“I know it, Evie.” He blew out a breath, put the empty soda can on the ground. “My head knows it, but my emotions can’t yet accept the fact.” He looked over at her. “You have any secrets buried this deep?” he asked idly. “No need to answer that-simply curious.”
She lifted the bottle she held, moved it out to arm’s length, using it to block stars to make it easier to count a line of them. “I killed my brother.” She said it so softly, he almost didn’t hear her.
He felt like he’d been hit by a fastball. “You…?”
“I was seven. I gave him my toy plane to play with because I didn’t want him to play with my dolls, undo their ribbons, mess up their hair. He ate one of the wheels and choked to death. Our babysitter from that night committed suicide six months later.”
“Oh, Evie, I am so sorry. I-I can’t…” But he couldn’t finish.
She tipped the bottle back and forth. “I slit my wrist a year later. It was too painful for me to do the job properly, so here I am.”
“Talk about the wrong question to have asked. Have you…?” There wasn’t any good way to word the question. “You’ve been able to deal with it?”
“I don’t know. My brother’s name was Sam. I called him Sammy. Some days it’s tolerable, realizing he’s not here, and other days it just aches. They tell you it gets better with time, but mostly it just is. ‘Accidents happen’ doesn’t change the fact he’s not here. And I caused it.”
“How are your parents?”
“Terrified I will die on them too. They abhor the fact I became a cop. They think I have a death wish.”
“Do you?”
In the dim firelight he saw her shrug. “I don’t know. That a deep enough secret for you, Gabriel?”
“Feeling guilty about something so catastrophic is pretty normal.”
“I know.”
“Have you told Rob about Sammy?”
“He knows I once had a brother, but no.”
“Why not?”
“He hasn’t asked about my secrets.”
“You’re not going to marry him, are you?” He punched a stick into the fire to have something to do. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be prying on that topic. Ann’s concerned.”
“I know she is.” Evie set down the root-beer bottle. “I do fine not answering when I think someone is prying, Gabriel.” She was silent for a while. “I don’t know. Rob has his flaws. He can be arrogant, and blind to it. He can be overly impressed by people who have money. But he can also be generous to a fault. He remembers names of the janitors, he likes my jokes for the most part, and he puts up with my crazy work schedule with good humor.”
She sat up, wrapped her arms around her knees. “I like the fact he doesn’t have the details of a single crime to discuss while we’re having a meal together. It’s nice not dating a cop. He’s got generations of solid family behind him, no divorces, a confidence about himself, he’s sincere about religion, even if he’s-how should I put it?-more showy about it than I am. And he’s good to me. There would be much worse husbands to have.” She smiled at her own list. “But I’m not sure I want to quit being a cop for the sake of peace with my mother-in-law. His parents think marrying a cop is a bit too downscale for them-you know, blue collar. I don’t think they’d ever met a cop before Rob brought me to their brownstone on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive.”
Gabriel smiled at the way she said it. “Do you love him?”
“Hmm… I can say I like him. And for now, that’s been enough.”
“Is he going to propose, you think?”
She thought about it. “He probably will,” she guessed. “He likes to present something as a fait accompli, let others adjust to the idea it’s been decided, rather than let things develop outside his control. He won’t ask as much as presume it’s a yes, until he’s certain what I will say. He’s big into knowing the outcome, saving face. Then he’ll want to have that elaborate engagement party, public wedding, make it a big social event.”
“Do you want to be married?”
She shrugged. “Some days I do. Like this one-the last thing I want is to be alone, churning through the memories of this day. But being married means big changes, probably kids. I’m not much on making changes.” She stirred the fire. “Tit for tat, Gabriel. You have something you consider a deep secret?”
He thought about how to answer, finally said, “I was engaged once.”
She turned her head on her folded arms to better see him. “Really?”
“Really. Didn’t tell my folks. Eventually told my brothers.”
“I’m thinking I might not want to know this story.”
“Your choice.”
She considered it, then said, “Tell me.”
“Elizabeth Sara Doevelly, a literature major, born in Paris, raised in London. I met her in Chicago when she was a graduate student at the same college as me.”
“Why the secret, Gabriel?”
“Her parents were divorced, her father a diplomat. He gave his blessing to us marrying, but asked for my word that we would tell her mother first before we told my parents. We made arrangements to fly to London to meet her mom.
“We wanted ceremonies in both America and England”-he gestured with a hand-“wanted to hang the marriage certificates side by side. So we got on the flight to tell her mom, were planning a garden ceremony at her parents’ home for that weekend. After a honeymoon in Europe, we’d come back to the States and tell my folks, have a church wedding here in Carin with family and friends. I know that sounds over the top, but we were young, Elizabeth was very creative, and it solved a stack of problems for how to honor her father’s request. My parents liked her, they were going to approve of our getting married, so it was a logistics kind of thing. Elizabeth was close to her mother, and it was a big deal for her to have a wedding in London.”
“What happened?” Evie asked when he stopped.
“Our taxicab in London got hit by a truck. Two doctors in a restaurant nearby came running. There was nothing that could be done. She was gone nearly instantly.” He had thought he could tell it without the pain, but he was startled at how it washed over him once more.
“That’s an awful way to lose someone you love, and so close to her becoming your wife,” Evie whispered.
His sigh was long. “Yeah, not good. I didn’t tell my family we were engaged and that close to being married-they already knew how important Elizabeth was to me. It would have added another layer to their grief for me, and I didn’t think either they or I could carry that. I came back, focused on being a good cop, became sheriff of Carin County.”
“Is that why you’ve never married?”
He honestly didn’t know. He tried his own shrug. “I am marriage-minded. I like the thought of it. But practicalities have pushed it to the background. I like my work. I don’t mind the hours, though some disruptions can begin to irritate. I want to have what I have now, plus something more, and it’s not a simple thing to figure out.”
“Paul and Ann are interesting to watch together,” Evie said thoughtfully. “She still travels a lot, more than you realize at first. But their marriage works. Works well, I would say. There’s no sense of distance in their relationship when you see them together.”
Gabriel smiled. “Nothing happens in Ann’s life that she doesn’t tell Paul. That’s part of it.”
“The other part?” Evie asked, sounding curious.
“Paul has created a safe place for her in his world. She can still be herself inside the marriage. She’s understood and welcomed for who she is; he went into the marriage having figured that out before he asked her to marry him. He was smart that way.”
“He does that all very, very well-accepting, customizing, loving Ann as Ann.”