But seeing Youqing getting closer and closer to school age, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had some of the people in the village ask around to see if anyone was willing to raise a twelve-year-old girl. I told Jiazhen, “If a good family wants her, Fengxia will have an even better life than she has now.”
Jiazhen nodded, but her tears still fell. A mother’s heart is always a bit soft. I tried to convince Jiazhen to be a little more open-minded. Fate had dealt Fengxia a cruel hand, and I was afraid that in this life she was going to suffer the worst. But Youqing shouldn’t suffer all his life — only if we let him go to school would he have a good future. We couldn’t allow the kids to be set back by poverty. At least one of them should be able to have a better life one day.
The people in the village who had asked around about Fengxia came back saying she was a little too old; had she been a year younger there would have been a lot of families interested. Hearing that, we pretty much gave up on that idea. We never expected that a month later two different families would send messages saying they wanted our Fengxia. One family wanted her for their daughter, the other wanted her to look after an old couple. Jiazhen and I both thought that the family without a daughter was better. If they took Fengxia as their daughter they would love her and care for her more than the elderly couple would. We sent a verbal message for them to come take a look. The couple came, and after seeing Fengxia they really liked her, but as soon as they learned she couldn’t speak they changed their minds. The husband said, “She looks good, but. ”
Without finishing they politely left. Jiazhen and I had no choice but to let the other family take Fengxia. The other family didn’t care whether or not Fengxia could speak, just as long as she would work hard.
The day they came to take Fengxia away I was carrying my hoe, getting ready to go out to the field, and she immediately grabbed a basket and sickle to go with me. For years, whenever I went out to work in the field, Fengxia would always be by my side cutting grass; I had grown accustomed to having her with me. That day, when I saw her following me, I pushed her away so she would go back. She looked at me with her wide eyes. I put down my hoe and pulled her back to the hut. I took the basket and sickle out of her hands and threw them in the corner. She was still looking at me with her large eyes, not knowing that we had given her away. When Jiazhen gave her a crimson outfit to change into, she no longer looked at me, but just lowered her head and let Jiazhen help her change clothes. That outfit was made from the material of Jiazhen’s old cheongsam. As Jiazhen buttoned her up, Fengxia’s tears fell one by one onto her leg. Fengxia knew she was going to leave. I took my hoe and walked out. When I got to the door I said to Jiazhen, “I’m going out to the field. When they come to get Fengxia, you just let her go. Don’t come looking for me.”
When I got to the field, I took my hoe in hand and tried to get to work, but I just couldn’t get my energy up. Looking around and not seeing Fengxia there cutting the grass made me feel empty inside. Realizing that I would no longer have Fengxia there next to me as I worked the field, I could hardly stand it. I felt like all my energy had drained away. It was then that I saw Fengxia standing on the ridge, with a fifty-year-old man beside her holding her hand. Fengxia’s tears flowed down her face; she cried so hard that her body began to shake. Fengxia’s tears were silent. From time to time she’d raise her hand to wipe her eyes, and I knew she was doing it so she could see her daddy clearly. The man smiled to me and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her.”
Finishing his sentence, he tugged Fengxia away, and she left with him. As Fengxia’s hand was being pulled away, she kept her body twisted in my direction, so she could keep looking at me. Fengxia walked farther and farther away until I could no longer see her eyes, and after a while I couldn’t even see her arms, which she kept raising to wipe the tears from her eyes. By then I couldn’t take it — with my head cocked to one side, the tears began to fall. When Jiazhen came by I blamed her. “I told you not to let them come over. I told you not to let them come see me.”
Jiazhen said, “It wasn’t me. Fengxia wanted to see you.”
After Fengxia left, Youqing stopped listening to us. When Fengxia was taken away, Youqing just watched, not knowing what was going on. Only after Fengxia had gotten far away did Youqing scratch his head and slowly make his way home. I saw him looking over at me a few times, but he didn’t come over to ask what was going on. When he was still in Jiazhen’s stomach I had hit him, so he was scared of me.
Without Fengxia at the table during lunchtime, Youqing took two bites and refused to eat any more. His eyes moved back and forth from Jiazhen to me. Jiazhen said to him, “Hurry up and eat.”
He shook his little head, asking his mom, “And Sis?”
As soon as Jiazhen heard him she lowered her head and said, “You hurry up and eat.”
This little fellow put his chopsticks right down and loudly demanded that his mother tell him. “When is Sis coming back?”
I was already a mess with Fengxia leaving. When I saw Youqing going on like this, I hit the table and said, “Fengxia’s not coming back.”
Youqing was so scared his body shook. Then, seeing that I hadn’t really lost my temper, he twisted his mouth, lowered his head and said, “I want Sis.”
Jiazhen told him we had given Fengxia away to somebody else to save money so he could go to school. Hearing that Fengxia had been given away, Youqing opened his mouth and began wailing. He screamed through his tears, “I’m not going to school, I want Sis!”
I just ignored him, thinking, if he wants to cry then let him cry. I didn’t expect him to start up again: “I’m not going to school!”
His whining was starting to make me crazy. I yelled at him, “What the hell are you crying about?”
Youqing was terrified, and his body recoiled. When he saw me lower my head and go back to eating, he got up from his stool and walked over to the corner. Suddenly he screamed out again, “I want Sis!”
This time there would be no getting around a beating. I grabbed the broom from behind the door, walked over to him and said, “Turn around.”
Youqing looked at Jiazhen and obediently turned around with his two hands resting against the wall. I said, “Take off your pants.”
Youqing turned his head to look at Jiazhen, then after undoing his pants he turned around again to look at her. Seeing that his mom didn’t come to stop me, he got scared. As I raised the broom he timidly pleaded, “Daddy, please don’t hit me.”
His words made my heart go soft. Youqing hadn’t really done anything wrong. Fengxia had taken care of him since he was little. He and his sister had always been close, and it was only natural for him to miss her. I patted him on the head and said, “Hurry up and eat.”
Two months later, it came time for Youqing to go to school. The day Fengxia was taken away she wore a set of nice clothes, but when Youqing went to school he still had nothing but rags. As his mother, Jiazhen couldn’t help but feel terribly upset. She squatted down before him and tried to fix his clothes, pulling them here and patting them there.
“He doesn’t have a single nice outfit,” she said to me.
Who would have guessed that Youqing would now start up again? “I’m not going to school.”
Two months had already passed, and I thought he’d forgotten what had happened with Fengxia. But when the day came for him to go to school, he started up all over again. This time I didn’t lose my temper. I just patiently explained to him that we had given Fengxia away so he could have an opportunity to go to school, and only if he studied hard could he make it up to his sister. Youqing stubbornly stood up and raised his head.