It had turned out to be a very long night, and knowing that Kristen wouldn’t be there for me in the morning made it seem even longer. I had tossed and turned all night, calling myself a monster. I thought about all the girls that I had taken advantage of, and what a rotten scoundrel I turned out to be, thanks to those damnable tickets.
I had originally rationalized my using those tickets, telling myself that I just wanted learn about sex. Up until that night that Merry had come into my room, I had never really seen a naked female in my life.
Of course, if that was all that I was interested in, I could have satisfied myself by looking at Playboy or Penthouse magazine, or that new magazine that some of the boys had whispered about, Hustler. But in the privacy of my own bedroom, I had to admit that my justification was phony.
I had to admit that I was interested in learning about sex from first hand experience. But, again, I could have, and probably should have, found some way to find somebody willing to do the things that I had wanted.
Instead, I took girls without their consent. I inspected their bodies, I made them give me oral sex, and I touched them in ways that they would not have approved, had they been consulted. I did so freely, and, at the time, completely without remorse.
Patty and Kristen both gave themselves to me willingly. But in both cases, I had already had those girls undress in front of me and do things without their consent.
When I had found out what I had managed to do to Kristen, I had hit a low point in my life. But Kristen, instead of hating me, fell in love with me. And somehow, I guess I had convinced myself that the same would probably hold true with Patrice and all the other girls that I had taken advantage of.
Now, I realized that Kristen — and Patty, to a lesser extent — was an exception and not the rule.
To make things right with Patrice, I told her flat out what I had done. I had been so sure of myself and that things would work out, that I didn’t consider any other possible outcome.
Now, I was stuck with the realization that I may have lost Patrice as a friend forever. And, I also realized that I could easily lose Wendy and Camille as well.
My mom noticed that things were different with me when I was at the breakfast table. She tried to talk to me, but I only gave her one or two word answers. She didn’t press the issue, and I ate my breakfast mostly in silence, and cleaned up my dishes afterward.
Kristen picked me up for school, and I was silent the entire trip, despite Kristen trying to get me to talk. She sensed my mood, and knew that I was feeling terrible about Patrice.
I saw frustration in her face as she pulled into the school parking lot. I left the car, forgetting to kiss Kristen good-bye, and headed off to class.
I thought about the previous day, when Camille had walked into the boy’s locker room and had gotten me excused from class to help take Patty to the airport. I had never skipped any classes at school before, and found that it seemed very easy.
I didn’t have the heart to go to homeroom, and walked out of one of the side doors to the school, and walked the mile and a half back to my house.
My mother wasn’t home, probably doing some shopping with Aunt Peggy. If she came home early, I’d just fake some sort of sickness. I also realized that Kristen had made plans for this evening, and I hadn’t yet told them to my mother. Damn! But I was feeling so terrible, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything, even with my lovely blonde Goddess. If the truth be told, I didn’t think I’d be much fun tonight. Kristen and I had wanted tonight to be special, and I didn’t think that I’d be able to hold up my end.
I went into my room, and lay in bed, exhausted from not really sleeping the previous night. I cried myself to sleep.
In the middle of some dream (I don’t really remember what it was), I felt a familiar sensation. I was being sucked. I opened my eyes groggily and looked down, seeing Kristen’s lovely blonde hair on my stomach.
"Kris," I said sullenly. "I asked you not to come here this morning."
Kristen dropped my penis from her mouth and looked up at me. "I didn’t. It’s afternoon now."
"Afternoon?" I said, taken by surprise.
"You were snoring," Kristen said.
"How’d you get in here?"
"You left the front door unlocked. I know the layout of the house. So does Patrice."
"Patrice?" I said. "Huh?"
"Hello, Jim."
Patrice’s voice came from across the room. I turned toward her, and I guess I blushed as I realized that I was naked from the waist down in front of her.
"Er… hi," I said.
"The two of you have some talking to do," Kristen said, getting up off my bed. "I’ll be downstairs, fixing myself some tea."
I watched in utter astonishment as my girl friend walked out of my room while she left me half naked with another girl.
Neither one of us spoke for a minute or two. I didn’t even move to pull up my pants. Patrice continued standing where she was, looking me in the eyes.
It was Patrice that got up the nerve to speak first. "I’m sorry I slapped you last night. It was… I don’t know… it was an instinctive reaction and I shouldn’t have hit you."
"Well," I said. "I deserved it. I’m a monster."
Patrice didn’t try to argue the point.
There was another awkward silence for a minute. Patrice looked like she was waiting for me to say something. "Once again, Patrice, I’m sorry for taking advantage of you."
Again, there was no answer from Patrice.
What more could I tell Patrice? I had run out of things to say.
Finally, Patrice said, "Kristen loves you. I mean she really loves you. She hates to see you hurt."
I nodded. I knew that Kristen loved me. Almost to the point to being a bit obsessive about it, but she truly loved me.
Patrice continued. "Kristen told me she was so proud of you for telling me yesterday. She had known, but had sort of promised to keep it a secret. I was even mad at her for not telling me."
Kristen? She was proud of me for taking advantage of Patrice? This was very difficult for me to swallow. "No, Patrice. Kristen can’t possibly be proud of me. I’m terrible." All of a sudden, I flashed back to when I was in Wendy’s bathroom, trying to come up with nasty words to describe myself. I forced my mind back to the issue at hand, though. I instinctively knew that this was a very important conversation.
Patrice shook her head. "What you did was horrible, Jim. And, I can’t tell you truthfully that I’m not still angry about what you did."
I nodded. I had suspected as much.
"But Kristen was right," Patrice said. "You didn’t have to tell me. It took real guts to do that."
Patrice finally said, "Look. I mistreated you for about five years. I’m terribly sorry about that, but you were nice enough to forgive me. But aren’t you still angry at what I did to you? Calling you a loser and all those other things? Totally ignoring you when you talked to me?"
"Well… yeah…"
"But Kristen told me something today," Patrice said quickly. "She said that she had nightmares afterward about what you did to her, and whatever it is that happened the next day. But she totally forgave you. She said that friends forgive each other. And, now that she’s feeling better, she says that the nightmares have mostly gone."
This actually sounded hopeful. I nodded, urging Patrice to continue.
"But, you know… I had a dream a week or so ago. Just the one dream, but it was vivid. It was about you. I was sorry for treating you and your friends so rotten. Anyway, as a punishment, you gave me a choice of a spanking, a blow job, a fuck, or having you turn me into a whore."
This sounded familiar. But I hadn’t explained that part to Patrice yesterday — nor to anybody else. It hadn’t seemed important to me, actually. Did Patrice actually remember that?