Shung stood against the wall behind Achan's chair, refusing to sit. Achan picked at his food, pondering what words might convince Sparrow to remain friends. He couldn't let anything inappropriate sneak into his confession and scare her away.
Sir Gavin and Sir Caleb approached the high table. Sir Gavin sat to Achan's left. Sir Caleb stepped over the bench on Achan's other side.
"Your Highness, did you really accost that poor girl? Kurtz won't stop talking about it." Sir Caleb pulled his other leg over the bench and reached for the pitcher of water.
"It was but one kiss." Achan straightened. "Two, actually. No doubt Kurtz has stretched whatever he saw."
Sir Caleb humphed and bowed his head.
Achan waited for Sir Caleb to finish his thanks. "I do hope someone has informed Kurtz that Sparrow is a woman. I hate to think what the man might be thinking otherwise."
Sir Caleb raised an eyebrow. "Kurtz is so informed."
Achan picked up a slice of bread and tapped the crust on the tabletop, feeling the need to explain further. "I liked Sparrow the boy a great deal. When I discovered the little fox was a woman…it stabbed. She lied to me. But even as a woman, Sparrow was Sparrow. I couldn't help but think how perfect everything would be if she and I could…" He drew in a heavy sigh. "I know, I know. I'm the biggest fool in Er'Rets."
"Not the biggest." Sir Gavin sipped from his mug. "I'm sure if I searched very hard I could find a bigger one."
"Trust you to be honest. I only felt…when she said she might be leaving…" Achan stirred his porridge, groping for the right words. "I don't want to lose her friendship."
Sir Gavin inhaled over his mug of tea. "She will always be your friend, lad."
Achan hoped that was true. He'd sensed deception in her when she'd claimed she didn't love him. Why would she lie? Did she think him insincere? He wished he hadn't thought about the mistress thing. That had been daft.
Sir Caleb propped his elbow on the table and stared at Achan. "What's the point for you, Your Highness? Of all this. Raising an army. Fighting Esek?"
"Arman called me to be king. You said it has to be me."
"Go back further. Before you heard Arman. What did you live for?"
"Not much. The hope of Gren, I suppose. Though I always knew her father would never allow it."
"So you lived every day, hoping for what you couldn't have. And when it was lost, what did you live for then?"
What could be the point of such questions? Didn't Sir Caleb already know all this? "To keep Gren safe. Esek threatened to harm her if I tried to leave his service."
"You sacrificed your freedom for her safety. That gave your life purpose. Every man must life for something, Your Highness. Serve a matchless cause beyond himself. Many live for the goal of riches, some for the love of a good woman, others for the affections of many. Some men live for their children or for the number of enemy soldiers they've killed in battle."
Sir Caleb paused to take a sip from his goblet. "Having lived longer than you, I'll tell you what I've learned. Though these causes are worthwhile and good, none will bring true, lasting satisfaction." Sir Caleb glanced at Sir Gavin.
The Great Whitewolf turned his mismatched eyes to Achan. "Only one cause has spurred my life, and it's the only one that follows a man into the Veil. I know Caleb serves the same cause."
Achan turned back to Sir Caleb. "Live for Arman, Your Highness. Serve him. He created you for a purpose. He's proud of who you are. He deserves your respect, your sacrifice, your service. Only he can bring you satisfaction and meaning in this life. No woman can do that-even if your every hope were granted. Live for Arman alone, and he'll give you the desires of your heart."
Achan tried to comprehend the idea of loving Arman more than anyone. Sparrow seemed to think he didn't follow Arman at all. "But he seems so far away. Like that temple." Achan pointed to the ceiling, toward the temple above the stronghold he still hadn't found time to visit.
"Aye, the stairs are high, and slippery," Sir Gavin said, "for I almost broke my neck climbing them this morning. But before I knew it, I'd reached the top. And what a view. Arman is always worth the climb, lad."
"But I never know when he'll answer me. I feel like I'm bothering him, like he's too busy."
"He hears every word you say, every thought you think. And he always answers, though sometimes his answer is 'no' or 'wait.' Live for him, Achan. Give him your trust."
"I will." Achan stood. "But first I'm going to speak with Sparrow and apologize for my recklessness. I hope she'll agree to remain friends."
Sir Gavin and Sir Caleb rose and bowed. Protocol for treating Achan like royalty in public. He still wasn't used to it.
Sir Gavin kept his head down, his curtain of white hair flanking his beard. "I fear Vrell has already gone, lad."
A savage rage swept over Achan. "What do you mean?"
"She left this morning. Sir Eagan agreed to escort her wherever she wanted to go."
Sir Eagan had betrayed him? "Why didn't you tell me?"
"She asked me not to."
"How is Sparrow going off with Sir Eagan alone following protocol?"
"Sir Eagan is trustworthy," Sir Caleb added.
Achan scowled at Sir Caleb. "And I'm not? Tell me where they went."
Sir Gavin frowned. "I cannot, for they didn't tell me."
"You lie."
"I never lie."
"You lied to me about Sparrow. Tell me what you know about her. You've always known more than anyone else."
"Achan. Calm yourself," Sir Caleb said. "You're acting irrationally. Moments ago you said you were going to revoke your proposal. All has worked out."
Achan gritted his teeth and reached out for Sparrow. Sparrow, what is this? You just leave?
He waited, wringing his hands. When she didn't answer, he tried to look into her mind. He felt her shields, strong and impenetrable as always. How did she do that? Sparrow!
Achan called to Sir Eagan next and received no answer. He lunged for Sir Gavin, slid his hands around Sir Gavin's neck, cradling the man's hairy cheeks with his thumbs. He stared into Sir Gavin's eyes. "You will tell me what I want to know." He tore into Sir Gavin's mind, seeking a conversation with Sir Eagan and Sparrow, but the knight seemed to know how to defend against such an attack, for Achan could find no shred of Sparrow in his thoughts. "Tell me!" He yelled so loud his throat seemed to rip.
"Achan." Sir Gavin gasped a breath of air. "This isn't what Arman would have for you."
"Your Highness!" Sir Caleb grabbed Achan's arm and pulled. "Please. He's an old man. This could kill him."
Do it, a boiling voice said. This man has betrayed you and deserves to die.
Achan withdrew instantly. Sir Gavin staggered back and fell onto the bench. His eyelids fluttered, his face pale and sweaty. Achan jerked free from Sir Caleb's grip and backed away, repulsed with his own temper, horrified to have again heard Hadad's voice, unable to use Darkness as an excuse this time.
"I'm sorry." He limped out of the great hall as fast as he could, clutching a hand to his arm to ease the ache. Sparrow, please don't do this. Just talk to me. Tell me where you are.
He climbed the tower stairs slowly, Shung, wisely silent, at his heels. Achan's temper rose the higher the stairs took him. Why did Sparrow not answer? Was she punishing him?
He limped to her chamber and fell on his knees beside her pallet, panting from fatigue. He placed his hand on the dent in her pillow. A jar sat in the middle of her bed, a red twine bow tied around the edge of the lid. A small scrap of parchment held three words in flowery script.