“Marriage? You’re only twenty-one! You’ll meet all kinds of men in the future! And what about finishing your education?”
“I’ll quit.”
Mom sighed again. “And what does he do for a living? I see him out and about all the time during the day. Don’t tell me he works at a nightclub or something?”
“He’s working part-time at the moment. But he’s going to be a filmmaker. A director.”
“A film director? Do you really think he’s got what it takes for that? I’m not saying it’s impossible, but you do realize that only a handful of people are ever able to achieve anything even remotely close to that, don’t you?”
“He’s talented. And besides, I’ll work too, until he’s able to make it happen.”
“Don’t be stupid. That means you’ll be supporting him. I won’t allow it.”
“If I can’t marry him, I’ll die.”
There was a loud smack. Mom had slapped her. Yōko burst into tears.
Yōko, normally so cool and dry, was shedding tears. Yōko, always so calm, who hardly ever fought with us sisters. How on earth had S managed to stir up her passions like this? Was he really that special? I couldn’t understand it. I just couldn’t understand what was so attractive about this man who had gone and captured my sisters’ hearts. And all I could do was prick my ears and try to make out what she was saying. I wanted to see it too. Yōko’s tears. They would be so beautiful. Like glittering droplets trickling down from a pillar of ice. That’s what they would be, I was sure of it. But all I could do was imagine them. Yōko’s tears. Welling up as if from an underground water vein. Because that was what they would be. Her tearful face would be completely different than Meiko’s or Moeko’s. Those two merely ended up looking disheveled when they wept, but not Yōko.
The visions started flashing through my mind. The image of a man called S, making Yōko cry. He was doing it out of spite, wasn’t he? He couldn’t turn his own dreams into reality, so he was taking his feelings out on her. He struck her. I felt a thrill as it occurred to me that this might have already happened, that it might still be happening. Or else in the throes of sex, he would take her in his arms. Roughly, violently, as if punishing her. And she would shed yet more tears at his cruelty. Stop it, please! I can’t stand it anymore! It’s too good! No more! That’s what she would be crying out as the tears ran down her cheeks.
That was why I wanted to see them. Yōko’s tears. Every drop would be like shards of glimmering crystal. Flawless. Perfect. Because what else could they possibly be? So I made that man into a terrible person, all to make Yōko cry. In my mind, I made him into someone who couldn’t love anyone, into an embodiment of pure malice.
After that, Meiko and Moeko stopped fighting with each other. Indeed, there was no point fighting over S anymore. Nor did they show any sign of prejudice or ill-will toward Yōko. It was like they had both climaxed and were now overcome with exhaustion. My three sisters, and Mom, and me—the five of us went back to watching TV together, none of us fighting over anything. Each of us no doubt immersed in our own thoughts.
I asked everyone if they wanted to try some chocolate that I had bought from the convenience store nearby.
“No thank you,” Meiko answered forlornly.
I tried to offer some to Moeko.
“Chocolate? Ah, okay. I’ll try some. It’s good for your health, after all.” She took a piece into her hand, staring at it vacantly for a short while.
I turned toward Yōko. She was watching the TV so intently that she probably wouldn’t respond even if I asked her, I thought. I withdrew the hand that had begun to offer her a piece.
For some reason, we were all watching TV together. I couldn’t stop thinking about my sisters and Mom. Whatever it was that the people on the other side of the screen were saying hardly even entered my mind.
All of a sudden, a great sigh emanated from the TV. For some reason, that startled me, and I glanced at the screen. It looked like we had all been watching a health program.
“This disease has a long incubation period. By the time it’s discovered, it’s already beyond curing. Death is the only outcome.”
What kind of illness could it be? I wondered. Could it really be that horrible, this disease? Maybe I should have been paying more attention.
Even Mom, usually so fastidious about health issues, was watching the program in idle silence.
“We’ve asked our guests to make a note of their lifestyle habits, to see whether or not they have a chance of developing it.”
Insufficient sleep, smoking, alcohol, an oil-rich diet. The things that they mentioned would apply to just about anyone.
“To our viewers at home, if you’re living like this, this disease may soon affect you too. In fact, it wouldn’t be at all surprising if it’s already struck, so be sure to see your doctor for regular checkups.”
“We might end up dying too,” Meiko said idly, her voice betraying her lack of concern.
“Everyone dies one day,” Yōko responded. She too seemed preoccupied.
“There’s no escaping it,” Moeko murmured in agreement.
My sisters’ words piled up in my heart like snow.
The questions echoed in my mind: What exactly is haunting us sisters? Are we all afflicted by some incurable disease too? Hey, Mom, why did you give birth to us? Why did you only have daughters, and four at that? If you had had a proper mix of boys and girls, my sisters wouldn’t have ended up all getting charmed by the same man.
It’s unnatural, this situation, all of us sapped and listless. It feels like a funeral. The only words that come to mind are melancholy and darkness, but it’s also somehow sacred. One day, we might all be featured in a human-interest piece in the local newspaper. Four sisters, bringing themselves to ruin. Yes, this ruin would include me too. It had probably begun even before S showed up. Five women, living together almost incestuously. How are we supposed to keep on going, how are we supposed to keep on living? It’s all over. Ahead of us, there’s only death. I could feel it instinctively. Children will offer white flowers to our pale bodies, like it’s some kind of celebration. But it’ll still be the end. The children will be so innocent that they won’t have realized that yet. They’ll just keep giving us more and more flowers. And they’ll probably say: Those women, they’re so pretty. Yes, I know. I know just how pretty we all are.
Yōko broke down into tears. Only in front of me, though. It’s over, she said. It’s all over. Everything that we’ve ever had as sisters. I’m not saying this because I loved him, you know? I mean, he’s so dependent, so useless. And look what he’s done to us all. He’s ruined us. Please. Let me cry with you, let me cry on your lap. You understand, don’t you, Nanako? You can see what’s happened, can’t you? All I can do now is cry. There’s nothing else left.
I startled at this, at brushing up so close to her beautiful soul. She was so different now from the person whom I had seen smoking and acting like a delinquent in front of S. Why, I wondered, why did my proud Yōko have to end up falling in love with that guy? I could hardly believe it.
None of it makes any sense. Men, women, the way they fall for each other, she said, as if she could read my thoughts. I mean, it’s not like I chose to fall in love with someone like him.
Yōko, you really are so pure. I feel like I’ve known it for the longest time. You’re tough, you’re artful, but in a different way to most other cunning women. That man should have realized it by now too. That this place is too elegant to really call a Shitamachi. It was always his intention just to play around with an easy Shitamachi girl, wasn’t it? But he must have realized his mistake by now. The real inhabitants of this neighborhood have been living here for generations. From my grandfather’s, my great-grandfather’s time. And we’re always dumbfounded by the strangers who come here. They expect to see the spirit of the Shitamachi in each of us as well. The idea of a loose, rundown Shitamachi, whatever that’s supposed to be. It’s all a lie. If they could see who we really are, they would know that we’re reserved, that we’re shy around strangers.