The skyscrapers of Tokyo came into sight. She could even make out a luxury hotel where she had once stayed using her brother’s credit card. Her mother probably didn’t even remember that card anymore. For her, only the happy memories remained. That son of mine is so terribly filial, he even invited me to go with him to a truly wonderful hotel, she had said once. She probably didn’t even remember that he had gotten involved in a huge fight at the bar that time either. Or the trouble that had ensued after her attempted suicide, when she had been forced to let go of her apartment. Natsuko couldn’t tell whether the sense of oblivion that visited her mother was a form of enlightenment, or whether she had merely turned her eyes away from reality. All she knew was that, as far she herself was concerned, a certain season had passed. All thanks to the attacks of the man beside her, this man sitting there rolling tissues into balls.
“What’s for dinner?” Taichi asked.
Natsuko pondered the question for a moment. She hadn’t thought that far ahead. She was tired, so whatever she was going to cook, she wanted to get it over and done with quickly. All they had left in the kitchen was a bunch of bean sprouts, a few eggs, and the butter that Taichi’s mother had sent them from Hokkaido. It was unmistakably butter, not margarine. That and a little bit of brown rice.
“How about we buy some shimeji mushrooms from that hundred-yen store near the station and make a risotto?”
“Oh? I love risotto.”
The bullet train was approaching Tokyo Station. Her journey was nearing its end. She felt vaguely tired. When she leaned against Taichi’s body, he turned to glance at her face for a second, his eyes blinking in puzzlement.
Taichi’s electric wheelchair test took place the following day. A public health nurse from the welfare office, a young man called Nakayama, came to their apartment. He was a little tactless, his attitude that of someone fresh out of university. As he helped Taichi into a manual wheelchair, he kept telling him over and over how much he loved him, treating him like a younger brother despite his being the elder.
The test would be at the Shinjuku Ward Disability Welfare Center. It was a bit of a distance, the nurse explained, near the last stop on the streetcar line.
Taichi, however, looked happy.
The nurse pushed the wheelchair down the road. Judging by the conversation, Taichi seemed to have already met him several times before. And of course, he showed not the slightest hint of humility or embarrassment.
The three of them boarded the streetcar. Taichi kept on asking all kinds of questions. From what he and the nurse were saying, it sounded like it would be a practical test. When Natsuko asked what would happen if her husband failed, the nurse responded only by saying that it shouldn’t be too difficult, that so long as Taichi didn’t bump the wheelchair into anyone, he would pass.
Taichi and the nurse were still talking when they arrived at the Disability Welfare Center. The three of them sat through all the formal procedures, followed by an interview with a doctor, before finally moving on to the test. Natsuko watched over her husband from behind as the wheelchair began to move.
The test was more difficult than she had expected. As he made his way up the hill and across the road at the pedestrian lights, Taichi seemed about to bump into the myriad passersby more times than Natsuko could count.
They didn’t have to wait long for the results. Why don’t we practice a little more? the examiner said. In other words, Taichi had failed. However, he would still be able to use the electric wheelchair so long as he had someone accompanying him, and from the sound of it, they would still be able to buy one. Taichi didn’t seem particularly disappointed, but the nurse insisted on trying to comfort him, telling him over and over again that it wasn’t a disastrous outcome.
One month later, the electric wheelchair finally arrived. They set it up in the bicycle lot next to their apartment building. Shall we leave it here? You’re a big guy, so we had to have it custom-made, the clerk from the nursing care equipment shop told Taichi. The seat was fitted with a large, soft cushion, an optional add-on that Taichi seemed to have ordered without consulting his wife. That was just like him. There was no mistaking, however, that it looked comfortable to sit in.
“Have a go,” Natsuko urged him.
Taichi lowered himself into the seat, before quickly taking off and driving in circles around her.
“With this, I’ll be able to go and buy sweets in no time at all!” Taichi exclaimed, brimming with excitement.
“You’ll just go and buy more of those dirty magazines, won’t you? You can’t fool me.”
Taichi let out a joyous laugh. “But what about you, Natchan? Do you want anything?”
“Anything that I want?” Natsuko fell silent. She had no idea what she wanted. She had never stopped to ask herself that question.
“I can go shopping now, so let me know, and I’ll buy it for you,” Taichi said proudly. The words sounded to Natsuko as if he had come up with the most splendid plan. She could get whatever she wanted. She could do whatever she wanted.
“I…” Natsuko began, “I want to watch TV with you.”
“TV? Hmm…” Taichi paused for a moment, pondering. “That’s it! I’ll buy a TV guide! It’s almost March, so there’ll be a special edition with all the new shows! Speaking of which, Natchan, your mind’s always somewhere else, huh?”
“That sounds good. Yes, please buy one.”
It looked like he had seen through her.
“I picked up a lot of these. Can you hold onto them?”
He was holding out several packets of pocket tissues labelled with advertisements, the kind that were handed out in front of the station. She put them into the pocket of her apron.
Natsuko still didn’t really know whether she could say what she wanted, or go out and buy it. That was why she had given him such a timid answer. But she could see now that that was the cause of everything. She tried to put into words, even if only in a whisper, the miserableness of her past. And those words seemed to bring a strange sense of healing. Her apron pocket had begun to swell, but there was still plenty of room for more tissues.
“I’ll be back soon,” Taichi said. And with that, he took off out of the bicycle lot. He was supposed to be accompanied by someone, but he didn’t let that worry him.
As she saw her husband off, her mobile began to ring with a call from her mother.
“You haven’t called in so long. Did something happen? I was really lonely, you know.”
“Oh. I came down a cold.”
“I found some more new clothes. They looked so wonderful, so lovely. I sent them to you.”
They’re so soft and fluffy, reaching all the way down to the hem, and fluttering around so mesmerizingly.
Natsuko thanked her before hanging up. She had finally realized that she didn’t have to wear them, that she had that option too.
When she looked up again, Taichi was making his way down the street, cutting a clean path through the stream of people, straighter and faster than anyone else.
NINETY-NINE KISSES
I opened my eyes with rapture. What a wonderful dream! Meiko, Moeko, Yōko, and me. All four of us, joining hands in a circle. Our palms getting all hot and sweaty and clingy. Our bodies melting into a thick syrup, becoming one. We were one. Meiko’s pain was Moeko’s suffering. When some burning, fluorescent light pierced my sister’s hearts, my body too shuddered with pain. This was what I had always yearned for. I don’t know why I’ve always wanted to become one with them. It’s instinctive. It’s desire, that’s all, pure and simple. Flowery words can’t justify it. I’m just completely enamored with them.