“Obstructed airways. Booze and dentures, a deadly combo. Rapid chewing, laughing, drinking, talking: the ‘café coronary.’ And old brother Death. Or: partial obstruction. Our boy sounds like a crow. Say to him, ‘Can you speak?’ And say it like this: ‘Can you speeeeak?’ Victim clutches neck. There’s your answer. And now my dear rescuer, you are on your own. You don’t have any of the goodies! You don’t have the resuscitator, the inhalators, the oxygen. Rescuer, you are alone.
“Victim has both his hands on his throat. But maybe we know something. We go to our back blows, our manual thrusts. But death, my friends, is staring in the window. What if the victim is on the ground in shock? Can you turn him over as a unit? There are cuts on his face. Is his neck broken? You try artificial respiration, but you don’t know how to do it right. When you blow into his mouth, you hear air escaping but you don’t see the chest rise. Surprise! You’ve got a laryngectomy! Now what’re you going to do? Maybe you don’t inflate the lungs after a few tries but the stomach distends: a dead man can throw up on you! Maybe you’re lucky, a couple of puffs and you feel the compliance of the victim’s airway. You’re a hero. You were lucky. But we are not talking about luck here today. We are talking about making life … resume.”
With a sudden gesture, he sent the dummy floundering onto the floor. We were all in shock. And scared.
“Who would like to save this person who cannot speak, who cannot breathe, and whose heart is at a standstill?”
Albert Buckland stepped forward, pursing his lips and adjusting his pants.
“Ooh la la, is this what policemen and firemen do?” he asked.
Ted Contway, the instructor, smiled across the room at the assembled faces: half of them in the heart attack zone. Jack Dolan blew thoughtful plumes of deep lung smoke into the circle. He seemed to be in a rapture, as I was, thinking about — well, not being here anymore. Even though we all felt the drama of emergency, maybe we were hoping that Albert would louse things up and keep us from having to think about passing into the next world. At the same time, like in a play, we sort of believed in the dummy, which was a big rugged test item. We wanted the dummy to get better.
It was soon clear that Albert had managed to evade the general feeling. We could tell he thought this was a pretty dismal convocation. But he got right into it and straddled the dummy. “Don’t despise me, love,” he said. “I am but a man.” In a heartbeat, his pants were down, and it was a trial for the rest of us to see who least wanted to watch the assault.
We all ran out of the room and clustered in the reception area with the secretaries. I think we were actually afraid of Ted Contway, who had been almost like a minister bringing word to us of something better. It was shocking that one of our group plan would have acted like this.
There was a disturbance, almost a scuffle, in the boardroom. Albert Buckland came out in his overcoat and went straight through to the street. I tried to say something decent to Ted Contway when he came out. I told him that I thought we had all learned a lot. But he didn’t hear me.
“I’d like a paper towel,” he said. It was winter.
After lunch, I went over to my own office. I am a cattle trader and I was receiving a thousand head for a client’s warm-up lot, and there was paperwork, mostly brucellosis, Bang’s vaccination certificates, and brand inspections. Milk River range cattle going from the prairie to steroids to the fast-food lines.
Albert called me in midafternoon, and he was sober. “I got a room at the Murray,” he said. “Someone called Diana and told her what I did. I got pitched out. You’ve got to go over for me. Diana likes you. She knows you’ve done crazy things but she likes you. She’ll buy your story. Call me, I’ll be right here.”
There were narrow windows on the side of the Buckland front door. After the bell stopped ringing, the face of Diana appeared in the one on the right. She opened the door for me and I followed her into the drawing room. She sat down in a flamed silk armchair in the winter light that came through the curtain. Reflexively checking to see if I had tracked up the rug, I sat down and angled my Stetson between my knees.
“Where do I start?” I said. I could see she wasn’t going to budge. Diana’s features were immobilized and her mouth was a mark. I told her that no one wanted that class in the first place and that it had made everyone nervous. “Besides, we’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t.”
Diana adjusted her head in the light. The furnace turned on in the basement. I had this instant of hope that someone had pulled up. The curtains stirred faintly at the registers. Diana had not moved at all. I felt I couldn’t really face the situation the instructor wanted us to believe in. Finally, there was a bit of movement, a focusing of Diana’s gaze. She turned and looked straight at me.
“He fucked the dummy,” she said. I stood and said I thought I had better go. She didn’t respond to that. So, I went.
I called Albert, and he was drunk all over again.
“I didn’t get anywhere.”
“What did she say?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Hm. You have time for a bite to eat?” I realized that there was a difference between eating and getting something in your stomach but I accepted. I think I was starting to be irked with Albert.
The Sport was crowded and we were lucky to get seated. There were four doctors at one table and next to them a crowd of merry ranchers from up the valley. Next to us were two handsome couples in their seventies. In their faces was this old-time social excitement.
Albert reeled to his chair, counting the house with a magnanimous gaze. He looked anesthetized. We sat down.
“Do you know,” he said, “that I am the heir to Blair Castle in Scotland?”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I am the real Duke of Athole and a spurious cousin has stolen my castle.”
“I see.”
“And no one in this dump knows it!” he shouted. Heads jerked up. The Duke of Athole caught their faces and asked them if they even knew when Blair Castle was built. They didn’t.
“Twelve sixty-nine!” he bayed, flagging the barmaid. We got in two orders at once. I should’ve cut him off, but the prospect of more liquor calmed him. When the drinks came, Albert drank his immediately. I was trying to think how to get out of this wreck when one of the couples at the adjoining table stood to go. The woman, perhaps seventy-five years old, had a full-length coat which my friend the Duke of Athole sought to help her with. He held it up like a bullfighter’s cape.
“Why, thank you,” she said and backed a bit toward the armholes. The Duke lost his balance slightly. It seemed that her attempts to backstroke into the coat only flushed the Duke in the opposite direction. By the time they crossed the restaurant in this way, the woman was frantic and the owner of the restaurant had Albert by the arm. I wished he’d have beaten him within an inch of his life.
“Give the lady her coat,” said the owner, deftly trading him a drink. Albert downed it on his way back to the table. I hate discourtesy, and my appetite was shot. Albert stared at me from his secret place in the universe.
“I,” he said, “am going to be sick.” He got up and made his way to the rear, shoving people as he went. After a bit, I followed, hoping to find him dead, but instead I found him fervently embracing the base of the toilet, his chin on the seat. He was real sick.
I went back into the restaurant and got one of the doctors. I told him that Albert had a heart condition and that he was fibrillating to beat the band, on the verge of cardiac standstill. “Can you help?” I pleaded.