But the moment Takagi's name fell accidentally from my lips, I felt as though that respect was lost forever. A sudden change came over her face. I don't want to admit it was necessarily an expression of triumph, but without a doubt a kind of scorn flashed in her eyes that I had never seen there before. I stopped short like a man who has been unexpectedly slapped hard in the face.
"Are you that concerned about him?" She then burst into such a loud laugh that I wanted to cover my ears with my hands. I was given a sharp momentary humiliation. But I couldn't make a prompt reply.
Then she said, "You're a coward!"
I was equally startled by this attribute she had given me. I had half a mind to say, "You're the one who's the coward, deliberately inviting me where you didn't have to." But I restrained myself, thinking it too early to use against a young woman words as violent as hers were. She too remained silent after that. At last I merely asked, "Why?"
Her thick eyebrows moved then. She seemed to have interpreted this question as a cover-up of my weakness when it happened to be pointed out by someone, even though I was well aware of my own cowardice.
"'Why?' you ask! You yourself know why quite well!"
"No I don't. Tell me."
I thought of my mother downstairs, and I thought too that I knew only too well the tendency of young women to be carried away by emotion, so in order to mollify her into talking calmly, I spoke in a low, slow voice, which was almost unnatural under the circumstances. It seemed to make her all the more disgusted.
"If you don't know, you're a fool!"
Perhaps my face became paler than usual. I remember only that I fixed my eyes on her. I also remember that her eyes, fearing nothing, met mine head on at that moment, and both of our glances stopped there in silence for some time.
"To someone as lively as you, Chiyo-chan, an overly cautious person like me may naturally look like a coward. I know I'm extremely hesitant and don't have the courage to say what I have on my mind and put it into action. If you call me a coward for that, I have nothing to say against it, but. ."
"Who in the world would call such a person a coward!"
"But you despise me for that. I know quite well you do."
"It's you who despise me! I know that much better than you do!"
I saw no particular need to acknowledge her words, so I deliberately held back.
"You assume I'm a woman without learning, without intelligence, and beneath notice, and you despise me out and out in your mind!"
"It's the same thing as your belittling me for being dull. I don't mind your calling me a coward, but if you mean that I'm a coward in a moral sense, then you're wrong — at least as far as my conduct goes, I don't remember ever having done anything cowardly to you in a moral sense. If you use the word 'coward' where you should be calling me sluggish or irresolute, it sounds as if I were a person lacking in moral courage — no, rather, someone without any morals at all. That, I don't appreciate, so please mend your word. Or if I ever wronged you in the sense I've just mentioned, then don't hesitate to tell me what it was."
"Then I'll tell you what cowardice means," said Chiyoko, beginning to cry.
Until that moment I had looked on her as someone stronger than me. But I had only understood her strength as an incarnation of the womanly spirit coming solely from simple tenderness. However, the Chiyoko now revealing herself before me seemed to me nothing more than a vulgar woman, one quite common in the world, a woman bent on conquering. Without being moved by her tears, I merely waited, ready for whatever explanation came. I firmly believed that what would come from her lips would be nothing more than some sophistry to embellish her appearance.
She blinked her wet eyelashes a few times. "You're always sneering at me as if I were some silly, romping girl. You do not. . love me. You have no desire. . to be married to me. . "
"And for all that neither do you—"
"Just listen. You were going to say that it's the same on both sides, right? Well, all right. I'm not begging you to take me. Only why is it that you neither love me nor think of taking me for your wife. . and yet. ."
Here she suddenly faltered. I was not clever enough to guess what was going to follow. "And yet — what?" I said, half-urging her on.
"Why are you jealous?" she said, breaking through the barrier with a sudden force and crying even more.
I felt a burning sensation as the blood came rushing to my cheeks. She hardly seemed to notice.
"You're a coward. A moral coward. You've already had your doubts about my reasons for inviting you and your mother to Kamakura. That's already cowardly, but that's not the point. Why, having accepted my invitation, couldn't you make yourself agreeable as you usually do? My invitation to you turned out to be the same as having invited you to disgrace myself. You insulted a guest of my family, and the result is that you insulted me too."
"I don't remember insulting anyone."
"But you did. It's not a question of what you said or did — it's your attitude that's insulting. And even if it's not your attitude, it's in your heart."
"I don't have to put up with such prying and meddlesome criticism."
"A man can be so cowardly as to make that kind of worthless response. Takagi-san is broadminded enough to accept even someone like you because he's a gentleman. But you'd never be capable of accepting him— because you're a coward!"
6: Matsumot's Account
Matsumot's Account
I don't know what happened between Ichizo and Chiyoko after that last episode. Probably nothing of any real importance. At least as far as one can see from the outside, their relationship up to now doesn't seem to have changed at all from the earlier days. If you ask them about it, they'll offer a variety of views on the subject, but these are governed by their state of mind at the moment. So you may not be wrong in thinking they're telling plausible lies quite deficient in coherence, yet telling them as if they were of lasting value.
I also heard about that last incident between them— from both of them. It certainly didn't come from any misunderstanding on either side. Each of them believes in what they took each other to be, and the way they believe it is so natural that the collision they had is probably quite reasonable as well. Consequently, whether they are to get married or remain friends, there's no way to escape collisions of this kind, which must be regarded as the fate they were born to. In a way, however, the two of them are, unfortunately, quite attracted to each other. And it's dreadful when you realize that the way they're attracted has been dominated by a destiny no one has any authority over. They've formed themselves into a pitiable pair who, to phrase it in a neat epigram, meet to part and part to meet. I'm not certain you'll understand me when I say that if they do get married, the result will be equivalent to marrying in order to breed unhappiness, and if they don't get married, they'll feel discontented, as though they had remained unmarried only to continue their unhappiness. And so I think the wisest way is to let fortune take its course and let things develop directly through the hands of Nature. It will be all the worse for them if you or I poke our noses into the affair. As you know, I'm not a stranger to either Ichizo or Chiyoko. I've often been specifically asked by Ichizo's mother, my elder sister, for assistance or advice about their chances. But how can I arrange what is difficult to bring about even through heaven's own hands? After all, my sister has been dreaming her own impossible dream.