To Sail Beyond The Sunset

I moved on to the next one. ‘Same situation, comme ci instead of comme ça. Cunnilingus. Another silly word, says Father; it's just a kiss. The sweetest kiss of all... unless you combine this one with the one we just looked ar, to make a sixty-nine. Soixante-neuf. Although there is much to be said for taking the two sorts of kisses at one rime, and concentrate.'

I turned the page. ‘Oh, oh! Here's one that Father did not care for.'

‘Me, too. I prefer girls.'

‘Yes, but you can do it to a woman, too. Father said that some day some man was going to want to do that to me... and that I should think about it ahead of time and be prepared to cope with it. He said that it was not immoral, or wrong, but that it was dirty and physically risky -‘

(This was in 1906, long before AIDS showed that buggery could be a special and deadly hazard.)

‘- but that if I got curious and just had to try it, make him use a sheath and get him to be ultra slow and extra gentle - or I would wind up buying fur coats for proctologists' wives.'

‘Seems likely. Next, please.'

‘Beloved -‘

‘Yes, Mo?'

‘If you want to do that to me, I'm willing. I'm not in the least afraid that you would hurt me.'

‘Thank you. You're a silly wench, but I love you. I'm not yet tired of your other hole. Next picture, please; there are people queued up for the second show.'

‘Yes, sir. I think this one is meant to be funny: hushand surprises wife playing happy games with the housewife next door - look at the expression on his face! Briney, I had never suspected that a woman could be so much fun until that time Jane made a grab for me. She's real cuddly. Or anything.'

‘Yes, I know. Or anything. So is Hal. Or anything.'

‘Well! I must have slept through something. This next one - Briney, I can't see why women would use dildoes when there are so many live, warm ones around, attached to men. Do you?'

‘They don't all have your opportunities, my love. Or your talents.'

‘Thank you, sir.' I moved on. ‘Cunnilingus again, but two women. Briney, why are mermaids used as a symbol of Lesbos?'

‘I don't know. What did your Father say?'

‘Just what you did. Oh, this next one does show something Father disapproves of. He says that anyone who mixes whips and chains, or either, with sex, is crazy as a pet coon and should be kept away from healthy people. Hmm, the next one is nothing special, just a different position, one that we've tried. Fun for variety, I think, but not for every day. And now - Oh, this one Father called, "the hetaera's examination, or three ways for a dollar." Do you think Annie Chambers' girls are examined this way? I hear that they are top quality this side of Chicago. Maybe New York.'

‘Look, my sweet, I know nothing of Madam Chambers, or her girls. I can't support both you and Annie Chambers, not even with the, help of the Foundation. So I don't patronise brothels.'

‘What do you do in Denver, Briney? Cancel that - under our agreement, I'm not supposed to ask.'

‘That wasn't in our agreement; of course you can ask. You tell me your bedtime stories and I'll tell you mine - then we'll play doctor. Denver... I'm glad you asked that. In Denver I met this young fat boy -‘

‘Briney!'

‘- who has the most gorgeous big sister, a grass widow a little younger than you are, with long slender legs, natural blonde, honey-coloured hair down to her waist, a sweet disposition, and big, firm tits. I asked her, "How about it?" ‘ Briney stopped.

‘Well? Go on. What did she say?'

‘She said no. Hon, in Denver I'm usually too tired for anything more adventurous than Mother Thumb and her four daughters. They are faithful to me in their own fashion and they don't expect me to take them out to dinner and a show first.'

‘Oh, piffle! What is the blonde's name?'

‘What blonde?'

I've just figured out how to get a message out via pixel. So, if you will excuse me, I'll get it ready at once so that I will have it ready the next time he shows up.

Chapter 9 - Dollars and Sense

Where is that damned cat?

No, no, cancel that. Pixel, Mama Maureen didn't mean that; she's just worried and upset. Pixel is a good boy, a fine boy; everybody knows that.

But, damn it, where are you when I need you?

As soon as we were settled into our new home we shopped for Briney's kitten, but not in pet shops. I'm not sure that there was such a thing as a pet shop in KC in 1906; I don't recall ever having seen one that far back... and I do remember that we bought goldfish at Woolworth's or at Kresge's, not at a pet shop. Special items for cats, such as flea powder, we bought at the Dog and Cat Hospital at 31 st and Main. But finding a kitten required asking the wind.

First I got permission to put a notice on the bulletin board at Nancy's school. Then I told our grocer that we were looking for a kitten, and left the same word with our huckster - a greengrocer who stopped his wagon in our block every weekday morning to offer fresh fruits and vegetables.

The Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company peddled its wares the same way but its Sales wagon called only once a week since it carried only tea and coffee, sugar and spices. But that meant it covered a larger area with more customers and therefore greater chances of finding kittens. So I gave their driver our telephone number, Home Linwood 446, and asked him to call me if he heard of a litter of kittens, and then (having asked a favour) I bought his special for the week, twenty-five pounds of sugar for a dollar.

A mistake - He insisted on carrying it in for me, asserting that twenty-five pounds was much too heavy for a lady... and I learned that what he really wanted was to get me alone. I evaded his hands by picking up Brian, Junior, a tactic Mrs Ohlschlager had taught me when Nancy was tiny. It works best with a small and very wet baby but any child small enough to pick up will throw a hopeful male off his stride and cool him down. Oh, it won't stop a crazy rapist, but most deliverymen (and plumbers, repairmen, etc.) are not rapists; they are simply ordinary rutty males who will go for it if offered. The problem is simply to turn him down firmly but gently, without causing him to lose face. Picking up a child does this.

It was bad judgement also because a whole dollar was too much of my household budget to tie up in sugar, and (worse) I did not have ant-proof storage for that much sugar... sol wound up spending another sixty cents on a sugar safe as big as my flour bin - which left me so short on cash a week later that I served fried mush for supper when my ‘plan ahead' called for ground beef patties. It was almost the end of the month, so it was serve mush or ask Briney for an advance... which I would not do.

With fried mush I served mo strips of bacon to Brian and one to me, and one strip, fried crisp, and crumbled, divided for Carol and Nancy. (Brian, Junior, still regarded Cream o' Wheat as a gourmet dish, so he got that plus what milk I had left in my breasts.) Fresh dandelion greens helped to fill out the menu, and their butter-yellow blooms I floated in a shallow dish as a centrepiece. (Can anyone tell me why such pretty flowers are considered weeds?)

It was a skimpy supper but I ended it with a substantial dessert I could make with what I had on hand, plus two cooking apples picked up cheap that morning from my huckster: apple dumplings with hard sauce.