"I can learn." Minerva said plaintively. "I can self-program to learn astrogation and shiphandling at once, from the planetary library. I'm very bright."
Lazarus sighed again. "Ira, do you know the ancient Chinese ideogram for 'trouble'?"
I admitted that I did not.
"Don't bother to guess. It's 'Two Women Under One Roof.' We're going to have problems. Or you will. Minerva, you are not bright. You are stupid-when it comes to handling another woman. If you want to learn multiple-spaces astrogation-fine. But not from a library. Persuade Dora to teach you. But never forget that she is mistress in her own ship and don't try to show her how bright you are. Bear in mind instead that she likes attention."
"I will try, sir," Minerva answered him, with humility she rarely shows to me. "Dora wants to get your attention right now."
"Oh-oh! What sort of mood is she in?"
"Not a good mood, Lazarus. I have not admitted that I know where you are, as I am under a standing instruction not to discuss your affairs unnecessarily. But I did accept a message for you without guaranteeing that I could deliver it."
"Just right. Ira, the papers with my will include a program to wash me out of Dora's memories without touching her skills. But the trouble you started by grabbing me out of that flophouse has spread. She's awake with her memories intact, and she's probably scared. The message, Minerva."
"It's several thousand words, Lazarus, but the semantic content is short. Will you have that first?"
"Okay, the summary meaning."
"Dora wants to know where you are and when you are coming to see her. The rest could be described as onomatopoesy, semantically null but highly emotional-that is to say, cursing, pejoratives, and improbable insults in several languages-"
"Oh, boy."
"-including one language I do not know but from context and delivery I assume tentatively that it is more of the same, but stronger."
Lazarus covered his face with a hand. "Dora is cussing in Arabic again. Ira, this is worse than I thought."
"Sir, shall I replicate just the sounds not in my vocabularies? Or will you have the complete message?"
"No, no, no! Minerva, do you cuss?"
"I have never had reason to, Lazarus. But I was much impressed by Dora's command of the art."
"Don't blame Dora; she was subjected to a bad influence when she was very young. Me."
"May I have permission to file- her message in my permanents? So that I may cuss if needed?"
"You do not have permission. If Ira wants you to learn to cuss, he'll teach you himself. Minerva, can you arrange a telephone hookup from my ship to this suite? Ira, I might as well cope with it now; it won't get better."
"Lazarus, I can arrange a standard telephone hookup if that is what you want. But Dora could speak to you at once via the duo in your suite that I am now using."
"Oh. Fine!"
"Shall I supply her with holographic signal, too? Or is sound enough?"
"Sound is enough. More than enough, probably. Will you be able to hear, too?"
"If you wish, Lazarus. But you can have privacy if that is your wish."
"Stick around; I may need a referee. Put her on."
"Boss?" It was the voice of a timid little girl. It made me think of skinned knees, and no breasts as yet, and big, tragic eyes.
Lazarus answered, "Right here, baby."
"Boss! God damn your lousy soul to hell!-what do you mean by running off and not letting me know where you are? Of all the filthy, flea-bitten-"
"Pipe down!"
The timid-little-girl voice returned. "Aye, aye, Skipper," it said uncertainly.
"Where I go and when I go and how long I stay are none of your business. Your business is to pilot and to keep house, that's all."
I heard a sniffle, exactly like a small child sniffing back tears. "Yes, Boss."
"You were supposed to be alseep. I put you to bed myself."
"Somebody woke me. A strange lady."
"That was a mistake. But you used bad language to her."
"Well...I was scared. I really was, Boss. I woke up and thought you had come home...and you weren't anywhere around, not anywhere. Uh...she told on me?"
"She conveyed your message to me. Fortunately she did not understand most of your words. But I did. What have I told you about being polite to strangers?"
"I'm sorry, Boss."
"Sorry doesn't get the cows milked. Now adorable Dora, you listen to me. I'm not going to punish you; you were wakened by mistake and you were scared and lonely, so we'll forget it. But you shouldn't talk that way, not to strangers. This lady- She's a friend of mine, and she wants to be your friend, too. She's a computer-"
"She is?"
"Just as you are, dear."
"Then she couldn't hurt me, could she? I thought she was inside me, snooping around. So I yelled for you."
"She not only couldn't, she would never want to hurt you." Lazarus raised his voice slightly. "Minerva! Come in, dear, and tell Dora who you are."
My helpmeet's voice, calm and soothing, said, "I'm a computer, Dora, called 'Minerva' by my friends-and I hope you'll call me that. I'm terribly sorry I woke you. I'd be scared, too, if someone woke me like that." (Minerva never has been "asleep" in the hundred-odd years she's been activated. She rests each part of herself on some schedule I don't need to know-but she herself is always awake. Or awake so instantly whenever I speak to her as not to matter.)
The ship said, "How do you do, Minerva. I'm sorry I talked the way I did."
"I don't remember it, dear, if you did. I heard your skipper say that I transmitted a message from you to him. But it's erased, now that it's been transmitted. Private message, I suppose."
(Was Minerva truth-saying? Until she came under Lazarus' influence I would have said that she did not know how to lie. Now I'm not sure.)
"I'm glad you erased it, Minerva. I'm sorry I talked to you that way. Boss is sore at me about it."
Lazarus interrupted. "Now, now, Adorable-stop it. We always let water over the bridge lie where Jesus flang it; you know that. Will you be a good girl and go back to sleep?"
"Do I have to?"
"No. You don't even have to place yourself on slow time. But I can't come to see you-or even talk to you-earlier than late tomorrow afternoon. I'm busy today and will be house hunting tomorrow. You can stay awake and bore yourself silly any way you choose. But if you whomp up some fake emergency to get my attention, I'll spank you."
"But, Boss, you know I never do that."
"I know you do do that, little imp. But if you bother me for anything less than somebody trying to break into you or you catching on fire, you'll regret it. If I can figure out that you've set yourself on fire, you'll catch it twice as hard. Look, dear, why don't you at least sleep whenever I am asleep? Minerva, can you let Dora know when I go to sleep? And when I wake up?"
"Certainly, Lazarus!"
"But that doesn't mean you can bother me when I'm awake, Dora, other than for real emergencies. No surprise drills- this is not shipboard routine; we're dirtside and I'm busy. Uh...Minerva, how's your time-sharing capacity? Do you play chess?"
I put in, "Minerva has ample share-time capacity."
But before I could add that she was Secundus Champion, Unlimited Open Handicap (with a handicap of Q, Q's B, & K's R) Minerva said: "Perhaps Dora will teach me to play chess."
(Well, Minerva had certainly learned Lazarus' rule for telling the truth selectively. I made note that I must have a serious private talk with her.)
"I'd be glad to, Miss Minerva!"
Lazarus relaxed. "Fine. You gals get acquainted. So long till tomorrow, Dorable. Now beat it."
Minerva notified us that the yacht was no longer patched in, and Lazarus relaxed. Minerva dropped back to her record-keeping role, and kept quiet. Lazarus said apologetically, "Don't be put off by her childish manners, Ira; you won't find a sharper pilot, or a neater ship's housekeeper, between here and Galactic Center. But I had reasons for not letting her grow up in other ways, reasons that won't apply when you take over as her master. She's a good girl, she really is. It's just that she's like a cat that jumps into your lap the instant you sit down."