She felt the panic rising. Everything had seemed so clear. She had been so sure of her ability to fight him and yet now she was experiencing a strange weakness and uncertainty. She must not let him sway her. "Lose me? You've never had me. You're never going to have me. I'm not such a fool that I'd let you come close to me after all that's gone between us."
"We're already close. We're so close we're almost a part of each other. You feel it and so do I. We're so close that we never really left each other even though you were oceans away."
The intensity of his emotion was reaching out to her, surrounding her, smothering her.
"No," she whispered.
"Yes." His finger reached out and gently touched the plane of her cheek. "Oh yes, we have to have each other. We have to be together."
"Ian."
He went still. "I can work it out."
"Forgive? Forget?" She smiled sadly. "Not you, Ruel."
"I'll work it out," he repeated. "I have no choice."
"But I do have a choice." She turned away from him and moved toward her bedroll. "And I have no intention of letting myself be hurt by you again. Ever since we met you've manipulated me, pulled me to and fro to suit yourself, but it's finished now. When this is over I'm going to be free to live my life as I wish and you'll not be a part of it." She forced herself to glance at him over her shoulder. "I can't believe you'd think I'd want anything else."
"Then I'll have to change your mind, won't I?" One corner of his lips lifted in a sardonic smile. "Oh, I know it's not going to be easy after what I've done to you. I'll do what I can to smooth the way for both of us, but you'll have to work through it too."
Dear God, she had seen how determined and irresistible Ruel could be when he was focusing his attention on a goal. Now he wanted to focus that will on her for a lifetime instead of a few days of revenge. The mere idea terrified her. She wanted peace to live her own life as she saw fit. She settled down in her blankets and turned her back to him, trying to shut out his words, trying to shut him out.
"We could share one bedroll, you know," he said softly. "We'd probably both sleep better. We're used to each other now."
The truth of his words frightened her even more. They were used to each other's bodies, used to all the textures and scents and flavors, used to the rhythms of passion. They knew each other in the most erotic and seductive of intimacies. Yet there had been other moments in the past few days when their togetherness had taken on a gentler, even comfortable quality. He was no longer a dark secret to her, and that knowledge in itself was alluring. He was a battle she had fought and lost . . . and won.
"For God's sake, I'd only hold you. I'm not fool enough to think you're well enough to—" He broke off. "It would be a start."
She couldn't let it start. "No." She could feel his gaze on her back. She had been so relieved when she had thought herself free of him. Let him not say anything more. Let him not touch her.
With relief she heard him move toward his own bedroll and settle into the blankets. The silence was unbroken for several moments. Then he said in a low voice, "Think about it, Jane. If you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you don't have any choice either."
Her eyes were suddenly stinging with unshed tears. He had mentioned need and lust but not love. Not that she wanted him to love her, she told herself quickly. She knew that was as impossible for him as it was for her now. She was tired and not completely over her illness or she would not feel this sense of desolate loneliness and isolation. She would get over it. She mustn't answer him or let him come any closer.
She hoped he was wrong about her not having a choice. Of course he was wrong. He had to be wrong.
Chapter 18
They did not overtake Li Sung until late afternoon of the next day.
"Li Sung!"
Li Sung stiffened at Ruel's hail and then turned to confront them. The relief Jane felt immediately turned to concern. Li Sung's usually golden skin was parchment-pale, his mouth set in lines of strain, and his expression distinctly forbidding.
"You should not be here," he said.
"Neither should you," she said. "Are you ill? You look terrible."
"So do you." Li Sung smiled faintly. "And you are the one who has been ill. I have merely been enduring the usual agonies inflicted when riding on this equine beast for too long."
Even a half-day's ride was painful to Li Sung, and he had been driving himself unmercifully for three days. She hid the pity the thought brought and said lightly, "It serves you right for going after the elephant without me."
He grimaced. "I did not trust you not to soften when I caught up with him. Your heart is too tender. I want to shoot him, not adopt him."
"You shouldn't have worried. He's not a dog or a cat, and he destroyed my tracks," Jane said. "Do you have any idea how far ahead he is?"
"Not far."
"How do you know?" Ruel asked. "Have you heard him?"
"No."
"Then how do you know?" Ruel persisted. "He could be angling back toward the crossing by another route."
"He is not." He gestured impatiently as Ruel opened his lips. "And I do not know why I am sure, but I am. I tell you, he is just ahead."
"I'm not arguing. I have a firm belief in instinct," Ruel said quietly. "If he's just ahead, then you won't mind stopping for the night. This clearing seems to be as good a place as any. We can fetch water from that pond we passed a quarter of a mile back."
Li Sung frowned. "It is still early. If I keep on the trail, I might be able to overtake him."
"And you might not." Ruel got off his horse. "And even if we do catch up with him, we might be too tired to be any threat."
Li Sung stiffened. "I am weary, not helpless."
"I wasn't talking about you." Ruel reached up and plucked Jane from the saddle. "Jane's been ill, remember?" He met her gaze warningly as she started to protest. "You may be able to drive yourself without collapsing, but you might think of someone else besides yourself."
"She should not have come."
"We're here," Ruel said flatly. "Deal with it."
Li Sung hesitated before nodding reluctantly. "Very well." He got off his horse and then had to grab the pommel of the saddle to steady himself as his stiffened legs threatened to give way.
Jane hastily averted her eyes from this betraying sign of weakness. "I'll gather the wood."
"I'll do it." Li Sung released the saddle. "Danor has left more than enough torn up trees in his wake to accommodate our needs." He limped toward the path left by the elephant.
"It was clever of you not to let Li Sung know it was him you were concerned about," she said in a low voice.
"Hell, I can't claim any great degree of cleverness. I only told the truth. I am worried about you." He turned away before she could speak. "I'll set up camp. You go after Li Sung and see if you can persuade him to stay here while I go after the elephant."
"Alone?" she asked, startled. "Don't tell me you were a hunter too at one time?"
He shook his head. "The only animals I ever hunted were the rats in the London sewers."