“He got a haircut and a new outfit. That’s it. You only learn about his life when you visit him at work, because his life is work.” Logan answered for me, probably – hopefully – not realizing how his statement was true in more than one way. Claire’s ostensive interest seemed to be satisfied with that as well. So much for the perceived genuine interest from just a few seconds earlier.
“Aren’t you a little young to already be a workaholic?” Grandpa chuckled. “But I can appreciate young people thinking about their future!”
“I’m with Mom on that one!” Maggie chimed in cheerfully. “She told me about walking in on you at that gym and how you changed. But actually seeing it myself?” She had placed her hand on my upper arm and was feeling my biceps, looking me up and down. “I’m impressed, little cousin! You also became a lot taller since the last time we got together.”
“Thanks.” I replied, smiling at her. That is, until Logan felt the need to add his opinion.
“Too bad only his muscles can be enlarged by training.” came his quiet, pitying comment while throwing me a nasty smirk, reminding Maggie of the origins of ‘Tiny Tim’.
It earned him a stern look from Aunt Danielle, but it had the effect I expected and Logan hoped for. Maggie removed her hand from my arm, gave me a sympathetic look, and walked away without a further word.
For a tenth of a second, I imagined grabbing him by his hair and smashing his face into the counter edge. I wouldn’t do it, of course. The knowledge that I could do it was enough to remind myself that, despite him not knowing it, I was the bigger person. I could have started an argument with him, telling him and the rest of the family that I was perfectly average. But then again, that was exactly what I didn’t need. If the only way to get any kind of closeness and compassion out of my own family was to show them my grown dick, then I didn’t want any of it.
“Still wondering why I’d rather not be here?” I asked John with a raised eyebrow, before walking back into the kitchen without giving him the chance to actually answer.
The conversations – or at least the ones involving me – stopped, until we were all sat down to eat. Us four kids on one long side of the table, and the parents and grandparents opposite us with John at the head of the table, since it was his house. This meant that I had John on my left, Danny opposing me, and Ava to my right. I could see Logan’s hand on her thigh. The entire time I was thinking about one thing: Why the fuck did it seem like Logan was running interference whenever someone showed even the faintest interest in me or got close to me? Before I could contemplate that further, however, John had a genius idea.
“You know, we never really followed the proper protocol for Thanksgiving dinners. So, everyone should tell us what you are thankful for this year.” he smiled, fixing me with an expectant look. His wife immediately joined in from across the table, making it clear to me that this was by no means a spontaneous idea John just had. They wanted me to start! I knew they wanted to give me an opportunity to engage with the family, but they still didn’t understand the gravity of the whole situation I was in. What was I supposed to say here!?
My Jeep? I wasn’t thankful for that, I worked hard to earn it! And even then, it was a borderline junker that was in danger of breaking down with any drive that lasted longer than two hours.
My filled bank account? Again, I worked for that. And even then, I only worked so hard because I had nothing else in my life.
That the bullying in school stopped? I made that stop! And even then, only the physical assaults stopped. Am I supposed to be thankful for only being called names and made fun of?
Tess? Well, Tess I was thankful for. But even then ... There was that small problem with our age difference, killing every chance of it ever leading anywhere.
What did I have that I could truly be thankful for? I completely blanked.
Aunt Danielle saw my expression grow more somber by the second as I thought about what to say. And when I glanced up to signal someone else to start, I noticed she looked worried. She didn’t expect me to have such a hard time with this. As the realization settled in that I really couldn’t think of something to truly be thankful for, her expression changed again. She looked kind of ... afraid. As I looked around the table, they all seemed to be waiting for me to start talking. I resigned myself to just being thankful for their cooking, but Uncle John spoke up again and listed exactly the only four points I had just dismissed.
“Come on, Tim. I happen to know a few nice things that happened to you this year. You got yourself a nicely paying Job, a fun Jeep, got very ‘proficient at kicking ass’ as Bill phrased it, and, most important of all, landed yourself the lovely Tess.”
Most of the people at the table reacted to some part of that reminder. Aaron’s ears twitched hearing John mention the ‘nicely paying’ job. Grandpa released a disapproving “Hmpf!” when the Jeep was mentioned. Maggie seemed to be interested in the ass kicking part. Claire and Ava seemed to perk up at hearing the name of Tess. Then something happened that I hadn’t anticipated. Just as Ava turned towards me to ask about Tess, I saw Logan squeeze her thigh and lean in close to her.
“So, money, big car, macho demeanor and eye candy. All four clichés of compensating for ‘something’ in one go.” he whispered, just loud enough for everyone to hear.
Just like with Maggie before, it earned him a stern look from Aunt Danielle and Grandma this time, but he got what he wanted. Whatever interest Ava may have had in inquiring about Tess was gone. When it looked like Claire was about to take the opportunity to ask me, he continued by telling us what he was thankful for.
“I’m thankful for spending this time with my loving family, before going off to college!” he proclaimed.
Once again, I almost puked a little into my mouth. He also didn’t see the irony in what he just said about his “loving” family. But with that, all attention was on him and his application at UT Austin. I finally found something to be thankful for when Claire complained how it was too far away for him to commute from home. When I learned that “too far away” was in actuality just roughly two hours of driving, I simply closed my eyes and waited for them to be done with it.
Dinner after that was like usual. I answered when directly spoken to, mostly by Danielle and John, but didn’t want to engage much more. Until Danielle started her next scheme.
“So, any plans for Ava’s birthday?” she asked nobody specifically.
“Oh, nothing special, yet. I’ll probably just meet up with a few friends.” Ava answered.
“We’ll make it special, like always.” added Logan, squeezing her leg again.
“Must be a pain if your birthday is so close to the Holidays.” Danielle specified.
So that was what she was planning. Hinting at someone else who was born even closer to a Holiday than Ava, namely Thanksgiving, who’s birthday they forgot about. I gave her an angry look and, to her credit, she looked a little embarrassed seeing it. What the hell was she trying to accomplish? Did she not pay attention to how the rest of the evening had played out so far? Luckily, or not, my being was so far removed from their minds, they never made the connection. So, John tried yet another angle.
“Tim! Tell me, why a Jeep as your first car?” he asked, with clear emphasis on ‘first car’. I suspected he wanted to hint at the fact that the first cars my two siblings had, were gifts for their sixteenth birthdays. I thought about throwing my turkey at him, but I could use this opportunity to, at least partly, refute Logan’s claims about me wanting to compensate for a small dick.
“Wasn’t really looking for a Jeep specifically.” I answered quickly before Logan could inject himself into the conversation, to which I heard Grandpa let out an approving “Hmph”. “I needed a car to get to work but didn’t really know what else for. So, something cheap and maybe fun. That’s what I looked for.”