"But that's the second time it's happened."
"She may have some weakness internally. There may be something which she cannot digest." "Was it fish again?"
"No. Oddly enough. It was stew. All the others were all right. I had some myself. It was very good."
"You don't think she's in a nervous state, do you? That could have this effect."
"That's what I mentioned to the doctor. She must miss her sister."
"Although she was always more friendly with Charlotte than she was with Fiona."
"Well, blood is thicker than water. I think she may feel restless. It's a pity Fiona doesn't bring that husband of hers to the Hall and make it all normal. I think that would be a help."
"I am sure it would and perhaps she will in time."
"We'll watch Eugenie and see if we can find out what is upsetting her."
"Yes, we'll do that."
When I took my afternoon ride I met Jason Verringer. He had evidently been waiting to catch me.
I said: "Good day," and galloped on. But he was beside me.
"Slow down," he said. "I want to talk to you."
"I have no wish to talk to you," I flung over my shoulder.
He brought his horse directly in front of mine so that I had to slow down.
"I've had enough of this," he said angrily. "How long is it since I've seen you?"
I felt an excitement grip me and realized afresh how much I enjoyed my battles with him. He might subdue me through his greater physical strength but never mentally. I was a match for him and I couldn't help revelling in making that clear.
"Did you expect me to call? Leave my card with grateful thanks."
"My dearest Cordelia, how wonderful it is to be with you again! I have been so bored ... so wretched ..."
"I have always believed that you are prone to self pity. I have to get back to school now."
"You have just come out."
"It is such a short break."
"I hear you have some new and very charming friends. The Markhams. I know the name. City bankers. A very respectable family."
"How knowledgeable you are!"
"I make a point of knowing what you are doing." "You waste your time for it can be of no importance to you."
"Stop it. You know it is of the utmost importance. Let us go into the woods. We can tic up our horses and we can talk comfortably."
"You must think me very gullible if you think I would ever put myself in a vulnerable position with you around."
"Are you never going to forget?"
"Never."
"If you had not been so unadventurous it could have been the turning point. I could have shown you what you are missing."
"You showed me very clearly. That is why I am asking you not to try to see me again alone. I know that, because of the school, a certain amount of contact is necessary and unavoidable. But I want no more than that."
"Of course you had a wonderful summer holiday, didn't you?"
"I did."
"I heard through Eugenie."
"Teresa has been talking, has she?"
"I understand this banking fellow has all the virtues. I heard he is something of a paragon."
"That would be Teresa's version. Teresa is inclined to glorify the people whom she likes."
"And vilify those she doesn't."
"It's a habit of the Young."
"Cordelia, do stop this. We must talk. It is no use your trying to pretend you are indifferent to me. Do you think I don't know how you feel? If you'd stop being so restrained and were natural, you'd come to me right away. It's what you want. But you are so under control ... so much the schoolmistress. But we're not in the classroom. We're two living creatures ... a man and a woman, and the most natural thing in the world is for us to be together.
"You don't understand me in the least."
"But I do. You want me ... me. I am the one for you, and you are fighting against it all the time. Why? Because respectability is standing beside you, urging you not to become involved with a man who may have helped one woman to her death and murdered another because he found her a nuisance. You listen to gossip. You accuse me ... when all the time you want me. I could show you that you want me as much as ... or almost ... as I want you."
I was afraid of him when he talked like that. Why did I stay here with him? Why did he excite me as he did? Was there something in what he said?
He went on: "You believe I killed my wife ... an overdose of laudanum ... so easy to administer. And then the other ... strangulation ... a blow on the head ... and then I buried her body in the woods ... no, I threw it into the fish ponds. That was the better idea. It was done by a member of my family before. In spite of this ... the gossip, the scandal and your lack of faith, you want me. What could be a stronger indication than that? You turn away from me, but you can't hide the truth. You wanted me in the Devil's Den. You were longing for me. You wanted me to force you. Then you could have come to terms with your conscience. But old Respectability was standing by your side. `Escape', he said. `Break the window. Leap out.' Anything that dear old Respectability should be satisfied. Do you think that would have stopped me?"
"Yes. It did." I laughed because I couldn't help it and he laughed with me.
He went on: "Oh, Cordelia, you are throwing away what you want most. If you reject me you will regret it ail your life. This knight in shining armour ... this Galahad, this symbol of purity, this miserable banker who always adds his figures correctly and has never had a single mistress and is without sin and stain ... do you think he is your sort?"
I was laughing again. "You are quite ridiculous," I said. "I am sure he would be amused to hear himself so described. Surely there is nothing to be despised in adding up figures correctly, and I should imagine there is a certain amount of that involved in running an estate. You seem very anxious to marry me off. I might tell you that it has not been suggested, and I am surprised that you listen to schoolgirls' tattle."
"The proposal will come. Bankers always know exactly how long to wait and how to get the right answer."
"Admirable people," I said.
"Oh, I am tired of your schoolmistress attitude to life. You are afraid to live ... afraid of scandal."
"Which you never were. You see how different we are. We should never match."
"Not like you and your banker. Precise, conventional, the household accounts always in order, making love every Wednesday night, having four children, that being the correct number. You're laughing. You're laughing ail the time at me. You're happy with me, aren't you?"
"Goodbye," I said, and galloped away in the direction of the school.
It was true in a way. If I was not entirely happy with him, I was exhilarated as with no one else. No, I was not happy with him; but on the other hand I was not happy away from him.
It would be better if I never saw him alone. I would shut him right out of my mind. I would remember those peaceful days on the farm. I went straight to my room to change for my class.
Elsa was standing on the stairs, a duster in her hand, outside my room.
"Good afternoon, Miss Grant," she said with her familiar smile.
"Good afternoon, Elsa."
I was about to walk past when she said: "Miss Grant, is Eugenie Verringer all right?" "Eugenie? Why?"
"Well, she's been iii, hasn't she? She's been iii twice. I was worried about her."
"She's all right. It was only bilious attacks."
"Oh, I'm glad. You get fond of some of the girls ... like I did at Schaffenbrucken. There was you and the French girl and that German one and that other English girl."
"Lydia," I said. "Lydia Markham. You'll be sorry to hear she was killed in a skiing accident."
She clutched the door and looked really disturbed. "Not that Lydia ..."
"Yes. I discovered it only the other day. Her brother came to see me and told me all about it. She was married."