Her chastity was such a waste. It occurred to me that she might one day end up losing that chastity in a random act of capriciousness. And I started to feel better, imagining such things.
In fact, Meiko might even be better suited to S. Her scrawny body was perfectly proportioned for stirring a man’s lust—an altogether different kind of lust than what S must have felt toward Yōko.
Sometimes, I find myself wanting to say cruel things to her. You’re the kind of person who ends up getting sold off to a foreign country, as a prostitute. That’s your fate. That’s the kind of thing that I want to say. Because she really is stupid, to the point where she might actually end up believing everything that I said to her.
When would she finally realize what it means to be with a man? I wondered. I could imagine some faceless man, doing to her the kinds of things that S does to Yōko.
Like dyeing a white dove red with blood.
A little while after that, Meiko brought another taiyaki home. This time, though, it wasn’t a treat from S.
Were those maps of the Shitamachi still there? I asked.
They’re gone, Meiko answered. They must have been put out there then because it was a holiday, so I guess I just got lucky. It looks like they’re for tourists after all.
Ah, I thought. So this town only shows its touristy face on holidays.
I could see them both, in my mind. S eating a golden taiyaki with Yōko. It must have been a holiday. That was why he was carrying a map of the Shitamachi. And for some reason, as I watched them, feelings of hate started welling up inside me.
Hey, Nanako, I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve been leaning on you too much, Meiko said to me. Whenever I end up like this, breaking down into tears, you’re always the one who hands me a box of tissues. Nanako, you’re such a dedicated, wonderful little sister. You’re wasted on me. When all this stuff with S started getting out of hand, I was really jealous at first, you know? But it was always you who comforted me. You made me that honey tea. Not just tissues, but honey tea too. Even in the middle of the night, you’d stay by my side. But I’ve given up feeling jealous about Yōko. I’ve been thinking, if she marries him, I’ll give her my blessing. And as the eldest daughter, I’ll have to take the lead in preparing the wedding ceremony. She’s got such nice, pale skin, not to mention her good looks. With her chest, she’d look beautiful in a low-cut dress, don’t you think? I’ll have to decorate it with white roses. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
She might be the eldest of us sisters, but Meiko always acts as if she’s the youngest. She’s so delicate, so helpless, that she would probably be completely crushed if even the smallest misfortune were to befall her. What’s happened to you, Meiko? What’s going on in your heart? Just what kind of fancy has thrown itself on you?
Meiko, please, heal Yōko. Even a fragile person like yourself ought to be able to do that much. She’s still stuck dating that guy, that man who came here as no more than a tourist. Why don’t you tell her how you’re feeling, Meiko? I’m fed up with him, you could say. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t even bear to walk around town anymore, this place that’s been my home since I was a kid. You could let Yōko break down into tears and cry on your lap. Please, Meiko, you could cry along with her. You could make your face look so wretched, so much more unsightly than hers.
I was still the only one who could see through it all. I was still the only one who could see that Yōko was fed up with that guy. But I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell anyone. How even though she’s fed up with him, she trembles with fear at the very thought of breaking up with him. I had no idea, none whatsoever, how to put that contradiction into words.
But Meiko just kept going on and on about how happy Yōko would be once she married him. He’ll be a great film director one day, don’t you think? That was all she talked about. Mom says he’s taking advantage of her, but there’s no way that could be true. She’s just investing for the future. I mean, it’s unthinkable, right? This idea of Yōko supporting some useless guy. That isn’t her. She’s always been able to see through people, always been able to size them up, even when she was just a kid.
Meiko just doesn’t know the truth. About men and women. About sex and love. But she’s fine that way. I mean, I don’t really know much about them either. And I don’t want to. Meiko’s fine not knowing what Yōko’s going through. Because love with some outsider—for Meiko, that’s out of the question. I alone would violate her, in my mind. I would make her mine. Because she’s a good woman, with a noble character that would be completely wasted on someone like S.
One day, Yōko invited me to go with her to Hanake, just the two of us. We ordered the jumbo gyōza, and even though it wasn’t the season for it, some shaved ice too. They do shaved ice at Hanake all year round. I’ve been keeping this place a secret from S, Yōko told me. I don’t know why exactly, but I felt like I wanted to protect it, to at least keep this place safe, or something like that. We go to the Pomegranate whenever we come to Yanaka. After a while, I just couldn’t keep going past the Dandanzaka steps at the end of the street anymore, you know?
Our jumbo gyōza arrived, a plate for each of us.
They’re so huge, Yōko exclaimed. Were they always this big? I mean, we’ve been coming here ever since we were kids, right? So if anything, they should feel smaller, don’t you think? But they just seem to keep getting bigger and bigger.
There were five on each plate, but we ended up leaving two untouched on each of them. All of a sudden, Yōko broke out into a laugh. It looks like we would have been fine ordering just one plate. We pretty much always end up with a full serving left, don’t we?
We left the restaurant, and made our way down the Dandanzaka steps hand in hand. Yōko’s soft palm enveloped mine. It was just like I remembered, just like when I was a kid. But I couldn’t help but feel as if something inside me had changed.
As I wondered what exactly it could be, I felt a strange numbness in the corner of my eye. Before I knew it, that numbness had disappeared, and in its place a tear was running down my cheek.
I hugged Yōko close. Yōko hugged me back. You’re afraid, aren’t you? she said to me. I myself didn’t know whether that was the case. But Yōko is so perceptive. She could no doubt read my emotions better than I ever could.
Yōko’s voice, that warm, kind voice that had realized that I was afraid, gradually became tearful. I looked up at her. I felt a sudden urge to kiss her, to push my lips up against her own. To kiss her, the way that lovers kissed. I didn’t know why I wanted to do it. And I knew that I shouldn’t. But I didn’t understand why that was either. It should have been fine for these irrational thoughts that I had for my three sisters to come to the fore. I mean, I’ve felt this way for so long that they all ought to have realized it by now. One day, they’ll return my feelings. That’s what I should have been thinking. But as we stood there like that, as Yōko held me and I held her, for some strange reason I found myself hesitating.
And then it occurred to me. These emotions, this sense of fear, they had all arisen from the realization that I shouldn’t kiss her. This time of my life when I could do anything, this age of innocence, was for me, it seemed, nearing its end.