“I’m sorry it’s so late” Aaron suddenly said after dinner, as he handed me a little envelope. “I admit, we really didn’t know what to get you. I hope this is Okay.”
I looked at him slightly confused but interested. Then I opened the envelope, and my interest was replaced by utter disappointment. They actually did it! They actually got me a $100 Amazon voucher!
“Wow ... thanks.” I replied in obvious disappointment. “What’s this for?”
They shared a short look, then Claire answered.
“Honey, we’re sorry we forgot your birthday. I promise we’ll do better.”
It was remarkable how sincere she sounded while handing me a present that proved, yet again, how prevalent their disregard for me was.
“Sure. Forgive me if I don’t hold my breath. You had the same resolve last year, after all.” I responded, as I dropped the envelope back on the table, making sure they knew how little it was appreciated. I fully planned on just leaving it there when it was time to leave for the parents’ house again.
“Kiddo, I know it’s coming late.” Grampa said, before throwing a disapproving side glance at Aaron. “And I admit, it’s not what I would call an especially thoughtful gift. But they are trying. Can you at least not dismiss them completely?”
I looked at him in disbelief.
“Look, I understand that you probably don’t know why this is the most thoughtless and borderline insulting ‘gift’ they could’ve possibly come up with, and once again proves how they never thought about the shit they put me through. But even you should realize by now that I have damn good reasons to blow them off, so why shouldn’t I?” I asked him.
“Because family is supposed to support each other!” Aunt Danielle proclaimed, in a voice that, halfway through saying it, sounded like she realized how utterly ridiculous this statement sounded when it was directed at me.
It was exactly the wrong thing to say to me at that moment. I was already well on my way to talk myself into rage, and decided to set things straight and make sure everybody knew where we stood.
“Let’s clarify this for you all, since you seem to purposefully ignore what’s going on in this ... family.” I started, looking from one face to the other, so they knew I was talking about all of them. “For four years, I’ve been treated like unwanted garbage by each and every one of you! For years, you either ridiculed and humiliated me for no other reason than your own fucking amusement, or you all straight up ignored my existence. You like to claim to be a psychologist, Aunty. Did it ever occur to you to warn them what effects it could have on an insecure, thirteen-year-old boy, if people insist on constantly making fun of his penis’ size? And don’t you fucking dare tell me you didn’t know about it, because I damn well remember you being around!”
She looked apologetic, but didn’t say anything. So, I turned my head to look at Claire and Aaron before I continued.
“How many fucking times did I literally beg you all to stop? You gonna tell me you never noticed the effect it had on me? When I basically locked myself in my room, just staying in bed for days without eating, before I started stress eating like a pig? Aunty, what does that sound like to you?”
I knew that I had developed depression back then. And they really didn’t care. Or, if they did, they didn’t show it. Going by the weird questions I was asked by Granny the day she showed up at my apartment, they seemed to finally suspect that my mind was still not exactly in a good place. And that it just got worse after Tess’ death.
“Are you aware that I’m seventeen and never had a real girlfriend? That’s because my oh-so-loving family made me the laughingstock, and painted me the target for bullies, in every social circle they had access to. If I tried to ask a girl out, she would laugh in my face because of my micropenis! Because fucking Princess over there absolutely had to tell the whole student body about it as soon as I stepped foot into her school, making the entire Cheer team ridicule me on a daily basis.” I said, as I pointed at Ava, who looked like she wanted to vanish when she saw the look Claire and the grandparents gave her. Noticing Claire’s glare set me off even more. “Don’t look at your daughter like that, Claire! ‘This is Tim, the smallest in the family!’. Remember that shit before you try to scold anyone else about that!”
A Hearing this, Claire’s face showed confusion at first, then recognition, before it finally morphed in embarrassment. Then I pointed at Logan.
“And of course, your fucking Golden Boy wasn’t to be outdone either, but, being the man he truly is, he didn’t stop at mean jokes. He stood by and watched his football team beat the shit out of me after stealing my phones and wallets!”
“Baby, I had no idea!” Claire pleaded.
“OF COURSE YOU FUCKING KNEW!” I shouted back, causing her to cringe. “You’ve SEEN me come home bleeding and bruised, every fucking day! You paid the bills whenever I had to see a doctor afterwards! And until your fucking husband and son told you how this is a ‘necessary experience for a boy to grow some balls’, you even knew it was serious enough to call the school about it! But you went along with their decision to NOT help! Think back to why I had to get a job in the first place! Because you refused to keep paying to replace the stolen phones! And because you refused to pay for my textbooks, after one of their pranks had them covered in horseshit!”
When Aaron remembered, he seemed to finally realize what damage he had caused with this.
“But ... Baby...” Claire started in a desperate voice, while openly crying now. “We won’t ... I promise! We’ll never do it again!”
“Oh how nice of you! You still haven’t realized the extent of the damage you’ve caused, have you? I had to ask John for a reference for a real job because I got fired from the student job I had first. I couldn’t work a single shift without some assholes somehow recognizing and throwing dick jokes at me. Or tripping me while I was carrying plates. And it wasn’t even just other students. There were also a few of your friends in the mix!” I said, gesturing to Claire and Aaron. “It caused so many disturbances that the owner of the Diner had to let me go. So THANK YOU for FINALLY stopping to humiliate and verbally abuse your own fucking child! Good luck getting everyone in the school and your friends to stop as well! Maybe your favorite shrink can finally do her damn job, and help YOU to get YOUR shit together, instead of demanding me to simply forget about all this crap!”
Claire looked devastated. She never thought about what she had really done to me. She had realized they neglected me, but she apparently never understood the reasons for why I had distanced myself from them before the neglect became a problem.
“And now you pull this shit!” I spat those words out while grabbing the envelope from the table and waving it in Aarons direction. “So, let me get this straight. I pay rent, while your other two kids live rent-free. I bought my own car and pay for its insurance and gas, while your other two kids got their cars bought and paid for, including fucking gas money! I pay for my groceries myself, because most of the time you don’t remember me when cooking, while your other two kids get whatever the fuck they want. I even pay for my own damn clothes! I ask you for NOTHING anymore! Still, over the weeks since Golden Boy left for college, you felt entitled to more than TWO THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS from MY hard earned savings, to pay for your favorite son’s shit! And then, you present me with a $100 voucher, and call it a fucking gift!? Give me twenty-one more of these, preferably in cash, and THEN you can think about giving me any money as a present!”
Everyone but Aaron, Claire and Ava stared in shock. I think, even after I had pointed out the highlights to the grandparents, they still only accepted exactly those highlights. None of them had any idea just how big the rift in our family really was, or how far removed from our relationship as parent and child we had become. None of them had ever realized how lost I had felt in this family for years.