember the last time I felt so relieved.
I have to pee, says Jameelah fidgeting around next to me, hurry up.
Finished, I say filling up a cup with water and sitting down on a big laundry basket.
What’s going on with Lukas?
Jameelah gives the thumbs-up as she pees.
He’s lying down in the next room.
Where?
In the father’s room.
What do you mean, their father has his own bedroom?
Yeah he snores so bad that’s why. What about you and Nico?
We kissed but nothing more is going to happen tonight I’m too fucked up.
Jameelah pulls up her underwear and sits down on the toilet seat wrapping her arms around herself.
Do you think it hurts, she asks looking at the floor.
What?
What do you think.
Oh, right. I don’t know.
Do you think it’ll bleed a lot?
I have no idea, that’s the sort of thing you always know better than me.
Half of all women don’t bleed at all.
See.
I go to open the door but Jameelah grabs my arm.
Nini, she says, if it really does happen tonight what should I do with the sheets?
What do you mean, I ask.
You know, if I bleed. What should I do with the bloody sheets?
She looks at me like she’s being shipped off to a war zone.
We know how it works, I say, we’ve practised with frogs and corpses, we’ve practised it all.
Yeah, she says shrugging her shoulders, still it’s different now.