Yōko sometimes brings the topic up when we talk, always sounding like she’s trying to make excuses. Meiko and Moeko, and Mom too, they all seem to think guys like me. But it isn’t true. Not one little bit. But to me, it looked more like she was trying to conceal even that basic fact. Maybe she’s realized it—that I’ve started catching on to what she’s doing.
Oh, Yōko, I know everything. I know just how cunning you are, how difficult you can be to deal with. I know because I love you. Even if you go out in secret to meet S, even if you don’t tell us sisters, I won’t blame you, I won’t mention it to any of the others. I’ll simply love you for how thorough you are, how meticulous. I won’t even try to imitate you. I just want to be enchanted by you, by your splendid worldly wisdom. Yōko, won’t you show me one day, that perfect worldly wisdom of yours? And then you can take a so-what attitude, and you can say something like: Men, you know, they really love it when you do this. I love that kind of wickedness, Yōko. And I want you to charm S, to charm him to your heart’s content. Because the wickeder you are, the greater the pleasure. It’s so good I could die.
Every now and then, when it’s still early in the evening, Meiko, Yōko, Mom, and I watch TV together in the living room over a plate of fruit. But not Moeko, not today—she’s locked herself in her room, in total darkness. Masturbation. That’s what she’s doing. I put my ear up against her door. I could hear a pained voice coming from inside. It wasn’t hers. It must have belonged to an actress in a pornographic video. And even though I couldn’t be entirely sure, every now and then I could hear what must have been Moeko, gasping for breath. Was she imagining herself having sex with S? I could picture her in front of me, and my heart overflowed with ecstasy. It made me feel like I was doing it too.
I remember one time when she let me in on it. You’re so innocent, Nanako. Let me teach you. Women do it too, you know? I do it. There’s no need to feel ashamed about it just because you’re a woman. But Nanako, you have to keep it a secret from Mom and Meiko. Because they’re old-fashioned when it comes to sex. And from Yōko too.
Moeko. I’m not the innocent one. You are. That’s what I muttered to myself, deep inside my heart. An embodiment of pure pleasure. That’s how I think of her.
This one’s good. Why don’t you watch it, and try playing with yourself? Moeko said, lending me one of her videos. I bought it at that second-hand bookstore near Dangozaka. I just walked right up to the clerk and gave it to him, like I was buying an ordinary paperback. He put it in a paper bag. I must have looked too confident, maybe that’s why he reacted that way, she laughed. You’re much better off buying them there, from that second-hand bookstore, rather than going to a video rental place. They’re cheap, and maybe this is a matter of taste, but the older ones are better. The actresses are all so ugly in those old videos, don’t you think? I love those ugly actresses. It makes the sex look more realistic.
Late one night, I watched it alone in my room. Thinking about Moeko masturbating to it, a strange and sacred feeling came over me as I knelt reverently on the floor in front of the screen.
The video depicted a woman, dressed in a sailor-style school uniform even though she was obviously in her twenties, being violated by another woman wearing a leather dress. When you think about adult videos, you normally imagine a man violating a woman, so I sat there immersed in it, like I was looking at a priceless artwork. I racked my brains trying to understand why Moeko liked watching women violating other women. I mean, she isn’t a lesbian or anything. And after a few minutes, it all made sense. Unlike those videos that practically reach the finishing line when the man inserts his penis, in this video, the one that Moeko had given me, the actresses kept on playing with each other’s breasts. The video was clearly suited for women too, what with that way that the actresses were stimulating each other’s erogenous zones. And it made me so happy when I realized that Moeko’s erogenous zone was probably her well-shaped breasts.
The memories came flooding back to me. Every now and then, Moeko likes to grab me from behind and hug me tightly. Her soft, warm breasts pushing against my back. It’s such a gentle feeling. And the reason why she does that, the reason why she likes hugging me, another woman, so tightly from behind—it has to be because her breasts are her erogenous zone. That’s what you’re telling me, isn’t it? I wanted to ask her. And if I did, she would probably just answer with a plain, decisive: Yes.
Moeko is like the clitoris in our family. She’s erotic, a central, vital figure who can’t be neglected or ignored. Always innocently saying such lewd things, always laughing in that loud voice of hers, always the center of the conversation. And we always find ourselves deferring to her.
“Why do you have that?” Meiko screamed.
“It’s fine, isn’t it? I’m just borrowing it,” Moeko retorted.
“You two, cut it out!” Even Mom was starting to get angry with them both.
They were fighting over S. S again. He had given Meiko a tube of lipstick. And of course, she was busy gloating about it. Maybe he’s in love with me, don’t you think? she said. And then Moeko had gotten jealous, and had secretly used that tube of lipstick for herself.
My sister gave it to me when I went home a while back. Apparently S had said something along those lines to Meiko. She didn’t want it, but it’s brand new, so she thought I might as well give it to someone else, you know?
“What’s the problem? He gave it away so it could be used!” Moeko said.
Indeed. One of you can use it, right? That was what he said, when he gave it to Meiko. So maybe it did belong to all of us.
“But he gave it to me. So it’s mine.”
“Only because he bumped into you at the library, right?”
Meiko was honest to a fault. All she had to do was say that he had given it to her as a present. That’s probably what Yōko would have done. No—Yōko would have probably kept the whole thing to herself. But Meiko had wanted to boast about it. I’m sure of it. When I went to the Hongō Library today, right, I bumped into S there. What a coincidence, don’t you think? He was looking at the display for the novelist of the month. And when I went to say hi to him, he gave me this. Here. That was what she said as she waved that tube of lipstick around.
When I heard that he had been hanging around the novelist of the month display, I couldn’t help but think that he sounded like the kind of literary snob who goes on about how he’s studying novels. But in the eyes of my sisters, his enthusiasm was something to be admired.
You or your sisters can use it, he said to me. So if you want to try it, I’ll let you borrow it. But you have to ask first. That was what Meiko had said. So basically, it was never only hers, and it should have been fine for Moeko to use it too.