“You did this to me.” In my head I imagined saying this with cold steel in my voice, showing him how little I cared for what he’d done. How little power he had over me, and how little I regretted losing all he’d taken away. But that’s not how it came out.
It came out hysterical, like a child having a temper tantrum, my voice climbing higher, my fists balled. Only my eyes didn’t betray me, and only because they had no tears.
“You killed me!”
I could see it in her face: My mother was still waiting for him to deny it.
He didn’t.
“It was blackmail,” he said. He couldn’t even look at me. Instead he turned to Zo, stupid enough to think she would offer a safe harbor. She won’t help you, I thought, feeling almost sorry for him. And then he kept talking, and the sympathy leaked away. “There was some… unsanctioned behavior on my part. Funds were shifted. Temporary… aberrations in the balance sheet.”
“You were embezzling,” I translated, disgusted. “Stealing. You, the honorable M. Kahn, who used to punish us for sneaking extra cookies after dinner because it was dishonesty unbefitting a Kahn.”
His head bobbed up and down, almost imperceptibly.
“Look at me,” I snapped. “Not her; not the floor. Me. Look at what you did to me.”
Again he obeyed.
I wondered if someday, looking back, I would at least take pleasure in that. I’d finally beaten him. But it didn’t feel that way. It didn’t even feel like he was in the room with me. This person, this craven, beaten-down thing, seemed like a defective copy, designed to bear judgment in his place.
“They found out about it,” he said. “They blackmailed me. I would have gone to prison, lost everything. You would have lost everything.” It was almost a whine. Believe me, it said. Understand me. Forgive me.
Never.
“What would you have done without my credit?” he asked, eyes hopping from me to Zo to my mother, searching for refuge. “Any of you? There wouldn’t have been anything left. You would have ended up in a corp-town, working off my debt. I couldn’t let that happen.”
My mother rested a hand on his knee. I wanted to slap her.
“So instead of giving up your money, you gave up your daughter?” I asked. I’d never felt anything like this before, not since the download: an emotion that was so pure, so real. This was different from sex, from fear or pain, different even from the dreamers, with their direct connection to the emotive centers of the brain. Like jumping from a plane, like stabbing myself, this blotted out any awareness of artificial nerves and conduits, stripped away the fake flesh and the mechanical organs, left me bare and exposed, nothing left but words and anger.
“They didn’t want money,” he said. “It wasn’t about that. They wanted support for the download from someone like me, someone people would listen to. The whole program was about to go down in flames; they were still waiting on approval for the download as a voluntary procedure and didn’t think it was going to come through; they needed someone who would never give up.” He choked out a noise that sounded almost like laughter. “I suppose they found some poetic justice in it, turning the download’s biggest enemy into its biggest supporter. I engineered the legislation that would outlaw the technology, and then…”
“And then you got caught.”
He nodded.
“That doesn’t even make sense. Why not just blackmail you into supporting the download? Why would they need”—I gestured at my body—“this?”
“They needed my support—but they also wanted to punish me,” he admitted. “The cruelty was excessive. Unnecessary. But they didn’t give me a choice.”
“Bullshit. You chose this.”
“They promised me she wouldn’t die,” he said, lamely, in that same voice I’d heard him use when he was praying. Choked, miserable, weak. “She’d just have a different life, they said. A better one.”
The worst part wasn’t the things he was saying, or the fact that he actually expected understanding, maybe even forgiveness, even though he hadn’t bothered to apologize. It was that he refused to look at me or speak to me. Not just as if I weren’t in the room, but as if all his promech preachings had been nothing more than a show, blackmailed out of him. That as far as he was concerned, his precious daughter, the one whose life he’d basically sold off to the highest bidder, was gone.
I exploded. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here!”
“He’s not talking about you,” Zo said, with eerie calm. “He’s talking about me.” She gave me a wry, sickened smile. “What am I always telling you?”
“It’s not always about me,” I said mechanically, not thinking about the words because I was suddenly thinking about the other thing she always told me: that I was our father’s favorite. I was thinking about the day of the accident.
I was thinking about the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be in the car.
Zo was the one with the shift at the day-care center; Zo’s key card had started the car, so we could ensure there’d be no record that I had gone instead. In her place.
Seeing me finally get it, Zo nodded.
“No wonder you hate me,” she said to our father, her voice steady and toneless, like she was the machine. “She was supposed to live. But you got stuck with me instead.”
He didn’t answer her.
Say something, I begged him silently. Fix this.
Like he was still my father, who could fix anything.
Instead of a monster who couldn’t do anything but destroy. And couldn’t even do that right.
The silence stretched on too long. Zo walked out of the room. Seconds later the front door slammed.
“I’m sorry,” my father said. Too late.
“Shut up.” I wasn’t waiting for him anymore. I was waiting for my mother. To slap him. To beat him. To hug me. To run away from all of us. But she did nothing. “Well?” I glared at her, willing her to fight back. To pick a side.
But she didn’t. She didn’t even cry.
We were a whole family of machines.
Were, as in past tense, as in we had been a family.
Now we were nothing.
Zo was slumped in the driver’s seat, cheek pressed against the window, face melting into the thin layer of frost coating the glass.
I pulled open the passenger door and got inside.
“No talking,” she said.
“Got it.”
I don’t know how long we sat there. I don’t know what she was thinking. I was trying not to think. Part of me wanted to start the car, get the hell away from the house before our father came out and said something that suckered us into going back inside. But the rational part of me, stronger now as the waves of rage ebbed away, knew that would never happen. He’d surprised me tonight, more than once. But he was still M. Kahn, our father, and he wasn’t going to beg.
We were safe in the driveway, for as long as Zo needed to stay there.
Zo needed.
Like Zo needed me to fill in for her that day.
It had been a long time since I’d let myself go there. For everything that had happened between the two of us, I’d kept that locked away somewhere, too deep and dark to dredge up into the light. But now… It was supposed to be her.
Sisters were supposed to protect each other. Especially big sisters. I should have been glad it was me instead of her. If I believed the things I said on the network every day, believed that mechs and orgs were different but equal, believed that each form offered its own rewards, I shouldn’t have cared. So I’d exchanged one life for another. I’d lost nothing but pointless nights zoned out on bliss mods, cackling with Cass and Terra and all the interchangeable orgs who couldn’t deal with a mech in their midst. I’d lost a boyfriend who could barely tell the difference between me and my sister, or at least didn’t care which of our tongues was in his mouth. I’d lost a family I was better off without.